Sunday, June 24, 2007

Inaugural Speech Has 'em Fainting in the Aisles

Ralph chose a House of God for the first speech of his campaign - specifically, the Wiggle Hill Tabernacle in Wigglesboro, NC. Pastor Silas Applebee introduced him as the "savior of America - the one who will return this country to the decency it lost when Bill Clinton stepped over the threshold of the White House."

Taking his theme from that introduction, Ralph warned the congregation that another Clinton was hoping to step over that threshold in 2008. He painted a dire picture of what would happen if she did. "SATANIC LESBIAN ORGIES!" he thundered. "[censored] AND [censored] AND EVEN [censored censored censored] SPONGES [censored censored] IN THE DISHWASHER [censored censored censored] NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS!!!"

Ralph’s speech was frequently interrupted by screaming and fainting in the congregation. Another interruption occurred when Ralph’s mascot, a vulture he calls Rush, mistook Mrs. Applebee’s pet Chihuahua for Sunday brunch. Mrs. Applebee managed to rescue her dog by beating the vulture off with a hymn book. The much-displeased Rush responded with language brought on more fainting and necessitated the calling of several ambulances.

"Hasn’t been as much excitement here since Pastor Shumbacher brought in the boa constrictor," observed Rev. Applebee’s comment.

We have still not been able to reach Blat for his comments. However, police report that a van similar to his was found abandoned in a ditch near Far Rockaway, New Jersey, with a crumpled McDonald’s bag in the front seat.

1 comment:

et said...

Woo-hoo! Go get 'em, Ralph!

I wonder if his next faith-based speech will involve speaking in tongues. And, if it does...how will we know the difference?