A Campaign Game-Changer?

Enthusiasm has been lacking in the Troll Party ranks ever since the tepid public response to the “Derision 2008” Town Hall session earlier this year. RALPH’s predictions regarding an imminent RAPTURE have thus far failed to materialize; California Blat’s musical populist whereabouts remain a mystery; Campaign Blat’s stolen van has disappeared again after one brief sighting “down by the river”; and Lephari, that mythic wanderer, continues to ricochet from NYPD precinct to precinct in search of a willing ear to receive his prophetic warnings of subway terror and chaos.

But in these days of “lipstick on a pig” and foreign policy by proximity, one erstwhile Troll Party candidate has seized the moment - and at least a fraction of the national imagination - by calling for a radical shake-up in the ticket of one major party.

Konservo, once among the front-runners to share the Troll Party ticket with RALPH, last night held a hasty press conference at the Polo Club in Hartford, Connecticut’s South End, where he is establishing a rapid response center in anticipation of the forthcoming Newshounds Off-Topic Convention later this month. The candidate – stunning in a lime-green halter-top gown with matching shawl, his latest wig styled in a fetching schoolmarm up-do punctuated with a large rhinestone flag pin – opened with the following prepared remarks:

(accepting a jello shot from popular Club entertainer “Marita Bonita”)

Good evening, my dear friends! It’s simply marvelous to see such an excited turnout here tonight! I’m sure it’s all because of me and not the two-for-one appetizers or the Midori martinis. ANYWAY, just in a moment of seriousness, I’ve called you all here tonight because I sincerely believe that we, U.S. Americans, such as, must seize this critical moment in our history to make a choice that will forever alter the face of this nation and the level of respect and dignity in which we are held around the globe.

Now, we’ve all seen how shamefully the Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, has been treated by the corporate media. The disrespect of expecting someone in that position to understand the Bush Doctrine, the unmitigated gall of asking what qualifications living in a state near Russia confer on one’s foreign policy chops, and above all the absolute snub of Charlie Gibson's failure to open the nominee’s first one-on-one interview with the traditional exclamation “Darling, what are you wearing? – you look simply divine!”

Well, I say it’s time to put a stop to this rank brutality. No moose-hunter should have to endure such relentless grilling by the wolfpack media – not even from a low-flying plane.

I would like to offer the Republican ticket a graceful way out of this dilemma.

Senator McCain….pick me! Ooh, please, pretty pretty please, pick ME!!

A pit bull with lipstick? Honey, that’s a look I invented. Global expertise? Can anyone forget my heroic efforts to rescue RALPH from the Royal Ottawa Hospital in godless, socialistic Canada earlier in this campaign? Talking about energy? Well, anyone who has seen my cabaret act knows that I put out enough juice to singlehandedly power any small rural town on the tundra you care to name. And forget about earmarks – any ticket involving Konservo will be heavy on the earrings.

You want reform? Well, just imagine the kind of change I could bring to the GOP ticket. A little fashion reform, for a start! Did you see what Cindy was wearing on the first non-night of the convention in dear old Minneapolis/St. Paul, home of my favorite airport restroom? Hel-LO, Rhinestone Cowgirl, if you’re going to shell out that much on a dress then for heaven’s sake go for a look that doesn’t scream Flash Gordon Bimbo! No, a Konservo-influenced administration will bring in some fresh talent, Project Runway-style, to garb the Cabinet. I’m thinking Christian Siriano for domestic policy, and for foreign policy something more restrained and structured, maybe a little Rami Kashou. With a few special outfits from that crazy woman who spit-marks her patterns, just to keep things interesting, for the U.N. Ambassador…who will after all have to stand up to Paris couture and international scrutiny. You can't go up against Chanel unprepared and unvetted.

