Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign Earns Key Pundit Endorsement

The Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign headquarters announced this evening that their ticket has obtained a vital endorsement. Fair-and-Balanced, Trusted Journalist Bill O'Reilly has issued a statement offering his full and unlimited support for the campaign.

RALPH and O'Reilly first met one another several years ago at a black-tie fundraiser (left) for Ann Coulter's Gender Reassignment Fund. The pair immediately found common ground in their shared views on the Middle East, gay marriage, immigration, and their favorite costumed Fruit-of-the-Loom guy. (In true Red State fashion, their declared preference is for the Apple.) (And the Grapes, in their opinion, must be as gay as a Teletubby.)

"In the Ralph/Blat ticket, this great nation finally has the perfect candidates to counter these far left smear sites that don't care about regular Americans," opined O'Reilly. "Now, I know the pinheads and stoned slackers out there won't get it, but frankly if they don't like it, they should either leave this country or just shut up."

In response to the O'Reilly endorsement, RALPH stated: "THE HATERS ON THE ISLAMOFASCIST LEFT HATE FAIR-AND-BALANCED JOURNALISM AND BILL O'REILLY. JUST LIKE THEY HATE MY CANDIDACY TO SUCCEED AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIDENT!! THAT'S BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEAS AND CAN'T EVEN THINK!!!! R-O-T-F-L-M-A-O!!!!"

RALPH's handlers swiftly called an end to the news conference, distributing to reporters an announcement that RALPH is expected to be a guest on a coming episode of The O'Reilly Factor, where he will be released from his customary strait jacket so that his body language can be analyzed on-air.

Running mate Blat could not be reached for commentary. Police blotter reports from Baltimore suggest that he may be a "person of interest" in a case involving an apparent carjacking of the Oscar Meyer "Wienermobile," as eyewitnesses say that the carjacker, as he shoved the driver out the bun side of the vehicle, declared "Life is a cabaret, old chum!" before speeding away. Residents near major highway corridors along the Eastern Seaboard are encouraged to remain alert should this subtle and unremarkable vehicle appear in their neighborhoods. Those with cell phones can text "BLAT" to RRforPres to indicate a sighting.

5 comments:

Count Istvan said...

How did you ever get the suit on him?

Kim said...

I'm making a request for a Donkey interview...I was wondering if RALPH would be available at some point in the near future.

Donkey has a dedicated fanbase of at about 5 people, so this might be an important way for the candidate to get out his message to a larger audience.

Thanks in advance!

Ralph's Press Corps said...

RALPH conducts all his interviews in the form of a computer-generated finger-puppet. A facsimile will be posted on this site later today for press download and printing. When cut out on the dotted lines and assembled, the finger-puppet becomes animated with the SPIRIT OF RALPH and is ready to be interviewed.

In the Green Room prior to interview, the RALPH finger-puppet requests a small fruit basket; a large tub of library paste with a soup spoon; and a clean pair of Crotchless Pantaloons, size L, spatula optional.

wee nelson said...

OK to let the vulture into the press room?

ralph's press corps said...

It is assumed that the vulture "Rush" is a key component of the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign; and, as such, is welcome in the press room and in all campaign venues.

A selection of small rabbits will be provided for "Rush" as part of the green room snack selection, when it is indicated that the vulture will be participating.