Ralph, ardent defender of America, officially announced his candidacy for President of the United States last night. He made the announcement behind a 40-foot American flag, with a vulture perched beside him on the podium.
His running-mate, Blat, was not present at the press conference; when last seen he was driving a courier van in Schenectady, New York. However, said Ralph, “the future Vice-President is with me in spirit.”
Asked why he was running, Ralph replied, “I WANT TO SAVE AMERICA FROM THE ONE-WORLD PIAPSIAN FEDERATION. I WANT TO PREPARE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FOR THE RAPTURE. I WANT TO BE A FITTING SUCCESSOR TO GEORGE W. BUSH, AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIDENT!!” When pressed for details about his platform, Ralph said that God would take care of that for him. The vulture croaked, “Libfuck.”
When asked about the vulture, Ralph replied, “MY FRIEND RUSH HERE SYMBOLIZES THE FATE THAT AWAITS MY ENEMIES, LIKE THAT JIHADIST CELL OVER AT NEWSHOUNDS, WHO WILL BECOME CARRION AND ROADKILL WHEN I AM PRESIDENT. THEN THE WORLD WILL BE RID OF THEIR HATE. AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-HATE, CHENEY-HATE, FLAG-HATE, TROOPS-HATE, VALUES-HATE, ROBERT-NOVAK-HATE, JERRY-FALWELL-HATE, CONDOLEEZZA-HATE, PATRIOT-ACT-HATE, MCCAIN-HATE, WILLIAM-CRYSTAL-HATE, FREEDOM-AGENDA-HATE, GOP-HATE, FAIR-AND-BALANCED-REPORTING-HATE, FOX-NEWS-HATE, COULTER-HATE, MALKIN-HATE, WORK-ETHIC-HATE, FAITH-HATE, HETEROSEXUAL-MARRIAGE-HATE, O'REILLY-HATE, HANNITY-HATE, TRUTH-HATE, FACTS-HATE, FAMILY-VALUES-HATE, HUMANITY-HATE!!!! HATE!!! HATE!!! HATE!!!”
Ralph’s communications director deemed it wise to end the press conference.
A spokesman for the White House said, “We welcome Ralph’s candidacy. Since the President has taken his advice many times, it makes sense that he should occupy the Oval Office when the President is forced to step down.”