Saturday, September 1, 2007

Konservo Goes Progressive? Stunning Revelations from Canada!

In an about-face unusual even for this campaign, it appears that RALPH's former inseparable confidante Konservo, having gotten in touch with his inner diva during the recent SPP summit in Ottawa, has made a stunning reversal of position...including a dramatic break in which he has aligned many of his viewpoints with and bestowed his admiration upon Senator Hillary Clinton, a first-tier Presidential candidate and, to RALPH, the embodiment of all that is reprehensible.

Nightclub patrons in the area had been abuzz about Konservo's showstopping drag act, combining wingnut politics with sultry torch songs in performances that one audience member hailed by saying: "Man, that is completely better than my best acid trip in the Haight in the 60's. He's enough to make me think that, yeah, maybe 'America's Got Talent!'" So audiences this Labor Day weekend were taken aback as, to the opening strains of "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," Konservo appeared not in his customary French maid's costume but instead in a smartly-tailored pantsuit and stepping up not to the back of the baby grand piano but to a nearby podium. His frizzy grey locks appeared to have been neatly trimmed, but it was hard to tell since he sported a sleek, short blonde wig in addition to his other very corporate-leaning wear.

"My!" he began, stumbling a little over the inappropriateness of 'Americans,' the more familiar terminology. "It is indeed a privilege to address you this evening and to continue our conversation about the future of the United States of America. I want you to know that I am here as much to listen as to speak, and I hope you will tell me what is on your minds."

"Shut up the U.S. campaign B.S. already, Konservo!" shouted one voice from beyond the footlights. "Let's see that legendary can-can of yours!"

Konservo only smiled and said "No, no - I have hung up my dancing shoes for tonight. I'm here to tell you why I now believe that Hillary Clinton is the candidate who most deserves my fellow citizens' support in her bid for office, and why I have donned this pantsuit in her honor."

Amid annoyed mutterings from the standing-room-only crowd - some of whom elbowed their way to the exit demanding a refund of their cover charge - Konservo then delivered a long and rambling speech in which he praised the Senator's positions on health care reform, checks and balances in government, and student loan assistance. He advanced his own additional recommendations for school lunch menus offering roasted garlic and beets as the preferred vegetarian choice, for the compulsory observance on the Federal calendar of all Hallmark holidays - including Sweetest Day, on which citizens would be expected to make a pilgrimage to Hershey, PA - and for old women to wear at least one purple article of clothing at all times.

He concluded the evening's act with a rendition of "God Bless America" which would have brought literal tears to Kate Smith's eyes, and distributed to the audience autographed sheets of freshly-printed "Progresso Konservo" paper dolls, which he says he designed in tribute to his new favorite in the 2008 race. (Sharp eyes will spot that he has added his trademark accessory, the toilet brush, to the Clintonesque accessories. The graphic accompanying this article can be downloaded to provide a somewhat less limited-edition version of the paper doll.)

The Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign - in both its political and crusading aspects - was swift to condemn Konservo's statements while expressing hope for their former colleague to return to his previously-established views.

Near the Ohio border, Candidate RALPH jumped up and down on the roof of the van, its slapdash paint job already flaking to reveal U-Haul orange beneath, as Campaign Blat and Über Troll stood by, doing their best to stabilize the dangerously-swaying vehicle. "PIAPS!!!!" screamed RALPH. "PIAPS!!!! SHE HAS LURED MY MOST LOYAL ADHERENT INTO HER WEB OF LIES!!!!! SHE WANTS TO BUILD A SOCIALIST, ANTI-FAMILY POLITICAL MOVEMENT THAT ENCOURAGES WOMEN TO LEAVE THEIR HUSBANDS, KILL THEIR CHILDREN, PRACTICE WITCHCRAFT, DESTROY CAPITALISM, AND BECOME LESBIANS AND CROSS-DRESSERS IN LOUSY CANADIAN GAY NIGHTCLUBS WHERE THEY BUMP DOUGHNUTS AND SLURP WARM BRIE ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!!!!"

At this point RALPH actually did fall off the van, narrowly avoiding impalement on one of Über Troll's horns. Campaign Blat distributed a written statement saying that they hoped Konservo would seek privately-insured medical treatment at once and urging him to come back from Canada, where the flavorful beer and socially-conscious political movements seemed to have addled his brain cell. (Subsequent verification with the campaign confirmed the closing, singular noun was intentional and not a typo.)

The reaction from the RALPHTURE pilgrimage in Iowa was, as expected, far more vitriolic. After speaking in tongues for nearly half an hour - in what awed onlookers described as sounding like a recording of an Ann Coulter speech played backwards, including phrases such as "I swallowed Adam's Apple - now that's creationism for you!" and "William Kristol is so hot!" - Prophet Lephari denounced Konservo in harsh terms, declaring that unless he repents and embraces the RALPHTURE, he will be cast "INTO THE LAKE OF FIERY TABASCO FROM WHICH THERE IS NO COOLING RETURN TO DELICIOUS, JIGGLY JELL-O!!" At that point he fed the masses from a seemingly bottomless bucket of artificially-flavored lime Jell-0 in which slices of ripe banana - which he denied had originated in Cuba - were suspended.

As Konservo had no reply to either campaign's denunciation, his many Canadian fans are eagerly flocking to the Market on this holiday weekend, hoping for a return to his former routine.


Sergei Andropov said...

Another clone, perhaps?

et said...

My bet is on a chemical imbalance...

Mr. President said...

RALPH fell off the van?

He might have to see a doctor, Dr. Dog that is.

wee nelson said...

(sigh) If Progresso Konservo doesn't return to his can-can routine, I'm afraid his Canadian career is over already. I don't think there's a market in the Market for Hillary Clinton impersonators.

Now if he went to the Red States they'd probably think he was satire and pelt him with ketchup.

et said...

"pelt him with ketchup"

Heinz, no doubt! (smirk)

Kim, PbD said...

oh God this is funny!

piaps said...

No,no,no !

It's part of my homosexual/gay/lesbian agenda!

See? It really is "catching"