RALPH is a free man again (at least, the clone who was under observation in Ottawa is free.)
After receiving a hand-couriered letter from Canada's Public Safety Minister, Stockwell Day, authorities at the Royal Ottawa Hospital allowed friends Über Troll and Campaign Blat to sign RALPH out, provided they took him back across the border immediately.
The Public Safety Minister provided a personal letter allowing RALPH safe conduct across the border. "Though the personal appearance of Mr. RALPH and his friends may be such as to excite suspicion, I can vouch for them as honourable men and servants of the Lord," the letter read. Dr. Ahmed Khoury shook his head as he co-signed RALPH’s release papers. "I hope the US knows what’s coming," he said.
Before RALPH's entourage left Ottawa, they had a brief meeting with Mr. Day at Dow’s Lake Pavilion. The campaign van with its amateurish spray-painting job arrived on the dock at about 1:00 p.m. The Candidate was in the back, playing darts with a picture of Hillary Clinton, still wearing his fur coat even though the temperature was about 85 degrees Fahrenheit with a soaring Humidex. Konservo was nowhere to be seen. He hasn’t been seen, in fact, since Wednesday night when he put on his French maid outfit and headed for the Byward Market nightclub district. Campaign Blat said he’d left a number of messages on his cell phone and gotten no reply.
RALPH, though still heavily sedated, managed to get out of the van when Mr. Day roared up to the dock on his notorious jet ski. "I am only too happy to extend the hand of compassion to a fellow Christian in trouble," Day told RALPH. "I hope can you do for the United States what I would have done for Canada if they’d let me become Prime Minister."
"Mbmmble gmmmvwp," RALPH replied, before Über Troll silently packed him back into the campaign van.
So the van headed down Highway 401 toward the border post at Gananoque, Ontario, and the US border guard waved it across without asking a question after reading the letter.
"I hope the sedation doesn’t wear off for a while," said Campaign Blat as the van drove down I-81 toward Watertown, New York. "If he realizes we’re in PIAPS’ state, he’ll go ballistic. I’m heading for Pennsylvania as fast as I can."
But what about Konservo? Why didn’t they wait for him? With an expression of deep sympathy, Campaign Blat opened the glove compartment and pulled out the latest issue of Capital Xtra, Ottawa’s gay and lesbian weekly. There on the cover was Konservo, dressed in his French maid costume and a feather boa, dancing on top of a bar table smeared with mustard. The text read, "Meet the Market’s latest sensation - an American cross-dresser who calls himself Konservo and dances to songs by Edith Piaf and Charles Aznavour while chanting, "Bush is America’s greatest president! Stop PIAPS now! Liberals are twisted with hate!" and other slogans more fitting to a camouflage-wearing, AK-47-toting US redneck than a drag queen. It’s an exquisite concept - both a voyeuristic delight for drag-lovers and an inspired satire of the moral wasteland known as the American Right."
"I - I don’t know whether to show this to RALPH or not," said Campaign Blat hesitantly. "Maybe when he’s somewhat recovered." He took a deep breath and turned away to hide - his tears? No - the wicked grin on his face.
We presume that the campaign van is now headed in search of the RALPHTURE clone, who is reportedly trekking through rural Iowa and gathering disciples at every stop.