Friday, August 10, 2007

Is RALPH the World's Greatest Redneck? We'll Have to Wait to Find Out

If RALPH had dreams of being the Spam Eating Champion of the 2007 Texas Redneck Games, those dreams have been rudely dashed. He and his entourage arrived this afternoon at Pool Ranch ATV Park in Athens, Texas ("Home of the Original Hamburger"), all primed to participate in the Games - only to find that they’d taken place last weekend.

Having decided not to rebuild his burnt-down campaign headquarters, he has acquired a new campaign RV, and painted it fire-engine red. On both sides, in white and blue, are the words, RALPH/BLAT 2008!!! LUNATIC CANDIDATES FOR A CRAZY WORLD!!! and STOP PIAPS NOW!!! While RALPH and Konservo were playing tiddlywinks in the living area, Campaign Blat, singing "Proud to be an Okie from Muskogee" at the top of his voice, drove this vehicle into the ATV park at top speed and promptly mired it in a mile-wide lake of garbage-strewn mud left over from the previous weekend.

When asked where the games were, the park maintenance staff exploded with laughter. "I know we get some dumb-ass folks at these games," said one, "but at least most of ‘em get here on the right day. Y’all come back in February - that’s when we’re hostin’ the Texas Redneck Muddy Gras. Hey, watch your language there, mister. Who the hell is PIAPS? How can I be his agent if I don’t know who he is?"

In the end, the park staff helped pull RALPH’s RV out of the mud just to get rid of him, and the entourage proceeded to Henderson County Fair Park, where people were arriving for this weekend’s Northeast Texas Paint Horse Show. There a small audience gathered to hear the candidate document his grievances against Senator Clinton. They listened politely at first, but began to heckle when RALPH described how, while walking innocently down a street in Hartford, Connecticut, he had been grabbed from behind, bound, gagged and thrown into a clothes dryer by her agents. "IF PIAPS HAD HAD HER WAY I WOULD HAVE BEEN SMOTHERED TO DEATH BY A SOGGY T-SHIRT!!" he roared. "BUT I HAVE BEEN SAVED FOR THE RAPTURE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

He had to leave abruptly when the audience began pelting him with various objects they found in the stables. While Rush the vulture flew at RALPH’s tormentors shrieking, "FUCKTARDS!" Konservo shielded the candidate with his body until they reached the safety of the RV.

"Too bad he missed the games," Campaign Blat muttered as he gunned the RV out of the parking lot. "He would have won the Butt-crack contest hands down."

Hmm - was that a teeny bit of resentment in Blat’s voice?


Sergei Andropov said...

W00T for Rush the vulture!

As it happens, I just reread the Lephariad before going online.

Mr. NeoCON said...

Don't tell Ralph, but I actually saw PIAPS speak in person. I was at the Chautauqua Institute a few summers ago, and PIAPS was there pushing a book or something...


et said...

We should count ourselves lucky that he didn't actually try to paint the horses.

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