Friday, August 17, 2007

Moment-Men Hot on California Blat’s Trail

Close on the heels of California Blat’s “love-trek” through the Mojave Desert, a squad of RALPH’s recently-mobilized Moment-Men made a pit stop in Stockton, headed south in their battered Dodge pickup trucks and the occasional Winnebago. They took a few moments from their intense pursuit to speak with local Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign supporters in the parking lot of Archie’s Café on Highway 99.

“That there Blat has gone clean out of his mind, or I’m a monkey’s uncle,” declared Moment-Man Hiram T. Peashucker, originally from Hangman’s Creek, Alabama. “So when RALPH put out the call to track that sucker down and knock some sense into him, it was like the sounding of the Last Trumpet. I couldn’t rightly look at myself of a morning if I didn’t pitch in and do my part to bring the freak back to his right mind again. And I do mean, Right.”

Fellow Moment-Man Eustace M. Whazzup of Whitesheets, Mississippi felt exactly the same. “RALPH’s summons was a lamp unto my feet and a balm unto my bunions,” he said to campaign supporters who rallied around the group over to-go bags of tater tots, extra ketchup, and Velveeta/Wonder Bread grilled cheese sandwiches. “I knew I had to gird my loins, hitch up my overalls, and track down the nasty librul-leanin’ varmint before he went and did some damage to national security or somesuch thang.”

When one of the local campaign adherents wondered aloud how the Moment-Men account for the parallel existence of Campaign Blat and California Blat, and what they hope to accomplish by apprehending California Blat, Idaho native and Moment-Man Darrell “Potatohead” Oilslick was quick to respond. “Well, I mean…it stands to reason, you put the two of them together, RALPH lays his consecrated hands on both of them…and the Lord will surely move in mysterious ways! God willing, it may even trigger a pre-Rapture event for everyone involved - praise Jay-sus!”

The Moment-Men, however, acknowledged having a dearth of leads in their determined pursuit of California Blat. “We pretty much have nothing to go on following that reported sing-song at Cathy’s Cactus Bar,” offered Cletus S. Knothole. “But a crazy fag-dressing love-spewing nutcase in a tricked-out GMC shouldn’t be that hard to trail. Dag-nabbit, just as sure as there were WMDs in Iraq and Dick Cheney is an honorable statesman and Alberto Gonzales is deeply committed to honesty and the rule of law, we’ll drag that wigged-out hippie back to Campaign HQ for the ass-whuppin' he deserves!”

At last viewing, the Moment-Men’s convoy was headed south towards Modesto, tailpipe-exhaust smoldering in the evening’s waning light.

Meanwhile, at Campaign HQ and nearer the Midwest election action, the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign was readying a response, anticipated early next week, to new allegations that rising campaign insider Konservo’s past life included the pseudonymous publication (as cryptic author “Mr. P”) of a steamy gay-porn novel entitled Sailors: Life Bestride the Mast, detailing a seagoing liaison between a young ensign modeled upon Konservo himself and the senior naval officer he idolized, one Admiral Ralph. More details will unfold here as they emerge.

12 comments:

Makarios said...

SHAME ON YOU, LIBERAL!!! YOU PROJECT YOUR OWN DEVIANT THOUGHTS ON TO OTHERS BECAUSE YOU HATE YOURSELF!!! TYPICAL OF STRICT LIBERALISM, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO IS FRIEND AND WHO IS FOE, SO IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAINTAIN THE POLITICAL CORRECT STATUS QUO ANTE BELLUM, YOU EMBRACE THE ENEMY!!!

SEEK HELP, LIBERAL.


- Mr. President

Anonymous said...

You're confused, Konpervo. If it's projection you're after, I think you mean to refer to The Morning After, that "exciting, fact-based novel" of "didactic literature" by your main man, Ralph.

Makarios said...

I'M NOT CONFUSED AT ALL, LIBERAL!!!!!!!!

GOD KNOWS WHAT IS IN YOU SOULS!!!

YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR SINS!!!!!!!!!


- Mr. President

theroachman said...

Makarios said...
I'M NOT CONFUSED AT ALL, LIBERAL!!!!!!!!

GOD KNOWS WHAT IS IN YOU SOULS!!!


I did not know that liberals had more the one soul per person

Makarios said...

theroachman said...

I did not know that liberals had more the one soul per person


THAT'S JUST ONE OF THE NUMEROUS CONTRADICTIONS, OXYMORONS, AND IRONIES THAT DEFINE TRUE LIBERALS!!!

BUT, LIKE THE FLIP-FLOPPING, TERRORIST-CODDLING, PRESIDENT-GEORGE-W.-BUSH HATING, KRIS-KROSS-STYLE-CLOTHES-WEARING, SOY-MILK-DRINKING, RED-DOUGHNUT-GLAZING, PIAPS-SUPPORTING, CARPET-MUNCHING, DRAPES-DOWN-BELOW-THE-KNEES-HAVING, ONE-AND-ONE-AND-ONE-IS-THREE-ADDING, BEATLES-LYRICS-QUOTING, BLOG-WRITING, AMERICAPHILE-TROLLING, RALPH/BLAT-2008-SUPPORTING, FRED-DALTON-THOMPSON-HATING-BUT-SECRETLY-LAW-AND-ORDER-WATCHING, IN-THROUGH-THE-OUT-DOOR-LISTENING, UP-FOR-THE-DOWN-STROKE-LISTENING, SUNGLASSES-AT-NIGHT-WEARING-SO-YOU-CAN-SEE WHAT-YOU-AIN'T-LOOKIN'-AT, LIBERAL YOU ARE, YOU NEED REAL AMERICAN PATRIOTS, NAY, REAL AMERICAN HEROES LIKE RALPH, MYSELF, AND ALL OTHER SLIGHTLY RIGHT OF CENTER INDIVIDUALS, TO COME ONLINE AND CALMLY EXPOSE YOUR LIES!!! AND EXPOSE YOUR HATE!!! AND ABOVE ALL DEFEND AMERICA FROM THE FATAL DISEASE THAT YOU SPREAD!!!


REMEMBER KIDS, ABSTINENCE FROM LIBERALISM IS THE ONLY FORM OF PROTECTION THAT HAS BEEN PROVEN 100% EFFECTIVE.


GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

- Mr. President

Anonymous said...

You're losing it, pal. You know that, don't you?

The phone's right there. Call 911 and ask for the psych ward, stat. You're clearly more messed up than a plate of scrambled eggs.

Why do you hate the Beatles, blogs, and your own pseudonymous campaign which we have all lovingly crafted for you?

We love you, honeybunch. Always remember that.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, kewl. You added a link to your post. Well done, Konservo. You may yet master this Series Of Tubes.

You're funny, you know. In a not-good way.

RalphyFan said...

"Makarios," aka "Konservo," aka "Mr. P"....what the heck are you blathering about?

Jeebus, ranting at Blogs? Soy Milk? This Selfsame Very Serious Presidential Campaign Blog designed to catapult RALPH to national greatness?

I'm a little sorry to have been up this late to see you melt down so completely.

On the other hand, it's an opportunity to be a witness to a unique historical event.

Screen grabs, here I come!

Silly boy.

theroachman said...

I think that Kosyboy is jealous of are twin souls.

Given that he has none and we have two it is clear he is angry about it.

non-abstinent liberal said...

(Munch). Love that carpet. I love it better than Fox News. I love it almost as much as I love California Blat. He can cool my overheating problems any time he wants to.

Anonymous said...

Yes, we have very nice carpets.

They're very soft underfoot. Extremely plush.

The denizens of Fox News or the devotees of "California Blat" have never set foot on our PLC - Proud Liberal Carpets.

Enjoy your carpet-related episode, non-abstinent.

Munch away. Our webcams are at the ready.

Alan Smithee said...

I can't get the Deliverance Theme music out of my head now. Damn you!