It solves so many problems, Senator McCain. Your trophy veep from Alaska won’t have to continue to undergo the third degree from the Fourth Estate. You’ll still have someone absolutely gorgeous to ogle on the campaign trail (nudge-nudge, wink-wink). I’m supremely confident I can deliver the Log Cabin Republican vote for you, even if I have to persuade them voter by voter (nudge-nudge, wink-wink, again). And after what I’ve already been through in this campaign, I’m absolutely fearless – no media pundit, no opposition candidate, no Sausage-Haus proprietor is too daunting for me to take on!

So, I implore you, Senator. Consider my proposal. And let’s really make history…together.

And now, my friends, before I take some questions from these very uncomfortable-looking reporters, I would like to conclude my remarks with a little song! Maestro?

With this, Konservo grabbed a proffered microphone from Club entertainer “Ms. Phil” and regaled the audience with his own version of “I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General”:

I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President
Embody all that’s evil, yet I cover it with sentiment.
I know the world’s heads of state from Gordon Brown to Medvedev
With many a histor’cal nod to Stalin, Blair and Gorbachev.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with taxes and th’ economy;
The first, I never pay them, and the second doesn’t bother me.
These people losing jobs and homes, I just tune out their hollers…
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!

(at this point the Polo Club chorus stepped in)
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollars!
Too bad they won’t pick lettuce for an hourly fifty dollarlollars!

I'm very good at marking ears and lining lobbyists’ pockets,
And stonewalling subpoenas that would put my staff in dockets.
In short, when it involves a Unitary Executive precedent,
I am the very model of an GOP Vice-President!

Konservo then seated himself on the Polo Club’s massive bar, showing a tempting quantity of leg as “Marita” poured him a generous margarita, and settled in to take reporters’ questions. A detailed transcript of the explosive Q&A will follow this breaking news report in due course.

ARMAGEDDON: SIX DAYS AND COUNTING

Is the date for the Rapture set? RALPH appears to think so.

It appears that the heavily favored Troll Party candidate for President lost interest in the campaign after Senator Clinton was defeated in the primaries. He abruptly deserted his "Morning After" road show, leaving his partner, the Reverend Thomas P. Zacharias of Bedlam Junction, Pennsylvania, to pay the hotel bills. Taking no further part in the campaign, he withdrew to his fortified retreat in the mountains of Montana and started obsessing about the Irish.

Now, however, it seems that Senator Clinton’s intention to play a role in next week’s Democratic convention has revived his fervor for the End of Days.

"In RALPH’s theology, Clinton’s presence is essential for the Rapture to take place," says the noted RALPHologist, Canon Simeon Infarct-Smith of the Church of St.-Michael’s-Up-the-Creek in Rumball, New Jersey. "Therefore, when she apparently ceased to be a political player, the thought of at least four more un-Raptured years threw RALPH into despair. Now, the prospect of her presidency has raised his hopes."

He puts it this way in his latest blog entry:

IF THE RAPTURE OCCURS BEFORE THURSDAY, AUGUST 28TH, THE NEWLY-RAPTURE-READY SENATOR OBAMA WILL BE RAPTURED ALONG WITH SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN AND AMERICAS GREATEST PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH AND VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY LEAVING PIAPS TO RUN UNOPPOSED IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!!!

BY DEFAULT, NANCY PELOSI WOULD BECOME "PRESIDENT" UNTIL PIAPS WINS UNOPPOSED IN NOVEMBER TO BE SWORN-IN ON JANUARY 19, 2009, TO START THE FIRST CHAPTER OF THE MORNING AFTER!!!!

He does qualify the predictions by saying, STILL MUCH IS SPECULATIVE AT THIS POINT!!!!!! However, sources close to the Candidate claim he doesn’t believe his own qualifier. "He’s getting ready for the Rapture," said Sonny White. "He really thinks it’s coming next Thursday."

But Moment-Man Jesse Earl Pickin, spokesman for arch-rival California Blat, says, "There ain’t no Army-Geddin comin’ on Thursday. That’s a pile o’ crap. He ain’t gonna git outta the campaign that easy."

We’ll be counting down the days...

