Ralph Needs Women!

Or a woman, at any rate. Having had his overtures to Miss South Carolina Teen USA, Caitlin Upton, met with a dramatic refusal - and a restraining order delivered directly to the passenger-side window of the campaign van as it entered the Lexington city limits - RALPH's desperation for a trophy wife to adorn the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign has borne unusual fruit.

Sources within the campaign say that RALPH has tentatively embraced a long-distance reconciliation with Konservo, his onetime confidante whose relationship with RALPH was deeply strained by Konservo's turn to a career in cross-dressing cabaret performance during a campaign junket to Ottawa. It has transpired that, while lounging in his dressing room between acts, Konservo has not only been experimenting with different brands of mascara and trying to decide on a signature scent, but has also been writing a steamy romance novel in collaboration with noted Harlequin author Meighan Aubergine. Published this month by Troll Press, The Laird of Lephari Cove is what Konservo describes as "a hot, sensual fiction-based novel" describing his past-life romance with RALPH.

"The author hopes that this intimate look at the man behind the politician/blogger will encourage women across America to 'practice their love' with this exceptional individual," said a Troll Press spokesperson. When asked by reporter Kate Stone of No Stone Unturned how a piece of sensationalized historical fiction could possibly help a present-day political campaign, the spokesperson responded that the publishers felt it perfectly in keeping with the Troll Party platform of living in the past and making decisions based on anything but facts.

From the back cover:

• From the carriage window, fondling my toilet brush with misty memories of the previous evening's encounter, I watched him stride moodily across the headland, his mane of greasy hair whipped by the wind, his cloak flapping around his flip-flops. A flash of unexpected lightning threw his tortured form into a stark profile, as he threw his arms wide and cried to the brooding skies high above Lephari Cove: "PIAPS!!!! PIAPS!!!!!!!!!! AMERICA-HATE, DOUGHNUT-HATE, INSIGHTFUL-ANALYSIS-HATE, LEPHARI-COVE-HATE!!!!!!!! AAAAAGH!!"

Follow-on promotional plans include the launch of www.pleasemarrymeloveRALPH.org, a site modeled on the Marry Our Daughter web site - endorsed by RALPH, incidentally, as "A GODLY ALTERNATIVE TO THE TRIBULATION THESE FRESH AND NUBILE YOUNG GIRLS WILL FACE IF THEY ARE NOT RAPTURED, AND MUST LIVE ON UNDER THE CRUEL REIGN OF PIAPS!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" The new site will give women interested in marrying RALPH an opportunity to post their photos, profiles, and bank account balances. RALPH will then announce his selection just prior to the primaries, after meeting privately with twenty hand-selected finalists to determine compatibility.

RALPH's constant handlers, Über Troll and Campaign Blat, read a prepared statement from RALPH, to the effect that he appreciated Konservo's literary contribution to the cause, would be happy to autograph copies at campaign stops throughout the heartland, and would hereafter make all his public appearances in a long cloak and wide-brimmed, feathered hat. "No comment," was Blat's terse reply to the question of whether or not RALPH's ecclesiastical twin, the self-styled Prophet Lephari, approved of the novel. Lip-readers, however, keeping a careful eye on Über Troll as he flipped through the pages, mopping sweat off his brow and trying to keep his hands from shaking uncontrollably as he did, appeared to mutter "I don't think so..." under his breath.

Ghost-writer Aubergine is expected to take the novel on a nationwide Wal*Mart promotional tour. Konservo, unfortunately, will not be available, as he readies his new Ethel Merman tribute act for an October debut.