The Morning After (The Iowa Straw Poll, that is..)

Well, the Iowa straw poll is over, and RALPH did better than expected. He received 28 votes despite the fact that he is not running as a Republican. However, the votes were invalidated after inspection revealed that 24 of them had been cast by Konservo. We have no idea who cast the other four. It may have been Campaign Blat; but that's not likely. RALPH kept him so busy over the weekend - vacuuming the RV, fetching dry cleaning, picking roadkill off the highways for Rush the vulture’s dinner, and similar tasks - that he probably didn’t have the time to vote. Which makes one wonder - who else is voting for RALPH?

It being Sunday, RALPH did not campaign. After praying with his team for four hours, he retired to his RV bedroom and shut the door. Thereafter nothing more was heard from him except the occasional burst of maniacal laughter or blood-curdling shriek. A very large heavily bearded man, wearing camouflage gear, brass knuckles and metal-toed boots, and identifying himself as "Über-Troll," stood guard at the door and would let no one but Konservo enter; so we don’t know whether the candidate was writing his next campaign speech or Part V of "The Morning After".

In other news: Kate Stone has uncovered at least one source of RALPH’s mysterious income. According to her latest No Stone Unturned column, he was being paid to take part in a clinical trial for an new anti-psychotic drug. However, the drug’s manufacturer, Megascum Pharmaceuticals, stopped the trial last week. A spokesman for the company said, "It’s plain from RALPH’s behaviour that the drug is ineffective. In addition, other participants in the trial developed bizarre side effects like lime-green lips, foot-long nose hairs and the compulsion to walk on their hands." (Note: the candidate has shown no sign of these, at least not yet.)

According to Campaign Blat, who was on his knees cleaning the kitchen floor, the campaign plans to head into the Dakotas next week.