Donkey Moderates Debate on the RALPHTURE

RALPH took time off from his very hectic schedule of campaigning/parading/pilgrimaging/whatevering to have a debate with Gruff Goat the Atheist to debate the finer theological points of the RALPHTURE. Jesus was unavailable for comment.

http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/KimberleeJean/?action=view&current=ralphdebate.flv

ed comments: please excuse the shaky camera work. The cameraman consumed far too many coffees before the debate.

RALPHTURE!! (Gesundheit)

Behold! The harbinger of Rapture comes!
Across the dusty plains of Iowa
Lephari marches, purposeful of stride.
Behind him walks disciple Sonny White,
Clutching the High Pinata in his hand,
And after him a holy following,
All chanting, "Praise the RALPHTURE! Praise its name!
Give us Lephari, Lord, or give us death!"

While Campaign RALPH makes his slow way through the Midwest (his speeches haven’t really concentrated on policy lately; he’s been more preoccupied with ranting about cross-dressers in Canadian nightclubs and their possible connection to You Know Who), his RALPHTURED clone is gaining followers with every mile he marches.

These followers have begun to call him "Lephari" though where that name came from is a matter of speculation. As has already been noted in this blog, it is an anagram of "Ralphie." On the other hand the name may have been coined by Reverend Augustus ("Fred") Shinnybottom of the Militant Redeemer Baptist Church, who, when his congregation walked out on last Sunday’s sermon when RALPH started preaching in his front yard, allegedly muttered "Will someone take that li’l fairy and burn him at the stake?" Sonny Red and his brother Sonny Green, being either hard of hearing or more hung over than they would admit, misheard his insult and immediately shouted, "We won’t burn your Lephari at the stake! We’ll worship at his feet! We’ll cut his toenails with our teeth! We’ll wash his T-shirts with our own spit! We’ll follow him anywhere, even to Cedar Rapids if he orders us to."

And they are following, in ever increasing numbers. Lephari’s powers have grown considerably in only a week. He began his ministry by dispensing Pez from the Holy Pinata; now he feeds the multitudes with Stoned Wheat Thins and Brie. Yesterday, according to one of our sources, someone made the undoubtedly flippant observation, "So we got the cheese, where’s the wine?" Whereupon Lephari dipped his Official Troll Party Baseball Cap into the waters of the North Skunk River, muttered a few words over it, and poured a seemingly inexhaustible supply of liquid into whatever cups and canteens were available. No, it wasn’t wine, it was Mountain Dew - but the trick gained him an additional half dozen followers anyway. After all, as Sonny White pointed out, "Give him a few weeks and who knows what he’ll be able to do?"

The pilgrimage (or whatever) has just crossed the South Skunk River en route to the Missouri border. And they are infused with a Mission....

"September is at hand," Lephari calls,
"And children will be going back to school.
And what awaits them in their so-called halls
Of learning? Science teachers, that is what!
Long-haired hippies teaching evolution!
Vile secular progressives who ignore
The Word of God, and tell our tender youth
That we’re descended from the jungle apes!
We’ll drive them from their classrooms! We shall hunt
Them out onto the streets to beg for bread!"
And all of the assembled multitude
Cry with united voice, "You bet we will!"
And singing hymns and chanting words of praise
They follow their Lephari down the road
Among the silos and the fields of corn.

Mystery?

What does it mean?

http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/KimberleeJean/?action=view&current=jesus.flv

Viva California Blat!

An anomaly even in the unusual Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign surfaced again this weekend! California Blat, the love-focused doppelganger of Campaign Blat, completed his trek to Las Vegas in his tricked-out GMC Sierra, and having done so proceeded to heights that even this over-the-top desert community, renowned for its excesses and its secrecy, found alarming.

This blog will spare you the unfortunate details of Blat's attempt to hijack the Starship Enterprise at the Las Vegas Hilton's "Star Trek Experience." Also the teriyaki incident at Benihana, the Elvis-based vandalism at the Hard Rock Casino, and the apparent pilfering of the coin laundry at the Courtyard by Marriott upon discovering that the facility had - unusually, for Vegas - not a single slot machine on the premises.

