Key Corporate, Union Endorsements for Campaign

In modern campaigns, not even a compelling message and a passion for the issues can succeed without key endorsements and a steady source of campaign contributions. How much more important, then, are these latter two for a campaign whose grasp on the ideas that shape our times is tenuous and whose core passion seems to be for upper-case fonts?

Given this dynamic, the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign is fortunate indeed to have obtained some high-profile endorsements from pillars of industry sympathetic to their goals. Campaign spokesperson Über Troll released a list of these and other key supporters as their van stopped to refuel at a Sinclair station in Bucyrus, Ohio.

Über Troll's announcements led off with RALPH's endorsement by cereal importer Blat-O-Meal, which is honoring its endorsee with his own RALPH-branded cereal, Hate Flakes. "The imported Chinese gluten used in the cereal arrives completely melamine-free," U.T. explained. "The CEO insists on adding only American-made melamine, for complete quality control." Blat-O-Meal executives were quoted as saying that they favored RALPH's platform of reduced tariffs on "magically delicious marshmallow bits."

RALPH also picked up the endorsement of heartland industry titan Luthorcorp. Speaking from his Smallville, Kansas manse, follicularly-challenged corporate executive Lex Luthor said, with his typical sardonic economy: "Apart from all the shouting, I like his style. You never know what to expect from him. Also, we share a keen interest in the Apocalypse." Metropolis newspaper of record the Daily Planet declined to comment, citing an extensive exposé presently in the works and the need to protect their sources.

U.T. then recounted a short list of organizations which have gone public with their support for Ralph/Blat 2008, including:

• International Flapjack Society
• OBJECTIVE: Ministries
• Billionaires for Bush
• Calls for Cthulhu
• Secret Masters of Fandom
• Demotivators

U.T. would have gone on to list additional RALPH fans; however, the candidate chose this moment to appear through the campaign van's sunroof in a squirming, desperate attempt to claw his way out of the vehicle's interior. "PIAPS!!!! PIAPS!!!! SHE WANTS TO TURN MY VAN INTO A LESBIAN LOVE NEST!!!!!!!! IT WAS ALL A PLOT!!!!!!!!! KONSERVO, HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! NOW I MUST PREPARE A VAT OF TROPICAL PUNCH KOOL-AID IN ORDER THAT I MAY BE CLEANSED OF THIS FOUL TAINT!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA-ulp!"

RALPH abruptly disappeared and the van rocked in signs of an apparent scuffle within. Blat's head then reappeared through the sunroof. "Sorry," he mumbled. "He, uh...found the magazine cover. We'd better go, Über..."

As the van departed down Highway 4, torn-out magazine pages were seen to be tossed from the windows, one unfortunate page sadly plastering itself across a fellow motorist's line of sight and resulting in a four-car pile-up. Thankfully, there were no injuries, but the Ohio State Highway Patrol has issued a bulletin and a description of the van, and urges law enforcement officials as well as all Ohio motorists to remain on the alert.

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A Housekeeping Note: Welcome to those who may have found the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign thanks to ThinkProgress' most dedicated troll. RALPH is already known to many of you for his occasionally pornographic rants on the Rapture and his dedication to upper-case fonts; Blat is one of our old trolls from Newshounds and especially the Newshounds Off-Topic Forum (He's an online vitamin salesman. No, really!), and after making fun of him this long he was the clear frontrunner to be RALPH's running mate.

Konservo/Makarios/Mr.P's praise for our mockery here is noted, but of course entirely incidental to the main purpose of Rapture Ralph for President. RALPH and Blat are our business. Mocking Konservo? A passing, if satisfying, amusement.