"Issues, Shmissues," Volume One: Ralph's Position on Hyphenated Americanism

In this blog's new ongoing series - "Issues, Shmissues" - we'll examine in turn the positions of the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign on a variety of issues confronting the voting public. Today we look at Multiculturalism in America from our candidate's unique perspective.

RALPH is fond of quoting (as he did recently on his personal blog) the inspiring words of President Theodore Roosevelt: "There is no room in this country for hyphenated Americanism." We asked for his interpretation of this remark.

RRfP: Mr. Candidate...may I call you RALPH?

RALPH: NO!!!! NO!!!! NO!!!! I WISH TO BE ADDRESSED AS PRESIDENT-IN-WAITING!!!!

RRfP: Er, all right. Mr. President-in-Waiting, scholars hold conflicting views on Roosevelt's remark. One view is that it represented a clarion call to national unity; the other, that at the time of this speech - when the U.S. was experiencing wave after wave of European immigration - it subtly and with some contradiction fed pre-existing prejudices against certain ethnic groups. How do you interpret Roosevelt's words?

RALPH: IF YOU'RE FOR PIAPS, YOU'RE AGAINST AMERICA!

[long pause]

RRfP: Uh...Mr. President-in-Waiting...that's all?

RALPH: THIS CAMPAIGN DOESN'T DO NUANCE! NUANCE IS FOR DEMLIBS, GEORGE SOROS, ROSIE O'DONNELL, AND NEWSHOUNDS!!!!

RRfP: Well. Let's move on...

RALPH: MOVE ON IS A TERRORIST ORGANIZATION IN LEAGUE WITH COMMUNISTS BENT ON ONE-WORLD COLLECTIVIST TYRANNY!!!!

RRfP: No, I meant let's move on to another aspect of this issue.

RALPH: YOU FORGOT TO CALL ME PRESIDENT-IN-WAITING! CAN YOU EVEN THINK?

RRfP: [clears throat] Mr. President-in-Waiting, do you feel that Roosevelt's remark holds water today, given a global dynamic in which ethnic and religious tensions remain high, sectarian violence abounds, and issues like immigration sharply divide the nation?

RALPH: NOW IS THE TIME FOR ACTION! WE NEED TO IMPLEMENT THE COULTER PLAN WORLDWIDE TO PREPARE EVERYONE FOR THE COMING RAPTURE! APPLE HATES AMERICA! GEORGE TENET IS A DISLOYAL HATER! SAN-FRAN NAN IS GUILTY OF HIGH TREASON!

RRfP: I see. Do you have any final comments on this issue, Mr. President-in-Waiting?

RALPH: THE FUNDS OF THE DEFEATOCRAT PARTY MUST BE FROZEN AND THEIR CONTRIBUTORS MUST BE ARRESTED! THEY HAVE NO IDEAS!! NO IDEAS!!!! NO IDEAS!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

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Attempts to reach RALPH's running mate, Blat, for further commentary proved futile. False sightings placed him as ambling along the shoulder of the New Jersey Turnpike, looking for dropped change from toll collection points; and at a Der Wienerschnitzel in Hoboken, filling his pockets with relish packets. Campaign staffers are presently scouring the penny slots area at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City in search of reliable leads.