RALPH’s Vision for Border Control Catches Fire (Literally)

With the Democratic Party’s nomination battle between Senators Clinton and Obama headed into overtime, scant attention has been focused on the RALPH campaign since the Troll Party Town Hall earlier this spring. Does that mean the candidate has been idle, coasting lazily into an all-but-certain nomination on a string of dull speeches punctuated with a laconic and insincere “my friends” every half-dozen words or so? No, indeed – in his trademark style, RALPH has blazed forward, taking his message of radical foreign policy and border control overhaul to convenience store after convenience store throughout the sparsely-populated regions of the Upper Midwest, straight to the heart of his dedicated (if deeply and fundamentally confused) constituency.

RALPH’s most recent stump speech at the Shop-n-Save Laundromat & Deli adjoining the Sinclair station in Ottertail, Minnesota outlined his “TEN ESSENTIALS FOR ESTABLISHING AMERICA’S RIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITH THE WORLD.” He delivered this barn-burner of a speech from the artfully-staged bed of a flatbed pickup truck as Sonny White, Sonny Green and Sonny Black sat on the bumper whittling themselves new sets of teeth (knotty pine) while Campaign Blat, stoned on vitamins, sulked in the van.

“COULTER PLAN! COULTER PLAN!” shouted RALPH repeatedly.

Ida Rose Svensdottir, sorting her lights from her darks as the speech began, shrugged. “I don’t give a fig for what he says he’ll do about horses,” she commented to a fellow laundromat patron (apparently mis-hearing his reference as to a “colt-er” plan). “He just better not get any of that muck from that truck on my linens. Also, I’m much more interested in his economic stimulus package. I could barely pay to drive here to do my laundry after the kickback check from the current administration.”

As RALPH moved on to his plans for defensive barriers at both the southern and northern borders of the United States, his message fell on more enthusiastic ears in the form of Lars Svensson, a long-time resident of Ottertail who is a regular at the Tuesday foot-long-sub-combo-special at the Deli. “I completely get what he’s saying about the Doberman patrols along the Canadian border. Might stop them lining up on the other side most weekends, brandishing hockey sticks and taunting us about weak beer. The alligators on the Mexican border, well, I don’t know if that makes a whole lotta sense given the risk of poachers trying to shoot them for a new pair of boots. But I leave that to the experts.” Although not in a position to donate financially to the RALPH campaign, Lars did offer to share the Fritos from his combo with the campaign team, even as the campaign displayed the composite image shown above, outlining their border plan.

But the rally really kicked into high gear as RALPH prepared to address his grievances regarding Ulster and the Vatican. Not because of RALPH’s often inflammatory rhetoric, but thanks to a sudden

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in the bank of tumble dryers at the Shop-n-Save.

Ida Rose emerged through a cloud of smoke, screaming for assistance. “The third Speed Queen down just blew completely up! Somebody call the fire department!”

Lars, sniffing the air experimentally, commented that the combination of flame and the chemicals in a box of Bounce would result in a toxic cloud that could make Three Mile Island look like a picnic, and advised bystanders to clear the area in an orderly manner.

RALPH reacted to the incident with the cool, calm leadership qualities we all look for in a Chief Executive.

He leapt down from the flatbed screaming:

“PIAPS!!!! IT’S PIAPS!!!!!!

QUICK, SOMEBODY FIND OUT HOW FAR WE ARE FROM HER NEAREST CAMPAIGN OFFICE!!!!!!!
SET THE CAPTIVES FR…..”

and at this point he disappeared underneath the flatbed, crawling rapidly on hands and knees away from the conflagration.

The three Sonny Brothers placidly continued to whittle, Sonny Black occasionally distance-spitting in an apparent attempt to reach the newspaper vending machine bolted to the concrete outside the now flaming Shop-n-Save.

But before a panicked Ida Rose could reach the highway-side phone booth to call 9-1-1, an unexpected figure pulled into the Sinclair station with unmistakable flair and a circular skid that would have done any Hollywood stuntman proud.