No, the campaign relevance begins with the press conference he called shortly after arriving at Circus/Circus, at which he revealed "campaign plans" to build a 50-foot tall robotic version of himself and set it loose to roam the Strip, shooting lasers and occasionally fountaining vitamins to the crowd like confetti. Plans call for the robot - as yet unfunded, according to independent reports - to spout recorded campaign messages and to project campaign commercials on parking structure walls in strategic locations. When one reporter asked whether the robot would utilize solar power, Blat replied that an array of 192 AA batteries would be substituted, for "convenience."

"All I want to do is spread the LOVE!" Blat proclaimed to the crowd, urging them to partake of the cases of chilled Vibe procured for the confab. "ROBOT-LOVE, VEGAS-LOVE, LASER-LOVE, VITAMIN-LOVE, BLAT-LOVE, RALPH-LOVE, HATE-LOVE, WINGNUT-LOVE! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!!"

At that point, balloons dropped from the ceiling, exuding scents of rose petals, catnip and onions as they popped. "Looking for My Leopard" videos began to play on multiple big-screen monitors, and the crowd cheered at Blat's announcement of free Jumbo Shrimp Cocktails for all.

In other campaign news, Konservo appeared as the cover story on the newest issue of The Makarena Advocate. He has yet to rejoin the campaign, which insiders believe to be traveling through Ohio at present; however, on a more positive note, his career as a cabaret performance artist catering to - ahem, specific tastes - seems assured.

New Limited Edition Lephariad

The Ralph/Blat '08 campaign is pleased to announce the release of a new limited edition of The Lephariad, the grand epic tracing the adventures of a brave troll named Lephari (an anagram of "Ralphie") as he sojourns across a harsh, PIAPS-loving world on his quest to save America's Greatest President. Originally available only in separate HTML installments on the jihadist demlib hate blog News Hounds, The Lephariad has now been compiled in one volume and digitally remastered, and comes with authentic Medieval leather binding.* It can be downloaded, free of charge, here. All proceeds benefit the Ralph/Blat '08 campaign.

"I love it."
—Count Istvan, The Istvan Factor

"Nelson displays her mastery of humor and verse."
—Daily Squirrel Book Review

"A VILE PLOT BY PIAPS!!!!!"
—Ralph

*Not included.

Key Corporate, Union Endorsements for Campaign

In modern campaigns, not even a compelling message and a passion for the issues can succeed without key endorsements and a steady source of campaign contributions. How much more important, then, are these latter two for a campaign whose grasp on the ideas that shape our times is tenuous and whose core passion seems to be for upper-case fonts?

Given this dynamic, the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign is fortunate indeed to have obtained some high-profile endorsements from pillars of industry sympathetic to their goals. Campaign spokesperson Über Troll released a list of these and other key supporters as their van stopped to refuel at a Sinclair station in Bucyrus, Ohio.

Über Troll's announcements led off with RALPH's endorsement by cereal importer Blat-O-Meal, which is honoring its endorsee with his own RALPH-branded cereal, Hate Flakes. "The imported Chinese gluten used in the cereal arrives completely melamine-free," U.T. explained. "The CEO insists on adding only American-made melamine, for complete quality control." Blat-O-Meal executives were quoted as saying that they favored RALPH's platform of reduced tariffs on "magically delicious marshmallow bits."

RALPH also picked up the endorsement of heartland industry titan Luthorcorp. Speaking from his Smallville, Kansas manse, follicularly-challenged corporate executive Lex Luthor said, with his typical sardonic economy: "Apart from all the shouting, I like his style. You never know what to expect from him. Also, we share a keen interest in the Apocalypse." Metropolis newspaper of record the Daily Planet declined to comment, citing an extensive exposé presently in the works and the need to protect their sources.

U.T. then recounted a short list of organizations which have gone public with their support for Ralph/Blat 2008, including:

• International Flapjack Society
• OBJECTIVE: Ministries
• Billionaires for Bush
• Calls for Cthulhu
• Secret Masters of Fandom
• Demotivators

U.T. would have gone on to list additional RALPH fans; however, the candidate chose this moment to appear through the campaign van's sunroof in a squirming, desperate attempt to claw his way out of the vehicle's interior. "PIAPS!!!! PIAPS!!!! SHE WANTS TO TURN MY VAN INTO A LESBIAN LOVE NEST!!!!!!!! IT WAS ALL A PLOT!!!!!!!!! KONSERVO, HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! NOW I MUST PREPARE A VAT OF TROPICAL PUNCH KOOL-AID IN ORDER THAT I MAY BE CLEANSED OF THIS FOUL TAINT!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA-ulp!"

