At least one of the RALPH clones is in secure detention in Canada’s capital today, following a display that had even hardened crowd-control experts shaking their heads.
We’re not sure why RALPH decided to follow President Bush to Canada for the Security and Prosperity Partnership summit. At all events his campaign RV, which had been quickly spray-painted white so as to pass unnoticed, managed to get across the border in the wee hours of this morning. It arrived in downtown Ottawa at around noon and discharged its primary occupant somewhere along Wellington Street. RALPH nearly broke his leg trying to walk in snowshoes on the concrete, then broke the snowshoes trying to unfasten them with his fur-lined mitts on; but somehow he managed to waddle onto the grounds of Parliament Hill, where hundreds of demonstrators, all wearing sandals and T-shirts as was appropriate to the fine summer day, were boarding buses en route to the Chateau Montebello.
Climbing onto the pedestal of the Eternal Flame, RALPH began to berate the demonstrators in a very loud voice. "PATHETIC LIBTARDS!" he roared. "SPEWING OUT THIS HATE OF AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT? WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT, THOUGH, FROM A COUNTRY THAT BROUGHT US HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGE AND SOCIALIZED MEDICINE? BUT SEAN HANNITY HAS EXPOSED YOU. HE's EXPOSED IRAQ-SHIRKING, BIN-LADEN-KISSING, FREEDOM-HATING, AMERICA’S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-BASHING, PIAPS-LOVING CANADA AS A LEFT-WING, SOCIALIST BASKET CASE"!!!
"Who’s Sean Hannity?" asked one of the demonstrators. "Who the fuck is PIAPS?" asked another. "Why don’t you get that fur coat off before you have a heart attack?" asked a third.
Taking no notice, RALPH continued, "IT JUST SHOWS HOW TWISTED YOUR MINDS ARE IN HATE!!!!! ALL YOU SOVIET CANUCKISTANIS CAN DO IS WHINE AND SPEW AND SHIT AND PISS HATE!!!! AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-HATE, CHENEY-HATE, STARS-AND-STRIPES HATE, TROOPS-HATE, VALUES-HATE,, CONDOLEEZZA-HATE, NEW-WORLD-ORDER-HATE, SECURITY-AND-PROSPERITY-PARTNERSHIP-HATE, PATRIOT-ACT-HATE, FREEDOM-AGENDA-HATE, FOX-NEWS-HATE, COULTER-HATE, BASEBALL-HATE, MOTHERHOOD-AND-APPLE-PIE-HATE, PERSONAL-RESPONSIBILITY-HATE, FAITH-HATE, HETEROSEXUAL-MARRIAGE-HATE, O'REILLY-HATE, TRUTH-HATE, FACTS-HATE, FAMILY-VALUES-HATE, ISRAEL-HATE, AND HUMANITY-HATE!!!!!!!!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Then what’d you come here for?" shouted a demonstrator. And dozens of young people with placards closed in on him, chanting, "BUSHIE GO HOME! BUSHIE GO HOME!"
Seeing the crowd’s hostility, several policemen intervened, interposing between the demonstrators and RALPH. Not in the least bit grateful, the Candidate turned on them: "YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME!!! I’M AN AMERICAN!!!! I'M A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!!! I’M RAPTURED!!! WHEN YOUR PRESIDENT HEARS ABOUT THIS, YOU’LL BE HOT BUTTERED TOAST WITH CINNAMON ON IT!!" And he fought violently, to the delight of the demonstrators, while the police wrestled him out of his fur coat and forced him into a straitjacket.
RALPH is now under close observation at the Royal Ottawa Psychiatric Hospital. He is reportedly baffling his attendants by calling them "agents of PIAPS," insisting that he must speak to the President of Canada right away, "even though he is a pathetic libtard," and warning them that the Newshounds will dynamite the hospital because they know he's in it.