RALPH Blasts McCain Campaign Over "Donut Moment," Claims Clinton Complicit!

Off the beaten path but still on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania, RALPH today issued a blistering statement against presumptive Republican candidate John McCain. Speaking from the hood of a 1999 Pontiac Bonneville at Woy Brothers auto dealership in Somerset, the Troll Party frontrunner accused McCain of conspiring with Democratic rival Senator Hillary Clinton in what one onlooker describes as a "heckuva weird speaking style."

The source of RALPH's ire? It was reported today that, following the candidate's remarks at the annual meeting of the Associated Press, the moderator presented him with his "favorite treat"...half a dozen Dunkin' Donuts. With sprinkles.

"McCAIN HAS SUCCUMBED TO THE LURE OF P.I.A.P.S. AND HER DONUTS OF DOOM!" thundered RALPH. "SHE HAS TURNED THE ASSOCIATED PRESS MODERATOR INTO A PUSHER, HOOKING McCAIN ON HER SUGARY PERVERSITY! BEWARE THE SPRINKLES, SENATOR, OR YOU RISK MISSING THE RAPTURE AND SPENDING ALL OF ETERNITY WITH P.I.A.P.S.!!!! BWAHHHHHH!"

RALPH was unable to take questions from the audience, due to the rapid approach of Used Car Manager Sam Bandanna, heard to yell "Get the $%*# off that %#$(%ing car NOW, you *@%# lunatic! That's this week's Featured Vehicle!" RALPH's response was to slide down the Sand Beige hood and sprint for the road and his waiting van.

"SAVE YOURSELVES!" he screeched as campaign staffer Sonny Black peeled out into traffic on Highway 985 North. "DON'T VOTE FOR THAT SKANKY DONUT-PUSHER!! REMEMBER...WITHOUT PA THERE IS NO P.I.A.P.S.!!!!"

Befuddled locals pondered this statement, wondering whether RALPH meant the result would then be PIS, IPS, SIP, ISP, or PSI. The impromptu caucus then dispersed as Sam desperately tried to interest any of them in a black 1997 Grand Am.

In other Troll Party news, California Blat spent the weekend participating in a bowl-a-thon at Idle Hour Bowling Lanes (motto, "? Family Fun Center ?") in Scranton, earning $53.75 in charity pledges - matched penny for penny by his baseball cap - for his superhuman ability to convert 7-10 splits. Konservo danced the night away at Woody's Bar in Philly, vowing over his sixth $3 frozen margarita to be back this evening for karaoke night. And one unconfirmed report placed Campaign Blat picketing GNC headquarters in Pittsburgh and attempting to sign up employees going off-shift as Eniva affiliates.

Town Hall Lives On in Cyberspace

Well, ladies and gentlemen of Trollsylvania; residents of Freeperville; envoys from the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy; and anyone else who happens to have stumbled across tonight's festivities - the lights are dimming in Yantis, Texas (a former finalist for "Most Redneck Town In America"). The prospective candidates have all stumbled toward their campaign convoys, the pundits have begun their evaluations, and volunteers are cleaning up the detritus of the debate-closing ceremonial donut-drop.

But that doesn't mean the Town Hall is over! By no means. The candidates and representatives of their campaigns have pledged to continue monitoring your further questions and to respond to them as they arise. Think of it as the 7-Eleven of campaign debates: we never close!

In the coming days you'll see in this space insightful or at least space-filling reports from journalists on this debate - who were the winners, the losers, and Miss Congeniality. Audio and video coverage is also anticipated, to memorialize for all time the highlights and lowlights of this landmark event.

So, thanks to the providers of our debate venue, to our readers for their questions and issues, and to California Blat, Konservo and RALPH for their participation this evening. From the Troll Party Town Hall, I'm your host, RalphyFan. Good night: vote early, vote often.

More Policy from California Blat

I'm back. I have a few more questions to answer and I want to knock Konservo off the top of this blog...