RALPH abruptly disappeared and the van rocked in signs of an apparent scuffle within. Blat's head then reappeared through the sunroof. "Sorry," he mumbled. "He, uh...found the magazine cover. We'd better go, Über..."

As the van departed down Highway 4, torn-out magazine pages were seen to be tossed from the windows, one unfortunate page sadly plastering itself across a fellow motorist's line of sight and resulting in a four-car pile-up. Thankfully, there were no injuries, but the Ohio State Highway Patrol has issued a bulletin and a description of the van, and urges law enforcement officials as well as all Ohio motorists to remain on the alert.

- - - - - - - -

A Housekeeping Note: Welcome to those who may have found the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign thanks to ThinkProgress' most dedicated troll. RALPH is already known to many of you for his occasionally pornographic rants on the Rapture and his dedication to upper-case fonts; Blat is one of our old trolls from Newshounds and especially the Newshounds Off-Topic Forum (He's an online vitamin salesman. No, really!), and after making fun of him this long he was the clear frontrunner to be RALPH's running mate.

Konservo/Makarios/Mr.P's praise for our mockery here is noted, but of course entirely incidental to the main purpose of Rapture Ralph for President. RALPH and Blat are our business. Mocking Konservo? A passing, if satisfying, amusement.

Escape from Canada!!!

RALPH is a free man again (at least, the clone who was under observation in Ottawa is free.)

After receiving a hand-couriered letter from Canada's Public Safety Minister, Stockwell Day, authorities at the Royal Ottawa Hospital allowed friends Über Troll and Campaign Blat to sign RALPH out, provided they took him back across the border immediately.


The Public Safety Minister provided a personal letter allowing RALPH safe conduct across the border. "Though the personal appearance of Mr. RALPH and his friends may be such as to excite suspicion, I can vouch for them as honourable men and servants of the Lord," the letter read. Dr. Ahmed Khoury shook his head as he co-signed RALPH’s release papers. "I hope the US knows what’s coming," he said.

Before RALPH's entourage left Ottawa, they had a brief meeting with Mr. Day at Dow’s Lake Pavilion. The campaign van with its amateurish spray-painting job arrived on the dock at about 1:00 p.m. The Candidate was in the back, playing darts with a picture of Hillary Clinton, still wearing his fur coat even though the temperature was about 85 degrees Fahrenheit with a soaring Humidex. Konservo was nowhere to be seen. He hasn’t been seen, in fact, since Wednesday night when he put on his French maid outfit and headed for the Byward Market nightclub district. Campaign Blat said he’d left a number of messages on his cell phone and gotten no reply.

RALPH, though still heavily sedated, managed to get out of the van when Mr. Day roared up to the dock on his notorious jet ski. "I am only too happy to extend the hand of compassion to a fellow Christian in trouble," Day told RALPH. "I hope can you do for the United States what I would have done for Canada if they’d let me become Prime Minister."

"Mbmmble gmmmvwp," RALPH replied, before Über Troll silently packed him back into the campaign van.

So the van headed down Highway 401 toward the border post at Gananoque, Ontario, and the US border guard waved it across without asking a question after reading the letter.

"I hope the sedation doesn’t wear off for a while," said Campaign Blat as the van drove down I-81 toward Watertown, New York. "If he realizes we’re in PIAPS’ state, he’ll go ballistic. I’m heading for Pennsylvania as fast as I can."

But what about Konservo? Why didn’t they wait for him? With an expression of deep sympathy, Campaign Blat opened the glove compartment and pulled out the latest issue of Capital Xtra, Ottawa’s gay and lesbian weekly. There on the cover was Konservo, dressed in his French maid costume and a feather boa, dancing on top of a bar table smeared with mustard. The text read, "Meet the Market’s latest sensation - an American cross-dresser who calls himself Konservo and dances to songs by Edith Piaf and Charles Aznavour while chanting, "Bush is America’s greatest president! Stop PIAPS now! Liberals are twisted with hate!" and other slogans more fitting to a camouflage-wearing, AK-47-toting US redneck than a drag queen. It’s an exquisite concept - both a voyeuristic delight for drag-lovers and an inspired satire of the moral wasteland known as the American Right."

