A Big Night in Bedlam

Below is a transcript of the "special service" held last night at the Screaming Glory Tabernacle in Bedlam Junction, Pennsylvnia.

REV. THOMAS P. ZACHARIAS: And now for our feature presentation...

Entire tabernacle is suddenly plunged in darkness.

VOICE OF REV. TOM (from the rafters) “Behold, the Lord has sent a messenger among us. Even as He sent Jonah to warn Nineveh, so has he sent RALPH to warn America, and I have promised to help him spread his message during this election season. Tonight, we are pleased to present a dramatization of his prophetic work, The Morning After. It is still a work in progress, but once we’ve perfected it – as far as we can, given that we are but following in RALPH’s footsteps - then look, listen, and tremble!

Sinister music. Smoke and a smell of sulphur. Lights come up. Enter PIAPS (played by Mrs. Esther Zacharias), wearing a polyester pantsuit, with the number 666 written on her forehead.

PIAPS: Ah, what a wonderful day! My first day as President of the United States. I have just left the Lincoln Bedroom, where I spent last night writhing in ecstasy with Rosie O’Donnell and Janet Reno. Now I must get down to the business of establishing my dark master's Reign on Earth (chuckles evilly). Let me call my assistant. Taryn, come here!

Enter TARYN (played by Miss Zipporah Zacharias), tattooed and shaven-headed, wearing only Speedos and Doc Martens.

TARYN: Yes, Ms. President?
PIAPS: What is on my agenda today?
TARYN: First, you have a meeting with Osama bin Laden to sign a peace treaty. Then you have a strategy planning session for world domination with Pope Benedict, and after that lunch with Gerry Adams and King Harald of Norway. Then we have some bills for you to sign – the ones abolishing the Constitution and closing all the churches. We’ve cleared the rest of the afternoon for your interrogation session of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity.
PIAPS: Wonderful! I can’t wait to hear their screams! It just gets me right here! (Rubs her hands across her pelvic area with sighs of ecstasy.)

Thunderous sound of hooves. Wagnerian music. Enter the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse [played by Reverend Tom’s sons Micah, Ezekiel, Jedediah and Habakkuk]. They ride howling across the stage.*

TARYN: I know, Ms. President. That's why I’ve booked the Womyn’s Sweat Lodge for after the interrogation.
PIAPS: Oh, that'll be just what I need. (Gasps ecstatically.) And will you join me there, my sweet? (caressing Taryn’s earlobe).
TARYN: Oh, Ms. President, there’s nothing I would like more! (Leaps up and down with anticipation. A large amount of jiggling. Males in audience show their appreciation)
PIAPS: Nor I; but we can't stay there long. We have a lot of work to do before my task is fulfilled. Isn't it wonderful? This is the beginning of the End of Days! Isn’t it wonderful?

Thunderous hooves, Wagnerian music. The Four Horsemen ride back across the stage. Exit PIAPS and TARYN.

REV. TOM (from the rafters): Listen and fear, fellow Americans. Do you want this scenario to come to pass? (Loud cries of “No!”) Then embrace the Rapture! Heed the words of RALPH! He speaks with the tongue of the Prophet! BEHOLD HIM!!

A burst of flame shoots up from the stage. As it subsides, we see RALPH standing stage center, arms upraised. Deafening cheers.

RALPH: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!! YOU ARE EXPOSED, PIAPS, YOU SKANKY DOUGHNUT-BUMPING BITCH! AND AS FOR YOU, KONSERVO, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE ASSWI -

REV. TOM (hastily interrupting): Over the coming weeks we’ll perfect this dramatization, and we’ll take it across the country, so that all America can see it and tremble at the fate that awaits the Unraptured. We will take it into every primary state! We’ll make sure that all Americans see it and take heed. Don't spend the rest of your lives, and all eternity, with PIAPS! RAPTURE!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!

*An unidentified member of the congregation commented, “Those stick horses with the painted heads sort of spoiled the effect. But the intent was good.”