Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Legend of California Blat: Disorder in the Court

"MOMENT MEN’S DAY IN COURT" read the front page headline on yesterday’s Arizona Daily Sun. People were lining up outside the Coconino County Courthouse all the evening before. When the police van arrived, bearing Hiram, Cletus and Jesse Earl (Eustace is still in traction in the hospital) to answer to charges of first-degree murder for the unfortunate demise of California Blat, the crowd broke into boos and hisses and cries of "Burn in hell!"

When Judge Brenda Garcia asked how they pleaded, court-appointed defense attorney Milton Ravioli replied "Not guilty by reason of insanity," which got the crowd going again. Eventually the judge was able to get them calmed down and the District Attorney was able to lay out the case, which you had to admit was a very strong one. All that Hiram, speaking for the defendants, had to say in his defense was, "Yes, we was followin’ him, Yer Honor, but we didn’t kill him. He done turned into a vulture and flew off."

"Never mind that vulture idiocy," said the judge sternly. "Why were you following California Blat?"

The Moment Men did not answer. Jesse Earl opened his mouth but at a look from Hiram he lapsed into silence again.

"Answer me! Why were you following California Blat?"

"BECAUSE RALPH SENT THEM!" came a cry from the back of the courtroom. The crowd rose and turned - and broke into one collective gasp.

California Blat himself stood in the doorway, barefoot and unshaven, covered with a layer of dust, clad in a pair of ragged jeans, a torn tank top and a battered San Diego Padres baseball hat, but with his National Guitar still slung across his back. He now swung the guitar around, struck a chord and began to sing:

I’m alive and breathin’
So set these loonies free.
Old RALPH is on my trail
But he will never capture me
‘Cause I’m a mighty hero
(A mighty hero)
And he’s a big fat zero
Yes he is.

"You mean you’re not dead?" asked Judge Garcia rather stupidly.

"It takes more than a fall into the Grand Canyon and a week in the desert to kill California Blat," the returned hero replied. "The cloning has given me powers you can only begin to imagine. Look at this!" He took off his baseball cap and shook it, and to the amazement of the audience, coins and bills spilled out onto the floor. He picked them up, stuffed them into his pocket, and threw the cap carelessly at Hiram. "Here, take it - It’ll help pay Eustace’s hospital bills."

"It’s a miracle!" cried Jesse Earl.

"Nope," replied California Blat loftily. "It’s all in a day’s work for the Redneck Hippie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m returning to the desert to seek the truth." And he walked out of the courtroom shouting, "MOMENT-MEN-LOVE! VULTURE-LOVE! DESERT-LOVE! CAMPAIGN-BLAT-LOVE! ALBERTO-GONZALES-LOVE!"

The Moment-Men are still sleeping off last night’s celebration, during which the baseball cap was emptied four times. Cletus did appear at around noon, looking very bleary-eyed, to make a statement to reporters. "After what done happened yesterday," he said, "we’re callin’ off the chase. How can you go harmin’ the man who saved your life? Jesse Earl thinks he’s Jesus Christ, and I’m beginnin’ to think he might be right. So I’m gonna call RALPH and tell him to find some other folks to do his dirty work. Dagnabbit, what happened to my cell phone? It won’t switch on. What do you mean, you gotta charge the battery? No, I ain’t got no battery charger. Mighta thrown it out. I threw out a lot of wires and things that came in that package. Well, whadaya know. Sumbitch."

12 comments:

Crement Boffo said...

ChiCom Lead Paint influencing Moment Men ?
Licking Dorito crumbs from truck bed,a popular pasttime among the Insipid Travellers cited !

ralph said...

CALIFORNIA BLAT IS A TRAITOR AND A CLOSET SUPPORTER OF PIAPS!!!!

I WILL FOLLOW HIM TO HIS DESERT LAIR AND GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO MEDITATE ON!!!!!!!!

HE HAS BEEN EXPOSED!!!!!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

et said...

Heh! "Milton Ravioli." Excellent as always, IRave!

Mr. President said...

Who the hell is (California?) Blat?

RalphyFan said...

Who is California Blat?

Seriously?

If you're not going to follow the plot a little better than that, I'm afraid we can't help you, Konpervo.

