Lephari on the High Seas

Ejected by Leviathan, cast loose
Upon a mission to locate the key
To save earth from Calamity Foretold,
Lephari floats upon a balmy sea
Beneath a white and burning tropic sun.
He’s clinging to a balsam log. All round
Lies water, sapphire blue. On the horizon
He sees a white and palm-encircled beach,
But else there’s naught but water, sapphire blue.
Where are the clues the beast had promised him?
"Oh Lord please send me guidance!" prays Lephari.
But - horrors! - the Lord sends him sharks instead,
A dozen fins slow-circling in the waves.
He paddles hard; the fins come following,
A dozen fins, a thousand hungry teeth.
"VILE LEPROUS LIBTARDS!" bold Lephari cries.
"I KNOW ‘TIS PIAPS SENT YOU! FOR SHE KNOWS
THAT IT’S MY TASK TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM HER!
YOU ARE EXPOSED!!! BUT I AM ON A QUEST,
AND WON’T FORSWEAR IT JUST TO BE YOUR DINNER!"
Something bumps against his legs. He shrieks.

But lo! His prayer is answered, for behold!
Here comes a motorboat at roaring speed!
The predatory fins all disappear.
Strong hands pull our Lephari up on board.
His rescuers are two fellows and a girl,
All rakish-looking, wearing red bandanas.
The lady holds a flask up to his lips.
Raw rum burns down his throat. He screams aloud.
"YOU TOADS! YOU MADE STRONG LIQUOR TOUCH MY LIPS!
I AM DIMINISHED FOR MY NOBLE TASK!"
"What? You don’t like our hospitality?"
A man inquires, with English accent strong.
"Perhaps you’d rather go back overboard
And feed the sharks?" "Oh, no," Lephari says.
"That would be suicide, a horrid sin
All the more horrid since I’m on a quest,
A sacred mission from the Lord Himself
To save the world from dread calamity,
The reign of PIAPS and the end of days -
There's no calamity more dread than that."

"Well, pleased to meet you," says the Englishman.
"We are the Newshounds of the Caribbean.
Here’s San-Fran Sergie, this is Pinchy Kim.
I’m Undisputed King of Lost Doubloons,
UKLD for short. Much feared our band,
Especially by the Rabid Rapture Right.
Off yonder island lies our jolly ship,
The Snakeskin Bentley. Come and join our band!
We’ll sail upon the warm and sunny seas,
And sleep on pearly beaches. Every night
We’ll have a jolly party on the beach
And laugh and sing and trash the Rabid Right."

"O WOE IS ME!" our poor Lephari cries.
I am a prisoner of the Jihad Left!
O LORD PRESERVE ME! Have I e’en escaped
From foul Leviathan’s appalling maw
And from the hungry teeth of hunting sharks,
To fall to PIAPS’ pirates and be doomed
To tortures vile and horrid cruelty?"
"I fear you are so doomed," says Kim. "We’ll start
The tortures now." The three link arms and sing

Fifteen men on O’Reilly’s case
(Cosmoritas and a yo-ho-ho!)
We’ll put that turkey back in his place.
(Drinks all around and don’t be slow!)

Lephari stops his ears, to no avail.
The laughter echoes off the island, and
‘Tis answered from a crowd upon the shore.
Alas for poor Lephari! Is he doomed
To fun forevermore?

To be continued.