Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Lephari, Savior of the World

(the Lephariad continues....)

"HEY, LET ME OUT, YOU ASSWIPE!!" yells Lephari.
He hammers on the ribcage of the beast
Who’s swallowed him. "I told you, let me out!
I am a Raptured minion of the Lord;
My clone’s the USA’s next President!"
"Don’t hammer me like that!" the monster says.
"It makes me queasy. Don’t you worry now.
I’m not about to eat you - not just yet.
I had to separate you from your friends
For I have something vital to impart."
"I KNOW IT! PIAPS SENT YOU!!" screams Lephari.
"YOU’LL NEVER HAND ME OVER TO HER!! No,
I’ll be no doughnut for her bumping, nor
Will I consent to be a sacrifice
Upon the altar of her filthy lusts!"
"What, you? A toy for anybody’s lusts?
Don’t make me laugh." The monster scoffs. "No, I
Have a far different task in hand for you.
Stop thumping in my stomach; I’ve a tale
To tell that calls for all of your attention.

"When the Great Flood abated, and when Noah
Set foot upon dry land again, the Lord
Sent him a rainbow, then said this to him -
This isn’t in the Bible, but it’s true -
Another gift I give you. In a vault
In a location I shall not disclose,
Lies that which, rightly used, will save the world
From perils dire. Since I’m a nasty God,
And like to make men work for their reward,
I won’t reveal its whereabouts exactly,
But I shall give you this enormous key
Of gold, with jewels and scrollwork all bedecked,
And I’ll give you as well this list of clues
(All cryptic, else the task would be no challenge).
And since I am a very nasty God
I won’t inform you what is in the vault,
Except that many centuries from hence
it may save mankind from calamity.
And Noah took the key and list; for centuries
He and his offspring kept them safe from harm,
Until, one fateful day, their caravan
Was robbed by brigands, who took list and key
and disappeared with them to who knows where.
But if you find them, then ‘tis you who may
Redeem us from calamity foretold."
"THE REIGN OF PIAPS!! THAT’S WHAT GOD FORETOLD!!
THE SIGN THAT ARMAGEDDON IS AT HAND!!!
AND I CAN SAVE THE WORLD FROM THIS? HOT DOG!!!
WHEN DO I START??"

"I knew you’d take the job -
And just as well, since if you had refused
My orders were to start digesting you.
Now brace yourself - get ready for a ride."
Lephari kneels inside the monster’s stomach,
And starts to say his prayers. Just as he folds
His hands before him, comes a mighty belch,
A wind most vile, which picks Lephari up,
And hurls him through Leviathan’s insides,
Through his esophagus and up his throat,
And bounces him off giant yellow teeth,
Into fresh air again..
...to be continued

4 comments:

Crement Boffo said...

Wowser ! I wasn't sure until the very end which end of the alimentary canal the fell beast would discharge Lephari from! Either end works for me. I can't wait to see where he turns up next !

Sergei Andropov said...

W00T for Lephari!

et said...

Ah, Lephari - beware yellow-toothed beasts of the waters who entice you with golden, jewel-encrusted keys and cryptic promises...

Another gem from our Laureate!

Mr. President said...

Rapture me caravan, take me away.
Take me to Heaven, PIAPS won't find me today.
Demlibs and Progtards = terrorists = gays.
Rapture me over again and again.

Take me, Rapture caravan
Yes, I know you can

Trade winds find Noah lost in the sea.
I know where treasure is, I have the key.
Locked in the vault until PIAPS comes for me.
Rapture me before the calamity.

Take me, Rapture caravan
Yes, I know you can.

Take me to Heaven's gates, PIAPS won't find me today.