Konservo Fans' Worst Fears Sidestepped

Patrons of the Lookout Bar & Bistro in the Market were at first dismayed and then astonished as Konservo took the stage on Sunday evening, wearing an earpiece and dark glasses, mumbling what sounded like CIA code words, and sporting a three-piece suit. His demeanor was measured and he seemed oblivious to the audience's presence.

"Bloody hell!" yelled one of the assembled crowd toward the stage. "No more of this campaign crap!!! Let's get to the show!!!!"

Konservo startled all those assembled, even the bouncers, into an abrupt silence as he tugged a handgun from a shoulder holster under his jacket and fired a blank round into the air above the stage. "Show?" he retorted in clipped tones to the audience member. "Show? You think this is a show, pal? Not a deathly serious war against global extremists??"

The pregnant pause hung in the air like the smoke from Konservo's blank round.

Then, to the strains of "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" abruptly pouring at ear-splitting volume throughout the club, Konservo launched into the covert-spy-into-LGBT-icon striptease you see depicted in the illustration, at one point twirling his earpiece around his head and yelling "Did you MISS me, Ottawa??!!" before flinging the keepsake into the enthusiastic and agitated crowd.

"But...what's this going to do to the value of my autographed 'Progresso Konservo' paper doll sheet?" lamented one clubgoer. "I only today got it appraised and insured! It seemed so...so collectible!"

"No worries," another patron reassured. "The rate this guy is going, we will see everything from him by the time U.S. elections come to a close. Meanwhile - isn't it a helluva show?!"

This campaign correspondent was unfortunately leaving the campaign venue to file this report just as Konservo was inviting audience members to the stage to spank him with his own trademark toilet brush.