Sunday, August 5, 2007

Campaign Tests New Themes in Iowa

Elusive running mate Blat, perhaps in an effort to re-ignite flagging campaign excitement following Presidential candidate Ralph's recent cruise-ship incident, spoke this morning at a gathering of the Newshounds Off-Topic Lettuce Pickers' and Blogging Federation in Coralville, Iowa, where he introduced a dramatic shift in the team's campaign rhetoric.

"Our opponents like to call myself and Ralph haters," he stated, hands tucked casually into his blue jeans as he addressed the crowd of 9 people, three dogs and a squirrel making disruptive, chainsaw-like noises. "Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. We are all about the love. In fact, we introduced the concept of love points quite some time ago."

Blat then proceeded to enumerate the campaign's commitment to love in a speech that closely echoed this written statement released to the press:

THE RALPH/BLAT 2008 CAMPAIGN IS COMMITTED TO LOVE!!! FEAR-LOVE, BUSH-LOVE, HATE-LOVE, DIRTY-TRICKS-LOVE, SURVEILLANCE-LOVE, CORPORATION-LOVE, NEOCON-LOVE, MISOGYNY-LOVE, CAPITAL-GAINS-LOVE, GAY-BASHING-LOVE, CHENEY-LOVE, ROVE-LOVE, FOX-"NEWS"-LOVE, DELUSION-LOVE, DEATH-LOVE, EXCESSIVE-NATIONALISM-LOVE, FRAUDULENT-ELECTION-LOVE, GANNON-LOVE, RECORD-DEFICIT-LOVE, SHOE-SHOPPING-LOVE, DISASTER-LOVE, QUAGMIRE-LOVE, PARANOIA-LOVE, FUNDAMENTALISM-LOVE, O'REILLY-LOVE, MALKIN-LOVE, HANNITY-LOVE, CAPITAL-LETTERS-LOVE, COULTER-LOVE, IGNORANCE-LOVE, FLAG-WAVING-LOVE, CREATIONISM-LOVE, SHOOTING-OLD-MEN-IN-THE-FACE-LOVE, TROLL-LOVE, HURRICANE-LOVE, BRIDGE-COLLAPSE-LOVE, KOOL-AID-LOVE, STONEWALLING-LOVE, WAR-LOVE, INCOMPETENCE-LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!! LOVE!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!

Blat took no questions as his nervous escort swept him away in the back of a dirty Ford pickup filled with bales of hay.

Audience reaction was muted. "I wanted to ask him if there was anything at all these candidates love that isn't divisive, destructive or mean-spirited," said one attendee. Another added, "I was hoping that freak Konservo would be here. One of my kids is into the Goth look and wanted me to ask him for makeup tips and an autograph." This second attendee paused and then continued, "Actually, it's probably just as well."

The squirrel on the scene had this to say.

2 comments:

vermontdave said...

People,
I think Blat is on to something here.
A top to bottom shuffling is in order.
I mean, RALPH will still be the top, but Blat is no longer the bottom.
That job is for RALPH's Konservant.

All those in favor, say Arghhh!

Kim, PbD said...

BWAH squirells.

Like little chainsaws, they are...