The Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign has received numerous requests for more information on Ralph’s enigmatic new adherent, Konservo, and his seemingly-overnight transformation from anonymous supporter to Ralph’s closest confidante. Campaign staffers are only too happy to oblige in this first installment of a new feature on the blog: Inside the Troll Party: Meet the Team!
Discovered as an infant abandoned on the threshold of the San Francisco County Democratic Party offices late one September night, Konservo was swiftly adopted by a pair of local volunteers charmed by the chubby-cheeked lad; and, observers report, he led a happy childhood, attending SF public schools and known among the diverse student body for his broad-mindedness, fairness, and tolerance, if not for his mental agility or popularity.
However, Konservo found that as his classmates’ voices began to deepen and their physiques mature, he failed to exhibit many of the signs of normal puberty. The result was gender confusion and a teenaged tendency to cross-dress, which even in the liberal atmosphere of San Francisco aroused alarm in his parents, who transferred him to the Mayo Clinic at the age of fifteen for observation and treatment.
During one psychiatric evaluation – in which Konservo, clad in a puffed-sleeve top and broomstick skirt, was struggling with his desperate urges to embroider cross-stitched “Precious Moments” vignettes, bake, and swoon over Leonardo DiCaprio – came the fatal break. Insistent that none of the physicians or handlers in attendance “understood her,” Konservo leapt through the second-floor office window and fled the clinic grounds.
Accounts of Konservo’s whereabouts are mixed following this dramatic flight. Konservo himself has scant memories of the months intervening until he finally resurfaced working as a bartender at a leather bar in St. Petersburg, Florida, where his rendition of “Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road” swiftly became the stuff of karaoke night legend.
His awakening to politics came during the 2000 Florida Presidential vote recount, during which Representative Mark Foley was a frequent patron of the bar which employed Konservo. The two struck up an unusually close friendship, and Konservo says that Foley was the first to say to him: “You know what, sweetcheeks? You definitely have political greatness in your future. Now, let’s get this done again!”
Inspired by this encouragement and the numerous e-mailed suggestions from Foley, Konservo sprang into action. Gone, during the daylight hours at least, were the lurid make-up, bizarre fashion choices and seductive pole-dancing performances. Instead it was all pinstriped suits, weekend trips to Washington, DC for a little personal tutelage under the Florida respresentative’s “wing,” and long hours spent in the radical right blogosphere, developing repetitive troll messages and sockpuppet identities for future use. His true colors well concealed, Konservo awaited his moment.
When it all blew up in Konservo’s face was during the scandal that enveloped Foley during September 2006, leading to Foley’s resignation from Congress and potentially exposing Konservo to widespread ridicule and the death of his well-nurtured political ambitions.
He went deep underground, passed from hand to hand by GOP operatives under the code name “Mr. Pee.” In Spring of 2007, he found himself in a safe house in the Heartland, plotting strategy in secret and spamming liberal blogs under multiple identities. All he needed was a rallying cry – a hero whose rise he could help fuel and, perhaps, even manage and, himself, ride to victory like his hero, Karl Rove…
With the founding of the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign, Konservo knew he had found his true calling, attaching himself speedily to Ralph’s rising star. “I quiver at the feet of the awesomeness of Ralph!” Konservo was heard to declare at his first campaign rally. “His upper-case proclamations sing to my soul and his anger feeds my darkest impulses. Truly, I will walk through fire and blood to serve my worshipful master of HATE! Heed me, mortals all! Abase yourselves before the mighty Ralphiness! Or you will feel the wrath of Mr. NeoCon! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
Konservo could, finally, reveal his true nature to the world and to the political blogosphere. And so he did.
In just one example of the bizarre behavior that has become Konservo’s trademark, after uttering these pronouncements, he favored the audience with a short ballet performance, delivered Hamlet’s soliloquy entirely in Esperanto, simulated sexual acts with a nearby food processor (to alarmed gasps from the crowd), and concluded by singing his personal hymn to Ralph:
HATE!!!!! HATE!!!! HATE!!!!
ALL YOU NEED IS HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He then used his own teeth to clean Ralph’s fingernails and toenails, slurping down the results with evident glee. A position which Candidate Ralph endorsed enthusiastically, immediately promoting Konservo to the position of Chief Lackey, Floor-Licker, and Obsequious Bottom, which several positions Konservo continues to occupy today.
Konservo tells this interviewer that in his spare time, he enjoys macrame, disembowelling parakeets, spamming, and sabotaging Blat’s (apparently waning) influence with his avowed Lord.
He can be contacted via e-mail at ThinkProgressMocksMe@IwasBannedWAAAAH.com.
Stay tuned for the next installment of Inside the Troll Party: Meet the Team!, when we’ll profile yet another wingnut supporter of the Ralph/Blat 2008 ticket!