Konservo BUMPS To The Front

TADAAADAAAADAAAAA - take that, RALPH!

Just kidding, darlings. But it is time to share a little more of my thinking on the important issues facing us, now that the children are keeping one another amused.

• Who will you invite to perform at your inauguration party?

Well, I would want to give a shout-out and a nice, lucrative gig to my band from the Lookout Bar & Bistro in Ottawa. Might as well start out on a good foot with our neighbors to the north. I could even sit in on a special inaugural number, assuming we can get the June Tailor Dancers. Then, a combination Barbara Streisand/Elton John performance would really get up the other candidates’ noses. Sweeet.

• Climate change – real problem, business opportunity, or just made up by Al Gore?

I couldn’t care less about Al Gore. He’s a has-been if you ask me. And he’s inconvenient, too. As for this climate-change stuff, so long as I have my AC I’m not bothered if we end up with a few more days of sun in the Bahamas. In fact, if we’re going to war, why not invade THEM? At least it would be someplace US Americans, such as, with maps, would want to go.

• Public Enemy Number One – who should it be, and why?

Oh, definitely Donald Trump. Not only has he foisted lousy, egocentric television on us all for season after season, you just want to rip out that idiotic combover and tell his latest golddigger wife to keep the “girls” in their corral a little more discreetly. He’s a boil on the collective backside of America in more ways than one. I will actively pursue his participation on What Not To Wear in penance for his crimes against humanity. For six successive weeks.

• Will you make it a campaign priority for the government to regain control of the SAMPO from Al Gore and the Newshounds of the Caribbean? Why or why not?

I've already made my position on Al Gore just crystal clear. But, no, I don’t think I can be bothered with that. I’ve always been secretly drawn to the whole “pirate” vibe – cutlasses, high boots, bodice-ripping. Besides, doesn’t that SAMPO stuff depend on Blat’s baseball cap? I wouldn’t touch that thing with a hazmat suit. Seriously. You don’t know where he’s been.

• Your opinion on magic underwear and feathers? Is it cheating? And, if you do use magic underwear…boxers, briefs or thongs?

Honey, come on. ALL underwear is magic. It’s when it comes off that the real fun begins.

• What about the impending RAPTURE?

What about it? Like I said, it means different things to different people. And I’m as different as they come. Aren’t you?

• And above all, what are your plans for those bad-ass Newshounds?

Even liberals obsessed with me aren’t beyond redemption and a little nookie. I’d invite them all to the Oval Office for a tiddlywinks tournament, a polka-fest, some mini-quiches and champagne, and then skinny-dipping in the White House pool. After an evening with me, politics will be the LAST thing on all your minds, darlings.