• Climate change – real problem, business opportunity, or just made up by Al Gore?
Oh, definitely a business opportunity. And don’t think Al Gore doesn’t know it. Let me tell you something: I was talking to this entrepenoor from Minneapolis, about growing bananas in Minnesota - and what do you think he told me? He said he’d already signed a deal with Al Gore! Man talks out of both sides of his mouth. He needs some vitamins to get him thinking straight.

• Public Enemy Number One – who should it be, and why?
The nameless scumbag who invented Lite Rock. Back when I was working in an office, that's all I'd hear - the same three songs over and over again on the same evil radio station. I will ABOLISH that radio station as soon as I become President and I will tear the country apart to find whoever owns it. Do you know how much TORMENT that person’s inflicted on the ears of society? I'll throw him into a soundproof prison and make him listen to those three songs over and over for the rest of his miserable life.

• Will you make it a campaign priority for the government to regain control of the SAMPO from Al Gore and the Newshounds of the Caribbean? Why or why not?
No, it won’t be a priority. I think it’s more of a priority for me to have a new Turkmen hat. Though I’d be happy to take on the Newshounds of the Caribbean in some other way. A Sumo wrestling tournament maybe?

• What about the impending RAPTURE?
As I mentioned before, I don’t believe it’s impending. I was told so by two unimpeachable sources - Elvis, and this pterodactyl I met last summer while I was climbing the letter Y in "HOLLYWOOD". They both said the RAPTURE was a lie invented to sell more donuts. I believe them.

Konservo BUMPS To The Front

TADAAADAAAADAAAAA - take that, RALPH!

Just kidding, darlings. But it is time to share a little more of my thinking on the important issues facing us, now that the children are keeping one another amused.

• Who will you invite to perform at your inauguration party?

Well, I would want to give a shout-out and a nice, lucrative gig to my band from the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa. Might as well start out on a good foot with our neighbors to the north. I could even sit in on a special inaugural number, assuming we can get the June Tailor Dancers. Then, a combination Barbara Streisand/Elton John performance would really get up the other candidates’ noses. Sweeet.

• Climate change – real problem, business opportunity, or just made up by Al Gore?

I couldn’t care less about Al Gore. He’s a has-been if you ask me. And he’s inconvenient, too. As for this climate-change stuff, so long as I have my AC I’m not bothered if we end up with a few more days of sun in the Bahamas. In fact, if we’re going to war, why not invade THEM? At least it would be someplace US Americans, such as, with maps, would want to go.

• Public Enemy Number One – who should it be, and why?

Oh, definitely Donald Trump. Not only has he foisted lousy, egocentric television on us all for season after season, you just want to rip out that idiotic combover and tell his latest golddigger wife to keep the “girls” in their corral a little more discreetly. He’s a boil on the collective backside of America in more ways than one. I will actively pursue his participation on What Not To Wear in penance for his crimes against humanity. For six successive weeks.

• Will you make it a campaign priority for the government to regain control of the SAMPO from Al Gore and the Newshounds of the Caribbean? Why or why not?

I've already made my position on Al Gore just crystal clear. But, no, I don’t think I can be bothered with that. I’ve always been secretly drawn to the whole “pirate” vibe – cutlasses, high boots, bodice-ripping. Besides, doesn’t that SAMPO stuff depend on Blat’s baseball cap? I wouldn’t touch that thing with a hazmat suit. Seriously. You don’t know where he’s been.

• Your opinion on magic underwear and feathers? Is it cheating? And, if you do use magic underwear…boxers, briefs or thongs?

Honey, come on. ALL underwear is magic. It’s when it comes off that the real fun begins.

• What about the impending RAPTURE?

What about it? Like I said, it means different things to different people. And I’m as different as they come. Aren’t you?

• And above all, what are your plans for those bad-ass Newshounds?

