Sunday, August 26, 2007

Viva California Blat!

An anomaly even in the unusual Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign surfaced again this weekend! California Blat, the love-focused doppelganger of Campaign Blat, completed his trek to Las Vegas in his tricked-out GMC Sierra, and having done so proceeded to heights that even this over-the-top desert community, renowned for its excesses and its secrecy, found alarming.

This blog will spare you the unfortunate details of Blat's attempt to hijack the Starship Enterprise at the Las Vegas Hilton's "Star Trek Experience." Also the teriyaki incident at Benihana, the Elvis-based vandalism at the Hard Rock Casino, and the apparent pilfering of the coin laundry at the Courtyard by Marriott upon discovering that the facility had - unusually, for Vegas - not a single slot machine on the premises.

No, the campaign relevance begins with the press conference he called shortly after arriving at Circus/Circus, at which he revealed "campaign plans" to build a 50-foot tall robotic version of himself and set it loose to roam the Strip, shooting lasers and occasionally fountaining vitamins to the crowd like confetti. Plans call for the robot - as yet unfunded, according to independent reports - to spout recorded campaign messages and to project campaign commercials on parking structure walls in strategic locations. When one reporter asked whether the robot would utilize solar power, Blat replied that an array of 192 AA batteries would be substituted, for "convenience."

"All I want to do is spread the LOVE!" Blat proclaimed to the crowd, urging them to partake of the cases of chilled Vibe procured for the confab. "ROBOT-LOVE, VEGAS-LOVE, LASER-LOVE, VITAMIN-LOVE, BLAT-LOVE, RALPH-LOVE, HATE-LOVE, WINGNUT-LOVE! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!!"

At that point, balloons dropped from the ceiling, exuding scents of rose petals, catnip and onions as they popped. "Looking for My Leopard" videos began to play on multiple big-screen monitors, and the crowd cheered at Blat's announcement of free Jumbo Shrimp Cocktails for all.

In other campaign news, Konservo appeared as the cover story on the newest issue of The Makarena Advocate. He has yet to rejoin the campaign, which insiders believe to be traveling through Ohio at present; however, on a more positive note, his career as a cabaret performance artist catering to - ahem, specific tastes - seems assured.

1 comment:

wee nelson said...

Ah... and where are the Moment Men? Has Blat thrown them off balance (almost as off balance as he is himself)?