Rumors are swirling that, in order to remain competitive with the likes of late campaign entrant Fred Thompson, RALPH is seeking a trophy wife of his own. His apparent target? None other than Miss South Carolina Teen USA, Caitlin Upton, whose recent geography-challenged answer to a pageant question has become water-cooler and blog forum chatter nationwide.
Anonymous sources within the campaign say that RALPH made his first approach to the teen beauty queen privately and delicately, by sending her a map outlining his path to her side, bearing "binoculars and hedge clippers," presumably so that he could trim her privet hedge and give her a better view of the roads and streets beyond so that she could find her way from the front door to the curb unaided.
Asked at a campaign stop at a Stuckey's along Interstate 77 what his intentions were toward Ms. Upton, RALPH responded: "THIS CAMPAIGN NEEDS A WOMAN'S TOUCH!!!! WE NEED SOMEBODY WHO'S NOT AFRAID TO PUT PLASTIC ON THE LAMPSHADES AND MAKE SURE WE BATHE OCCASIONALLY!!!! WE NEED A REAL U.S. AMERICAN WHO RECOGNIZES THAT NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND, LIKE, SUCH AS IRAQ ON A MAP IS PART OF WHAT MAKES THIS THE GREATEST COUNTRY EVER!!!! FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN SO THEY WON'T HAVE TO LIVE UNDER THE DEPRADATIONS OF PIAPS!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! SO TRUE!!!! SO TRUE!!!!"
In the background, Campaign Blat and Über Troll - busily repainting the campaign van with all the things RALPH was willing to HATE on Upton's behalf - seemed resigned to this turn of events. Blat shrugged expansively and continued his lettering, while Über Troll said only, "Damned if I know where this came from. I've only ever heard him talk this way about Bea Arthur. Oh, and Henry Kissinger."
Prophet Lephari, predictably, came out forcibly against the situation, insisting that this behavior put his alter ego in peril of missing the RALPHTURE and being led astray into DOUGHNUT-BUMPING and perhaps even FRITTER-SMASHING and CRULLER-BOUNCING. Konservo was said to be negotiating a long-term cabaret contract in Ottawa and could not be reached for direct comment, although some outlets are reporting that he has volunteered to perform gratis at the wedding should Upton accept RALPH's overtures.