Texas Hold 'em, Big Blue Cars, and other News Updates

Kate Stone has no sympathy. Only a day after fire tragically destroyed the Troll Party national headquarters, her syndicated No Stone Unturned column contained a blatant attempt to smear their reputations.

She’s managed to locate the owner of the blue 1973 Ford LTD which Blat allegedly drove to Nashville. He is Damon DeRosa, a shoe salesman from Alexandria VA and a devotee of all things Seventies. He drove the car to the Abbacadabba Club in Falls Church on June 28 (he’s never missed one of their Super Seventies Thursdays) and left the club at 1:30 a.m. to find his car missing. He reported the theft to police at once. The following morning he was visited by "two guys in suits," who didn’t say where they were from, but offered him a rather large incentive not to press charges. What did they look like? If he told Ms. Stone she isn’t saying. "I’m working on that one," she writes.

Not that Mr. DeRosa is too upset. "Whoever took that car is welcome to it. It was a bitch getting it into parking spaces. And it just slurped down gas. I had to fill it every twenty minutes. I bought a brand-new Prius with what those guys gave me. It's not very authentic if you know what I mean, but I can't believe the money I'm saving."

Meanwhile, the candidates spent last night at a College Republican safe house in Sikeston, Missouri. About 9 p.m., neighbours reported hearing furious shouts of rage from the house ("I think one of them said faggot," reports 92-year-old Jessie Ward who lives next door, "but that can’t be, because that house doesn’t have a fireplace") and soon afterward a young man was seen being chased out the front door by a vulture. This young man, who asked not to be identified, later said, "I was trying to tell Ralph how great the College Republicans have been for me because they helped me deal with my doubts about my sexuality. I had no idea he’d react like that."

Blat was not on the premises; he had gone to Cheers Bar & Grill to take in the Rotary Club Texas Hold’em Poker tournament. He was last seen at an after-hours game in a dark corner of the bar, staring gloomily at the other players’ money piles.

Ralph reportedly left Sikeston this morning. It is not known whether Blat was with him, or whether the candidates will resurface for the August 5 Republican debate, as planned. We'll keep you posted.