Moment-Men Hot on California Blat’s Trail

Close on the heels of California Blat’s “love-trek” through the Mojave Desert, a squad of RALPH’s recently-mobilized Moment-Men made a pit stop in Stockton, headed south in their battered Dodge pickup trucks and the occasional Winnebago. They took a few moments from their intense pursuit to speak with local Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign supporters in the parking lot of Archie’s Café on Highway 99.

“That there Blat has gone clean out of his mind, or I’m a monkey’s uncle,” declared Moment-Man Hiram T. Peashucker, originally from Hangman’s Creek, Alabama. “So when RALPH put out the call to track that sucker down and knock some sense into him, it was like the sounding of the Last Trumpet. I couldn’t rightly look at myself of a morning if I didn’t pitch in and do my part to bring the freak back to his right mind again. And I do mean, Right.”

Fellow Moment-Man Eustace M. Whazzup of Whitesheets, Mississippi felt exactly the same. “RALPH’s summons was a lamp unto my feet and a balm unto my bunions,” he said to campaign supporters who rallied around the group over to-go bags of tater tots, extra ketchup, and Velveeta/Wonder Bread grilled cheese sandwiches. “I knew I had to gird my loins, hitch up my overalls, and track down the nasty librul-leanin’ varmint before he went and did some damage to national security or somesuch thang.”

When one of the local campaign adherents wondered aloud how the Moment-Men account for the parallel existence of Campaign Blat and California Blat, and what they hope to accomplish by apprehending California Blat, Idaho native and Moment-Man Darrell “Potatohead” Oilslick was quick to respond. “Well, I mean…it stands to reason, you put the two of them together, RALPH lays his consecrated hands on both of them…and the Lord will surely move in mysterious ways! God willing, it may even trigger a pre-Rapture event for everyone involved - praise Jay-sus!”

The Moment-Men, however, acknowledged having a dearth of leads in their determined pursuit of California Blat. “We pretty much have nothing to go on following that reported sing-song at Cathy’s Cactus Bar,” offered Cletus S. Knothole. “But a crazy fag-dressing love-spewing nutcase in a tricked-out GMC shouldn’t be that hard to trail. Dag-nabbit, just as sure as there were WMDs in Iraq and Dick Cheney is an honorable statesman and Alberto Gonzales is deeply committed to honesty and the rule of law, we’ll drag that wigged-out hippie back to Campaign HQ for the ass-whuppin' he deserves!”

At last viewing, the Moment-Men’s convoy was headed south towards Modesto, tailpipe-exhaust smoldering in the evening’s waning light.

Meanwhile, at Campaign HQ and nearer the Midwest election action, the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign was readying a response, anticipated early next week, to new allegations that rising campaign insider Konservo’s past life included the pseudonymous publication (as cryptic author “Mr. P”) of a steamy gay-porn novel entitled Sailors: Life Bestride the Mast, detailing a seagoing liaison between a young ensign modeled upon Konservo himself and the senior naval officer he idolized, one Admiral Ralph. More details will unfold here as they emerge.