*fade in*
Commentator: “Welcome America to the Troll Party Primary Debate! Tonight looks to be an historic moment, as we discuss the platforms, strategies, and insanity of our three remaining Troll Party™ candidates. We’ve already heard from Candidates California Blat and Konservo, up next is the self proclaimed ‘America’s Greatest President in Waiting’ and the Prophet of Lephari, RALPH!”
*camera shot changes*
Ralph: “BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHHHAA!!!!!! *mumbles incoherently*”
“LIBTARDS! I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE MOUNTAINS!!! I HAVE OOZED FROM THE SWAMPS!! I HAVE SIFTED FROM THE DESERTS! I BRING A MESSAGE OF RAPTURE FOR YOU!!!!”
*rumble of applause*
“YOU DECRIED AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT AND TURNED FROM THE FAITH! STARSHIP JAYZUS APPROACHES (August 27th ™) AND YOU STIL DO NOT HATE!!!! YOU DON’T HATE ISLAMOFASCISTS! YOU DON’T HATE THE EVIL PIAPS!!! YOU DON’T HATE HER BUMPITY DONUTS!!!”
*shocked silence*
“EVIL JELLY-FILLED, GLAZE COVERED ABOMINATIONS! ANAL INVADING CREAM OOZING SUCCUBI!!!!”
*stunned looks*
“YOU ARE FILLED WITH TROOP-HATE, AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT HATE, IRAQ WAR HATE, PENIS-HATE, MONKEY-HATE!!”
*beginning epiphany*
“IT IS TIME TO TAKE BACK YOUR RECTUMS FROM THE DEVILS THE LIKES OF CALIFORNIA BLAT, KONSERVO AND PIAPS!!!! BE OF GOOD CHEER, FOR I, AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT IN WAITING ™, AM HERE!!!!!”
*standing ovation*
Commentator: “Yes, herm. The floor is open for questions to the candidate.”
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9 comments:
Glad to see you oozed over to this debate, Ralph.
I got a whole list of questions for you. Starting with how you plan to decorate the White House when you become President.
Candidate Konservo Speaks:
About time you turned up, sweetie. Did you try that conditioner I recommended last time our campaign managers met in the mud-wrestling challenge? You're flaking a little...
I have my own burning issues for you, RALPH. Most importantly:
Norway – will you work to bring them into a Rapture-Ready coalition, or leave them to rot in the Hell On Earth that is Oslo?
Candidate Konservo Speaks:
RALPH, honeybun - rumors are just flying that you intend to replace No Child Left Behind with They Can’t Even Think, a much more radical behavior modification program for the elementary grades. Can you address this issue and tell us what some of this program’s specifics are?
THEY CAN’T EVEN THINK™ WILL BRING HIPPIE-LIBTARD CHILDREN TO THE RIGHT THINKING OF RAPTURE AND AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT!!! IT WILL BE ANIT-PIAPS AND ANTI-DONUT!
AND ANTI-FEATHER BOAS!!!
BWAHAHAAAHAAHAAAAAA!!!!
My question for RALPH is about those evil, anti-American donuts. Is there one type that we should be more suspicious of than the others? One of my buddies says that jelly donuts are the most dangerous because they could actually be explosive, but another says powdered sugar donuts are the worst because for all you know that white stuff could be anthrax.
Please share your wisdom!
Also, will you come and be the keynote speaker at our "Donuts of Doom" seminar? After witnessing and testimony we're going to hold a Twinkie-stomp and then burn an effigy of Little Debbie. Fun and enlightenment for the whole family!
Hello. This is Mrs. Mildred Spanakopita from Tumacacori, Arizona, and I have a very important question none of the campaigns has yet answered to my satisfaction.
WHERE IS LEPHARI?
Thank you all for loving America,
Mildred
ALL DONUTS ARE EVIL,DEMLIB! THEY WILL ATTACK YOUR SOUL!!! YOUR RECTUM!!!
I WILL COME AND BEAR WITNESS TO YOUR EVENT! I DON'T COME CHEAP THOUGH!! HOSTEASS PRODUCTS MUCH BE FREELY AVAilABLE TO ME AT ALL TIMES!
WHERE IS LEPHARI?
HE IS IN YOUR COLON!!
HE IS THERE TO DEFEAT THE EVIL THAT INGESTING DONUTS CAUSES TO YOUR SOUL!!!
LEPHARI WILL DESTROY THE EVIL BUMPITINESS OF PIAPS!! HE WILL KNOCK ON YOUR LOWER INTESTINAL WALL AND THOSE OF GOOD SENSE WILL ALLOW HIM IN!!!!
Here's what I don't understand, Ralph.
You want the Rapture to hurry up and happen.
You think a Hillary Clinton presidency will precipitate this event.
Yet half your posts - when you're not ranting about donuts or churning out inept porn - are calling for her to be investigated immediately for everything from infrastructure collapses and ruptured gas lines to things you've just imagined.
Such investigations would interfere with her electability, don't you think?
So...which is it, Ralph? If it's all about the Rapture, then you ought to be out there volunteering day and night for her campaign and organizing all your stuff for your fan base to pick up after you're CUITA (Caught Up Into The Air).
If that's not it, and it is actually all about the porn...you might as well admit it.
A little consistency, Ralph. Is that too much to ask??
You're asking Ralph to make sense?
HAHA!
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