Sunday, June 24, 2007
Scandal Rocks Fledgling Campaign: Ralph's Response
In what this campaign sees as an egregious attempt to discredit the Ralph/Blat ticket, anonymous DEMLIB opponents have leaked to the UNFAIR AND UNBALANCED mainstream media a scurrilous photograph linking Vice Presidential hopeful Blat with AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT'S-WIFE Laura Bush in what can only be described as embarrassing circumstances.
Spokespeople for all the front-running Democratic candidates denied any knowledge of the photo's origins and scoffed at the notion that their staff would be wasting time on a smear campaign rather than discussing the serious issues of the day. A Gravel staffer who declined to be identified was the sole exception, observing that they "make a charming couple."
Reactions from the Republican field were mixed. Gilmore, Huckabee, Hunter and Thompson (Tommy) all were swift to declare their willingness to similarly pose with either the First Lady or with Blat, if only it would mean that the public would notice them. Tancredo and Brownback both wavered for the first time on their stance with regard to evolution, Brownback going so far as to state that the photo demonstrated anything but "intelligent design." Giuliani decried the photographer and leaker as on a par with the 9/11 terrorists; McCain hummed a few bars of "Surf City"; Romney squared his strong jaw, smoothed his hair where it is graying distinguishedly at the temples, splashed on a little extra Aqua Velva, and stated that he had no comment; Ron Paul offered reporters a DVD of his recent appearance on The Colbert Report; and Thompson (Fred) indicated that his people would contact this blog and "do lunch."
The most vociferous reaction, however, was from RALPH himself, who released the following statement within moments of the leaked photo's publication:
"THIS IS THE FIRST SALVO IN THE SECULAR ISLAMOFASCIST AGENDA TO ESTABLISH THE ONE-WORLD PIAPSIAN FEDERATION AND DESTROY OUR FAIR-AND-BALANCED CAMPAIGN! WE CALL UPON THESE TERRORIST-CODDLING, AMERICA-HATING EXPONENTS OF RED GODLESS ATHEISTIC MARXIST SOCIALISTIC PRINCIPLES TO EMBRACE THE RAPTURE AND RENOUNCE THIS FILTHY SLANDER DRIVEN BY HATE!!!! HATE!!!! HATE!!!!"
Although RALPH took no questions, as he left the podium he could be heard by the audience to loudly mutter, "THEY CAN'T EVEN THINK!!!!"
Blat could not be reached for comment; however, GPS tracking placed his van as approaching Poughkeepsie, and a sighting was reported at a McDonald's™ drive-thru, where he super-sized an Extra Value Meal™ featuring a Double Quarter-Pounder™ with Cheese.