Yes, it was California Blat himself who emerged from the cab of his red-white-and-blue pickup (to which not a grain of dust adhered), his guitar slung across his back and his legendary baseball cap covering his rapidly balding pate. Swinging his instrument easily into place (settle down, now, gentle reader; that’s not the instrument I meant!) he strummed an opening chord and sang:

I didn’t start the fire,
But now that it’s burning
Time I was returning;
I didn’t start the fire,
No, I didn’t light it,
But I’m here to fight it!

And with that musical pronouncement, California Blat swept his baseball cap off and beat back the flames with it, leaving snowdrop petals wherever it landed and ensuring that Ida Rose’s precious percale sheets not only retained their luxurious hand in the wake of the disaster, but were also perfectly pressed and folded. One final, triumphant chord resulted in the entire Shop-n-Save gleaming with a new coat of paint, a repaired Slurpee machine, and the welcome disappearance of Starburst Fruit Chews from the snack aisle.

The Sonnys leapt to their feet in applause, Ida Rose hugged California Blat while cuddling her pillowcases, and Lars acknowledged grudging admiration, allowing as how maybe he could vote for a guy who would singlehandedly fight deli/laundromat fires so courageously, alligators or no alligators...though he would have to weigh heavily such a candidate’s stand on Dobermans.

RALPH could be heard to quietly bleat from beneath the flatbed: “CHANGING LIVES! ON THE MARCH!! YES!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!!!!”

California Blat took a step nearer and strummed a threatening D-Minor chord, and RALPH subsided.

Vaulting back into the cab of his pickup, California Blat sang his farewell:

Well, since that RALPHIE’s speeches
Ain’t so much to recall,
I hope that you all will vote for me
At election time this fall…
Coz I am a hero, baby,
A great big hero,
And RALPH is a zero, yes he is.

On that note – literally – California Blat was off as he had come, wheeling into the distance with theatrical flair.

By the time RALPH had emerged from under the flatbed, peering cautiously from side to side in fear of PIAPS’ minions, Ida Rose had long since returned home with her lemon-fresh laundry, Lars had consumed his combo and departed for parts unknown, the Sonny Brothers were asleep on the flatbed – one of them mumbling/humming “I’m proud to be an Okie from Muskogee” while deep in REM – and Campaign Blat appeared to have taken the van and left them stranded overnight.

As this reporter left the scene, RALPH was doggedly placing printouts from “The Morning After” under windshields of the vehicles parked near the Shop-n-Save…apparently oblivious to the fact that the area adjacent to the Sinclair Station/Shop-n-Save – littered with vehicles – was, in fact, an automotive salvage yard.

LATE UPDATE: RALPH’s campaign had no comment on the charges of trespassing and vandalism filed today by Joe’s Auto Salvage of Ottertail, MN.

Lephari on the Warpath

We have finally managed to trace the wherabouts of RALPH's fantastical clone, Prophet Lephari, last seen as the unappreciative guest of the Newshounds of the Caribbean.

As usual, his adventures are of epic proportions. Read on...

(Invocation:)

Of mad Lephari’s frenzied wanderings
Sing, glorious Muse; inspire my feeble pen
With fantasies bizarre and marvellous!

(The narrative commenceth...)

Across the broad Atlantic sails a ship,
Bearing the Jolly Roger on its mast.
It is the "Snakeskin Bentley", and its crew,
The famous Newshounds of the Caribbean!
Upon the deck a mound of treasure gleams,
The plunder of their celebrated prize,
The cruise ship of the National Review.
The culinary plunder - surf and turf,
Sweet petit-fours and wines extraordinaire -
Are being shared among the pirate crew;
And special brownies, from the oven hot,
Are served about by beaming PbDs.
The pirates, in high glee, do laugh and sing:

"Oh pass the bottles round!

To Hartford we are bound!

To party on

At the Newshound Con

Till we pass out on the ground!”

Silent upon the deck Lephari stands,
Aloof from all the glee and merriment.
Leaning upon the plunder, moodily
He stares out at the emptiness of sea.
“Come, have a brownie!” urges Jolly Nell.
He picks one up and downs it wordlessly.

