Patrons of the Lookout Bar & Bistro hoping to take in area sensation Konservo’s hot new “Flying Nun” tribute found themselves disappointed this week as the main attraction vanished unaccountably from the scene.
When he failed to appear for the first of two scheduled performances on Tuesday, October 2, club management checked the dressing room and made an unexpected and alarming discovery. One entire wall was covered with random pages of stories from Newsweek, Time, and U.S. News & World Report, each torn out and individually skewered to the wall with steak knives from the kitchen. A selection of Konservo’s naughtier underwear was found in a large Tupperware container filled almost to the brim with Shalimar perfume (hazmat teams were quickly summoned to safely dispose of the pungent mixing bowl and burp-and-seal lid). The overflowing wastebasket revealed numerous abortive attempts to pen what seemed to be a love note, each with many crossings-out and the addressee’s name obliterated so furiously in purple ink that it was unreadable. Authorities’ only clue to Konservo’s possible whereabouts was a Travelocity receipt apparently printed in duplicate on the dressing room inkjet, indicating that Konservo had reserved a sportscar through Hertz - on a Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign account - with an open-ended return date.
“Course I remember him,” said the agent at the car rental firm’s York Street location. “You don’t soon forget that mix of facial makeup, scraggly beard and ballet costume. I did offer to upgrade him to a crossover SUV to accommodate the tutu better, but he insisted on the Porsche.” Citing client confidentiality, the agent declined to state his customer’s planned destination, but did say that he had requested a map including the upper Midwestern U.S. states, suggesting that his wildly successful flirtation with the Ottawa club scene may be at an unfortunate end.
Konservo was last seen heading toward the Trans-Canada Highway West, his trusty toilet brush clutched in the hands of a blow-up doll, wearing his Ethel Merman costume, in the passenger seat.
Rapture Ralph for President urges anyone who may sight Konservo in the next 48 hours to contact this blog with updated information. In addition to providing this valuable data to local and federal law enforcement entities, we have entered into an arrangement with KOOKS (Konservo Owns Our Kisses Society – the unofficial Konservo Fan Club) to forward cards, letters and requests for locks of beard to his next confirmed location.