Even liberals obsessed with me aren’t beyond redemption and a little nookie. I’d invite them all to the Oval Office for a tiddlywinks tournament, a polka-fest, some mini-quiches and champagne, and then skinny-dipping in the White House pool. After an evening with me, politics will be the LAST thing on all your minds, darlings.

RAPTURE-READY RIGHTEOUS RALPH ENTERS THE FRAY!!

*fade in*

Commentator: “Welcome America to the Troll Party Primary Debate! Tonight looks to be an historic moment, as we discuss the platforms, strategies, and insanity of our three remaining Troll Party™ candidates. We’ve already heard from Candidates California Blat and Konservo, up next is the self proclaimed ‘America’s Greatest President in Waiting’ and the Prophet of Lephari, RALPH!”

*camera shot changes*

Ralph: “BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHHHAA!!!!!! *mumbles incoherently*”

“LIBTARDS! I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE MOUNTAINS!!! I HAVE OOZED FROM THE SWAMPS!! I HAVE SIFTED FROM THE DESERTS! I BRING A MESSAGE OF RAPTURE FOR YOU!!!!”

*rumble of applause*

“YOU DECRIED AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT AND TURNED FROM THE FAITH! STARSHIP JAYZUS APPROACHES (August 27th ™) AND YOU STIL DO NOT HATE!!!! YOU DON’T HATE ISLAMOFASCISTS! YOU DON’T HATE THE EVIL PIAPS!!! YOU DON’T HATE HER BUMPITY DONUTS!!!”

*shocked silence*

“EVIL JELLY-FILLED, GLAZE COVERED ABOMINATIONS! ANAL INVADING CREAM OOZING SUCCUBI!!!!”

*stunned looks*

“YOU ARE FILLED WITH TROOP-HATE, AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT HATE, IRAQ WAR HATE, PENIS-HATE, MONKEY-HATE!!”

*beginning epiphany*

“IT IS TIME TO TAKE BACK YOUR RECTUMS FROM THE DEVILS THE LIKES OF CALIFORNIA BLAT, KONSERVO AND PIAPS!!!! BE OF GOOD CHEER, FOR I, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT IN WAITING ™, AM HERE!!!!!”


*standing ovation*

Commentator: “Yes, herm. The floor is open for questions to the candidate.”

Are the Candidates RAPTURE READY?

Crement Boffo asked the Candidates:

Is each of you RAPTURE READY ? If you are, who will serve your term of office in your absence ?

California Blat answers:

I hate to tell you this but I don’t believe in the RAPTURE. That’s Ralph’s shtick.

There’s a RALPHY who’s sure
That he’s bound for rapture.
And he’s buying a stairway to heaven.
But he’s wrong as can be
And before long he’ll see
That he’s stuck here forever with PIAPS.
Oooooh
And it makes me wonder.

Experience the Rapture here on this earth!

P.S. But if I do get Raptured - mind, I say if - then who else to take my place but Elvis? Yeah, I know you think he's dead; but we all know he's really managing a gas station in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, by the banks of the Mississippi.

Konservo's Kampaign Komments

The candidate speaks:

Welcome, you lovely people! Sorry I'm a little bit late. Andre was just showing me this lovely silk charmeuse number that I think will be perfect for the Inaugural Ball.

I'll just jump right in and answer some of the questions that have been posed to me by fans at Newshounds OT:

• What about that RALPH’s hairstyle?

Well, I think it works for him. It’s been like that since he stuck one finger in a live electrical socket and the other into the ice cube maker on his fridge. One of his defining moments. He SAW THE LIGHT! {{{giggles}}}

• Come to that, what’s with YOUR hair, dude?

Isn’t it fabulous? You’re going to be seeing a lot of this look in the general election. Konservo is the new “cool.” McCain is SO jealous!

• Look, you haven’t been very consistent. First you’re RALPH’s hanger-on, then you’re cross-dressing in Ottawa clubs, and then you’re back on the campaign trail in opposition. How can we TRUST in what a Konservo Presidency would bring?

