Wednesday, August 22, 2007

RalphWatch Ottawa, Day 3: Drastic Measures are Under Consideration

It’s Day Three of RALPH’s confinement in the Royal Ottawa Hospital, and the Candidate's prospects don't look good.

After trolling outside the hospital gates for several hours last night, the patrons from Absinthe Café Resto Bar eventually sobered up and went home; but Konservo, Über Troll and Campaign Blat remained, chanting "Free Rapture RALPH!" until about four a.m. when police arrived to escort them off the premises. They were back again this morning. All day they circled around on the sidewalk, carrying placards that read "SOVIET CANUCKISTAN HATES AMERICA" and "STOP DOING PIAPS’ WORK", causing a major traffic jam on Carling Avenue as commuters stopped to see what was going on.

At about 1:00 p.m., a spokeswoman from the hospital appeared to answer questions from the media. She reported that RALPH had given them nothing but trouble from the moment he was admitted. They allowed him to spend some time in the patients' lounge Monday night after supper, but had to remove him when he started ranting because the TV did not carry Fox News. Later that evening, when psychiatric resident Ahmed Khoury came to assess him, RALPH shocked him by leaping across the table and grabbing his throat. "It was scary," Dr. Khoury told reporters. "He screamed at me, called me a terrorist and an Islamofascist and what else did you expect under socialized medicine, and said all kinds of other things I didn't understand. Like calling me an agent of - what was it? Paps? When they got him off me he was yelling at me to go back to where I was born. Hate to break it to him, but I was born right here in Ottawa."

The Candidate is currently under 24-hour observation, and so heavily sedated that he is watching CBC Newsworld without complaint. His assessment team is reportedly considering everything - "even lobotomy," according to the spokeswoman.

Meanwhile, RALPH's loyal followers have retired to the Embassy West Hotel to get a good night’s sleep - all except Konservo, who, having been advised by one of the Absinthe patrons to "try the Market", took a taxi downtown, intending to pilot-test his "Dijon Divine" routine at the Helsinki Lounge and Disco’s Wednesday night drag party.


et said...

[snerf!] "Dijon Divine" - gotta love that! Konservo takes his drag act to I'd pay good money to see that.

Makarios said...

Part IV


Anonymous said...

Ah, Konservo - "Dijon Divine"! Smell the mustard-scented air in the cabaret of choice tonight, as s/he kicks up her/his heels for the gleeful crowd...