Ralph Urges Norwegian Boycott in Stump Appearances

Following an extended campaign slump, news of the Nobel Peace Prize award to joint recipients Al Gore and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change appears to have reignited RALPH's campaign fervor, sending the candidate on a rapid-fire pilgrimage to Sons of Norway lodges throughout the Upper Midwest states. At these stops he issued variations on the following address:

"THE NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE IS IN NORWAY! THIS MEANS IT'S COMPOSED PRETTY MUCH OF NORWEGIANS!! NEVER MIND THAT THEIR COUNTRY IS AT THE TOP OF THE UNITED NATIONS RANKINGS IN THE HUMAN DEVELOPMENT INDEX - EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT U.S.A. IS NUMBER ONE!!!! AND THE NOBEL COMMITTEE HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE THAT PREEMINENCE AND TO SPIT IN THE FACE OF AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH BY AWARDING THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE TO AL GORE, WHO ISN'T EVEN AN AMERICAN!!!!"



When an audience member at one stop interrupted to remind the candidate that Gore was in fact a United States Senator, a two-term Vice President and a Presidential candidate himself, as well as undeniably American, RALPH responded: "THAT'S VILE, SAPPHIC LIBTARDED PROPAGANDA! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT "GORE" IS WHAT HAPPENS DURING BULLFIGHTS, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!! SO GORE IS CLEARLY SPANISH!! OR MAYBE MEXICAN!! EITHER WAY, I DON'T WANT HIS SOCIALISTIC, PIAPS-LOVING HANDS PICKING MY LETTUCE!!!!!!!" He then dispatched Campaign Blat and Über Troll into the crowd to subdue and remove the questioner, which they accomplished using large bratwursts as clubs. The Sonny Brothers remained on the sidelines, eating corn on the cob.

RALPH then called for an immediate boycott of all things Norwegian. "ALL MY CAMPAIGN SUPPORTERS MUST IMMEDIATELY STOP LISTENING TO 'PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION'...ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT YOU WERE, WHICH I DOUBT...AND MUST ALSO EAT NO HERRING, LUTEFISK OR MEATBALLS!! GIVE YOUR JARLSBERG TO CHEESE-EATING, DOUGHNUT-BUMPING SURRENDER MONKEYS WHO WILL LAP IT RIGHT UP!!! TURN IN YOUR F(J)ORDS AND START DRIVING SOMETHING AMERICAN, LIKE CHEVROLETS!!!!! (ONLY PRONOUNCE IT SHEV-RO-LETT: YOU DON'T WANT TO SOUND FRENCH.) DON'T GO ON CRUISES!! STAY AWAY FROM GRIEG AND MUNCH AND IBSEN, AND DON'T ALLOW THE DEMONIC DRINK AKVAVIT TO TOUCH YOUR LIPS!!!! DON'T LET YOUR CHILDREN BE VIKINGS FOR HALLOWEEN - SEND THEM OUT TO PROSELYTIZE WITH RAPTURE-READY TRACTS INSTEAD!!!! EVEN OKTOBERFEST IS SUSPECT - TOO CLOSE TO SCANDINAVIA!!!!"

Arriving for his final campaign stop at the Sons of Norway Nordmarka Lodge in Northfield, Minnesota, RALPH there unveiled the campaign video which is displayed earlier in this entry.

Skeptical members were not convinced. Lodge co-President Gerhard Knutson commented that, "This RALPH character seems delusional to me. His running mate was a little more sane, but, then, he's from Minnesota, so that's understandable. Couldn't understand why he kept trying to sell me vitamin tonic, though. And he wouldn't even try the fantastic coffee cake the ladies' auxiliary prepared. That just seemed rude." Knutson's shared office-holder Jon Rondestvedt was even more blunt in his assessment. "The guy's a complete looney," he observed. "Telling US not to observe our proud Norwegian heritage? Honestly, you'd think he was some kind of tragically uneducated right-wing blowhard whose blog was read only by people making fun of him. But I'm sure that's not possible even for this clown...I mean, you can't be THAT dumb and still wind up running for President, can you?"

RALPH did not remain on premises to take questions from the Sons of Norway, but instead boarded the campaign van hastily. At last sighting the campaign team was headed vaguely westward, fueling speculation that RALPH finally plans a confrontation with California Blat, last reported as undertaking a self-imposed vision-quest in the Petrified Forest National Park.