Monday, September 3, 2007

The Legend of California Blat, Part II - Eat Your Heart Out, Evel Knievel!

California Blat is a messenger of love.
He’s totally out of his mind.
He rides the desert in his pickup truck,
And the Moment Men are just a mile behind (oh yeah)
The Moment Men are just a mile behind.*

For the first time since California Blat started on his wild Love Ride through the desert, he's had a serious brush with RALPH’s Moment Men.

Tracking Blat to Las Vegas wasn’t too difficult, even for the Moment Men. But when they got there, they hesitated. As Moment Man Hiram T. Peashucker explained to this reporter, "We had to get ahold of RALPH, ‘cause we didn’t know what he wanted us to do with him. Just blow him away right then and there or bring him back? And we didn’t know where RALPH was so how could we git ahold of him?"

"But then when we got to Vegas," continued Darrell "Potato-Head" Oilslick, "the Lord gave us a inspire-ation. He told Hiram here in a dream, that all we need do was go into a store and git ourselves one of them there cell phones, and then we could just call RALPH ourselves."

It wasn’t quite that easy. It took a few days before the Moment Men figured out how to use their new cell phone. And after that they forgot RALPH’s phone number and rummaged through their gear for a whole day before they found it. Unfortunately, RALPH wasn’t able to provide them much guidance; he was reading articles about Konservo in Canada’s alternative press, and all he could say was, "THE RAPTURE IS AT HAND!!! THIS PROVES IT!! PIAPS IS PERVERTING MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS, AND NEXT SHE WILL BECOME PRESIDENT JUST AS I HAVE DESCRIBED IT IN MY BOOK!! AND THAT WILL SIGNAL THE END OF DAYS!! RAPTURE!!! RAPTURE!!! RAPTURE!!!" Then he hung up to send off more tracts to Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity, so that they would be converted in time for Armageddon.

In the end the Moment Men had to use their own limited initiative. Learning from a call girl that Blat was about to leave town and head for the Grand Canyon "to meditate on the infinite" they roadblocked Boulder Highway with their pickup trucks and stood there ready, shotguns in hand.

But when Blat came roaring up in his red, white and blue GMC Sierra they had the surprise of their lives. As the balladeer tells it:

California Blat put the pedal to the floor
And the truck rose up into the air.
It flew right over the Moment Men’s heads,
And all that they could do was stand and stare (poor boys)
All that they could do was stand and stare.

When they finally recovered their senses, the BlatMobile was nowhere to be seen. But Potato-Head thought he heard a voice from the distance shouting, "MOMENT-MEN-LOVE! REDNECK-AMBUSH-LOVE! SAWED-OFF-SHOTGUNS-LOVE!!"

They might have taken off after him - at least Clete Knothole urged them to do so - but at that moment a car full of drunken young men drove by and, seeing Clete’s beard, called out, "Holy shit! It’s ZZ Top!" The ensuing mob scene prevented them from immediate pursuit - and by the time they had autographed all the CDs, California Blat was long gone. The Moment Men decided to drown their disappointment at the bars and blackjack tables, so who knows how long it’ll be before they take up the pursuit again?
* Those who know the American outlaw ballad "John Hardy" can sing along.


vermontdave said...

That is too freaking hilarious.

The Moment-men is one creative group.

Go, California Blat, go!

Kim, PbD said...

Welcome the the Blat in California
Such an unfortunate place
Such an unfortunate face

We're plenty freaked out by the Blat of California

Any time of year

He's going crazy here!

Mirrors on the ceiling
Bartles & James on ice
He says "You are my prisoner here
by this big ass scarry BMD device"
And in RALPHIE'S chamber
they gather for the feast-
it's hard to catch the small furry things-
Is the plural for mice "meece?"

TB said... have that monster truck jumping in the background. It's got me wondering - when will Ralph jump the shark?