All of a sudden, from his pallid lips
There comes a shriek that echoes ‘cross the sea:
“ALAS!!! A SUDDEN VISION COMES UPON ME!!!
AND HIDEOUS THE HORRORS I BEHOLD!!!
FOR DEEP BENEATH THE TOWERS OF NEW YORK
A VILE CONSPIRACY IS BEING HATCHED!!!
THERE, HIDDEN IN THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH,
CONSORT THE LIBYANS AND THE FENIANS
AND ALL THE LEGIONS OF THE CHURCH OF ROME,
ALL BOWING SLAVISHLY BEFORE THE FEET
OF HER WHOSE NAME IS VOMIT ON MY TONGUE -
THE LOATHSOME PIAPS, DOUGHNUT-BUMPING SKANK!!!
HELP!!! NEW YORK CITY MUST BE WARNED AT ONCE -
I PRITHEE TAKE ME THERE - NO TIME TO LOSE!!!

The pirates laugh. “No fornicating way!
We’re bound for Hartford; we’ll no detours make!”
Lephari screams and raves - to no avail -
In fury snatches from the pile of loot
A silver coffee creamer; squeezes it
While mumbling: “Libtard PIAPS-loving scum!
I wish I were in New York City now,
To save its people!”

Lo! With rush of wind

The Bentley disappears! Before him now
The towers of Manhattan shine aloft
While all about him traffic honks and roars.
“Best get onto the sidewalk, friend,” a voice
Beside him says, in drawling Texan tones.
And lo! Behold! A wispy figure clad
In suit and tie, with gleaming toothy smile,
Hovers like cobweb at the creamer’s mouth.
“Praise to the Lord! Your wish is my command!”
Lephari stares astounded; then he asks, “
WHY, WHO ARE YOU? THE GENIE OF THE CREAMER?”
“I am no heathen genie!” snaps the wraith.
“I am a Christian, minion of the Lord;
Because you’re a believer, He has sent
Me to your aid, to grant you Wishes Three.
You’ve taken one already; I’m empow’rd
To grant two more.”

“THE LORD IS ON MY SIDE!!!”

Lephari chortles. “I WILL GO AT ONCE

TO WARN NYPD OF PIAPS’ PLOT,

AND WITH THEIR CHIEF DEVISE GREAT STRATEGIES

OF RESCUE!!! TREMBLE, SKANKY PIAPS VILE!!!

THE CULTURE WAR IS ON!!!!”

(...to be continued)

RALPH Blasts McCain Campaign Over "Donut Moment," Claims Clinton Complicit!

Off the beaten path but still on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania, RALPH today issued a blistering statement against presumptive Republican candidate John McCain. Speaking from the hood of a 1999 Pontiac Bonneville at Woy Brothers auto dealership in Somerset, the Troll Party frontrunner accused McCain of conspiring with Democratic rival Senator Hillary Clinton in what one onlooker describes as a "heckuva weird speaking style."

The source of RALPH's ire? It was reported today that, following the candidate's remarks at the annual meeting of the Associated Press, the moderator presented him with his "favorite treat"...half a dozen Dunkin' Donuts. With sprinkles.

"McCAIN HAS SUCCUMBED TO THE LURE OF P.I.A.P.S. AND HER DONUTS OF DOOM!" thundered RALPH. "SHE HAS TURNED THE ASSOCIATED PRESS MODERATOR INTO A PUSHER, HOOKING McCAIN ON HER SUGARY PERVERSITY! BEWARE THE SPRINKLES, SENATOR, OR YOU RISK MISSING THE RAPTURE AND SPENDING ALL OF ETERNITY WITH P.I.A.P.S.!!!! BWAHHHHHH!"

RALPH was unable to take questions from the audience, due to the rapid approach of Used Car Manager Sam Bandanna, heard to yell "Get the $%*# off that %#$(%ing car NOW, you *@%# lunatic! That's this week's Featured Vehicle!" RALPH's response was to slide down the Sand Beige hood and sprint for the road and his waiting van.