Read the campaign archives.

M.R.F said...

It's possible the moment men could use the magical/holy Padres hat to finance a presidential campaign for California Blat on the Love Party ticket. Would he/could he run against Ralph and Campaign Blat?

Ed Bagley Jr. would make a good running mate.

Mr. President said...

Blat sucks, I never want to see another "Blat" post again.

You got that ralphyfan?

Blat's about as relevant as Al Gore (and when I say relevant, I mean relevant to we American's whose votes count, not the far-left fringe, the votes of which are, rightly, thrown out on site).

RalphyFan said...

Blat sucks, I never want to see another "Blat" post again.

You got that ralphyfan?


Fine, buddy. All you need do to guarantee that happens is to stay away from this site. But you can't do that, can you? Because you can't survive without knowing what fresh ridicule we're flinging your way.

Blat's about as relevant as Al Gore

WOW - you're giving him WAY more cred than he deserves! You must be a real Blat Fan!

(and when I say relevant, I mean relevant to we American's whose votes count, not the far-left fringe, the votes of which are, rightly, thrown out on site).

OK...it's "us" (objective case, in this case of the preposition "to") not "we" (subjective case); it's "Americans," (plural) not "American's" (possessive); and it's "sight," (as in viewing) not "site" (as in location).

Assuming that it is OK with you to "throw out votes on sight," which is pretty much antithetical to every democratic principle acknowledged as American Constitutional Doctrine.

Why do you hate American Democracy, Konpervo?

California Blat said...

So - who's the flabby little wienie who says I suck and he doesn't want to hear any more from me again?

I wear myself out saving the world and this is all the thanks I get?? Insults from a cross-dresser who wears out table-tops in some crappy little Canadian boondock?

But I forgive you because I LOVE you. I LOVE THE WORLD!!!

ralph said...

CALIFORNIA BLAT, YOUR "LOVE" POSTS ONLY PROVE THAT YOU ARE AN AGENT OF PIAPS AND NOT TO BE TRUSTED!!!!

I WILL FIND YOU WHEREVER YOU LURK IN THE DESERT AND SORT YOU OUT, YOU DOUGHNUT-LOVING, GUITAR-PLAYING, KUM-BA-YA-YODELING, SELLOUT-CLOSET-DEMLIB PUNK!!!!!!

YOU WILL NEED ALL YOUR VITAMINS BY THE TIME I FINISH WITH YOU!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!

AS FOR YOU, KONSERVO, YOU ARE EVEN MORE A TRAITOR TO THE CAUSE WITH YOUR PIAPS-WORSHIPPING, TOILET-BRUSH-WAVING, FREAKSHOW-DISPLAYING, WEEVILS-IN-YOUR-BEARD-HAVING, UP-TO-FOREIGN-CANADIANS-SUCKING, GAY-BAR-HANGING-OUT-IN PAINTED-FACED PERVERSIONS!!!!!!

YOU HAD JUST BETTER HOPE THAT I CAN PRAY THE DEMLIB TAINT OUT OF YOU BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE, YOU LILY-LIVERED PHONY!!!!

YOU SUPPOSED CAMPAIGN FAITHFUL CRACK ME UP!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. President said...

Fine.

It's obvious that you all HATE AMERICA!!!!!

SEE YA IN HELL, SUCKERS!!!!

FOR I'LL BE PISSING ON YOU FROM HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!

RalphyFan said...

Konpervo, honey, you failed to answer my question.

Why do you hate American Democracy, Konpervo?

You say you want to throw away all the votes you presumably don't agree with.

Why do you diss the Founding Fathers and the principles on which they founded America?

Why do you feel some votes are "more equal" than others?

Who died and made you the God Of All Votes?

You're a pathetic neocon tool, Konpervo. But you knew that, yes?

Whatever will you do in late January 2009 when your heroes are tossed out to the curb...?

Also...just sayin'...if there is an all-powerful Judeo-Christian God keeping score, I sincerely doubt he's going to condone his redeemed faithful pissing off the fluffy-clouds-in-the-sky onto the damned hordes below.

So I strongly advise you belay your neocon pissing fantasy if you want to get on the good side of the man upstairs.