Not consistent?! I’ve been perfectly consistent with what the voices in my head are telling me. And lately they’ve been saying that RALPH will be a disaster as President. His Rapture-talk used to inspire me until I figured out he was talking about right-wing religion instead of orgies. What will happen to his brilliant fictional vision if he actually wins the contest? Instead of all that delicious stuff going down in the Lincoln Bedroom, he’ll be in there for real with a bunch of balding, paunchy preachers, trying to see who can yell the loudest! You can TRUST me on that. I’ll be a hell of a lot more fun. The table dancing has only just begun.

• If you become President, how will you decorate the White House?

I’d like to bring a retro/Bohemian vibe to the place. Inflatables and beanbag chairs for Cabinet meetings and maybe some hammocks on the North Portico for visiting dignitaries. Beaded curtains and black light. Lava lamps. Yeah, that would be groovy.

• Are the rumours about your virginity true?

What have you heard, sweetheart? No, but, seriously. If you want someone – ahem! – “experienced,” I’m your choice. There’s no scandal I haven’t already participated in and put behind me. It would be hard to pin anything on MY tail! And don’t think it hasn't been tried...

Fire away, you beautiful people! I'll be back just as soon as I've freshened up a little...

An Opening Statement from California Blat

Oh they call me Blat
Come from Californ’
I’m gonna be President
Just as sure as you’re born
So you give me your vote
Leave old Ralphy alone
I’m the one you need
‘Cause I’m BLAT to the bone
I’m BLAT to the bone
B-b-b-b-b-b-BLAT
B-b-b-b-b-b-BLAT...

And now I'll answer some questions that a certain ET asked me particularly:

Pantsuits – fabulous, or manifest evil? Pick a side: we’re at war.

You’re at war; I love the world.

But seriously: better a woman in a pantsuit than a man in a dress.

I’m not the world’s most puritan bloke,
But when I see him prancing I just want to choke
That Konservo
Ko-ko-ko-Konservo

Ko-ko-ko-Konservo....

What role do you, as California Blat, foresee for your demoralized twin Campaign Blat in a Ralph/Blat White House?

There won’t be a Ralph/Blat White House.

But as for Campaign Blat, I sincerely pity him. It’s not his fault that I got all the magic as well as the brains and talent, during that whatever-it-was in Smallville. And RALPH has destroyed what little brain he had left. I would go talk to him and show him the love and tenderness that poor lost soul deserves - except I don’t want his negativity to rub off on me.

What about the Iraq "surge? Are payments to insurgents professionalism and "good business?

Depends what you’re paying them for. I will pay insurgents only if:
- they make good kebabs
- they’ll teach me how to sing "Heartbreak Hotel" in Arabic
- they’ll teach my Rottweilers how to belly dance
- they actually hit me when they shoot at me. (NOTE from Hiram: CB is too moddist to say it but, you see, bullets don’t do him no hurt. Even them Impervised Exploding Thangs can’t harm him - they jist tickle him a bit.)

Will you institute a system of love points" for Congress and the Cabinet?

Oh absolutely. I plan to completely change the adversarial natural of party politics. Every morning before meetings begin, all Congressmen will have to join hands and sing "The Barney Song." There will be "hug breaks" every two hours. Anyone who won’t agree to love their fellow decision makers unconditionally will be forced to work 12-hour days at minimum wage like every other American.

Newshounds: assholes, wretched assholes, or the most wretched assholes of all time?

Of course they’re assholes; if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be Newshounds. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being an asshole. Some of my best friends are assholes. Some people have even told me I’m one myself.

They’re not the most wretched of all time though. There are at least two people in the world who are more wretched. I won’t say their names but one begins with "R" and the other begins with "K". But I love them anyway. I love the world!

VOTE FOR ME!!!!

Derision 2008 - The Troll Party Town Hall Debate

Welcome! The floor opens for your questions in approximately ten minutes.