"SAVE YOURSELVES!" he screeched as campaign staffer Sonny Black peeled out into traffic on Highway 985 North. "DON'T VOTE FOR THAT SKANKY DONUT-PUSHER!! REMEMBER...WITHOUT PA THERE IS NO P.I.A.P.S.!!!!"

Befuddled locals pondered this statement, wondering whether RALPH meant the result would then be PIS, IPS, SIP, ISP, or PSI. The impromptu caucus then dispersed as Sam desperately tried to interest any of them in a black 1997 Grand Am.

In other Troll Party news, California Blat spent the weekend participating in a bowl-a-thon at Idle Hour Bowling Lanes (motto, "? Family Fun Center ?") in Scranton, earning $53.75 in charity pledges - matched penny for penny by his baseball cap - for his superhuman ability to convert 7-10 splits. Konservo danced the night away at Woody's Bar in Philly, vowing over his sixth $3 frozen margarita to be back this evening for karaoke night. And one unconfirmed report placed Campaign Blat picketing GNC headquarters in Pittsburgh and attempting to sign up employees going off-shift as Eniva affiliates.

Town Hall Lives On in Cyberspace

Well, ladies and gentlemen of Trollsylvania; residents of Freeperville; envoys from the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy; and anyone else who happens to have stumbled across tonight's festivities - the lights are dimming in Yantis, Texas (a former finalist for "Most Redneck Town In America"). The prospective candidates have all stumbled toward their campaign convoys, the pundits have begun their evaluations, and volunteers are cleaning up the detritus of the debate-closing ceremonial donut-drop.

But that doesn't mean the Town Hall is over! By no means. The candidates and representatives of their campaigns have pledged to continue monitoring your further questions and to respond to them as they arise. Think of it as the 7-Eleven of campaign debates: we never close!

In the coming days you'll see in this space insightful or at least space-filling reports from journalists on this debate - who were the winners, the losers, and Miss Congeniality. Audio and video coverage is also anticipated, to memorialize for all time the highlights and lowlights of this landmark event.

So, thanks to the providers of our debate venue, to our readers for their questions and issues, and to California Blat, Konservo and RALPH for their participation this evening. From the Troll Party Town Hall, I'm your host, RalphyFan. Good night: vote early, vote often.

More Policy from California Blat

I'm back. I have a few more questions to answer and I want to knock Konservo off the top of this blog...

• Climate change – real problem, business opportunity, or just made up by Al Gore?
Oh, definitely a business opportunity. And don’t think Al Gore doesn’t know it. Let me tell you something: I was talking to this entrepenoor from Minneapolis, about growing bananas in Minnesota - and what do you think he told me? He said he’d already signed a deal with Al Gore! Man talks out of both sides of his mouth. He needs some vitamins to get him thinking straight.

• Public Enemy Number One – who should it be, and why?
The nameless scumbag who invented Lite Rock. Back when I was working in an office, that's all I'd hear - the same three songs over and over again on the same evil radio station. I will ABOLISH that radio station as soon as I become President and I will tear the country apart to find whoever owns it. Do you know how much TORMENT that person’s inflicted on the ears of society? I'll throw him into a soundproof prison and make him listen to those three songs over and over for the rest of his miserable life.

• Will you make it a campaign priority for the government to regain control of the SAMPO from Al Gore and the Newshounds of the Caribbean? Why or why not?
No, it won’t be a priority. I think it’s more of a priority for me to have a new Turkmen hat. Though I’d be happy to take on the Newshounds of the Caribbean in some other way. A Sumo wrestling tournament maybe?

• What about the impending RAPTURE?
As I mentioned before, I don’t believe it’s impending. I was told so by two unimpeachable sources - Elvis, and this pterodactyl I met last summer while I was climbing the letter Y in "HOLLYWOOD". They both said the RAPTURE was a lie invented to sell more donuts. I believe them.