"I - I don’t know whether to show this to RALPH or not," said Campaign Blat hesitantly. "Maybe when he’s somewhat recovered." He took a deep breath and turned away to hide - his tears? No - the wicked grin on his face.

We presume that the campaign van is now headed in search of the RALPHTURE clone, who is reportedly trekking through rural Iowa and gathering disciples at every stop.

Alternate RALPH Surfaces in Iowa, Issues Self-Proclaimed “Prophecy”

Just when ardent news-watchers thought the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign could not possibly get any more perplexing or scattered – between one of its Presidential candidates under psychiatric observation in Canada, his running mate and fellow supporters petitioning for his release, and his other running mate performing in a series of karaoke bars in the Southwestern USA, headed toward Vegas – a new development occurred earlier this evening, disrupting an otherwise innocuous Wednesday night church service and alarming ordinary Americans in the Heartland.

It was a typical Wednesday Bible Study at the Militant Redeemer Baptist Church in tiny (population 283) Atalissa, Iowa. Seated quietly on folding chairs – one churchgoer snoring softly into his massive beard – the congregation was listening to Elvira Radishsprout giving testimony about how an image of Jesus had miraculously appeared on the inside of her compost bin.

That serenity was shattered with the arrival of RALPH. Whether it was the genuine Presidential campaigner or his mysterious clone cannot be determined from eyewitness reports, but what is certain is that he flung open the church doors and bolted for the makeshift pulpit (OK, it was a podium with a church logo velcroed to it, since the Militant Redeemer Baptist Church shares space with the Atalissa Fly-Tying Club), toga flapping around his knees, a take-out falafel desperately clutched in one hand and a piñata in the shape of a goat in the other.

To the astonishment of Reverend Augustus “Fred” Shinnybottom, RALPH thrust both items into his hands and seized the microphone from Mrs. Radishsprout, commanding instant attention from the congregation with his thunderous “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!”

RALPH’s demeanor then abruptly changed, and he addressed the group more earnestly, even modestly.

“FRIENDS, I HAVE SEEN TONIGHT A GREAT MIRACLE!” he related. “AS I WALKED ALONG THE ROADSIDE TOWARD YOUR HUMBLE COMMUNITY, THE LORD HIMSELF APPEARED TO ME! IN HIS MAGNANIMITY, HE DID NOT STRIKE ME DOWN WHEN I FIRST SQUEALED AT HIM THAT HE WAS AN AGENT OF PIAPS!!! PIAPS!!! PIAPS!!! BUT THEN…”

With a tender gaze directed toward a toddler in the crowd, he continued. “THEN THE LORD REVEALED TO ME MY TRUE PURPOSE AND COMMANDED THAT I BRING HIS WORD HERE FOR ALL OF YOU, MY AND HIS FIRST AND BEST-CHOSEN FLOCK, TO BEAR WITNESS!” RALPH drew a deep anticipatory breath, and the congregation, spellbound, leant in, the better to hear. “THE LORD HAS DECREED THAT BECAUSE OF MY STEADFASTNESS, MY RELENTLESSNESS IN EXPOSING THE DEMLIB CONSPIRACY THAT THREATENS ALL THAT WE HOLD DEAR, HE IS RENAMING THE RAPTURE TO THE ‘RALPHTURE,’ IN MY HONOR!!!!”

RALPH dashed an uncharacteristic tear from his eye before continuing. “OF COURSE, I AVERTED MY GAZE AND SAID “LORD, I AM NOT WORTHY TO LEAD YOUR FAITHFUL AGAINST THE FORCES OF THE TERRORIST-CODDLING, AMERICA-HATING, PIAPS-LOVING DEFEATOCRATS!”

He actually choked back a sob before concluding, “YET THE LORD REASSURED ME THAT WITH THE HELP OF FAITHFUL LIKE YOURSELVES, THE MEGAPHONE OF THE INTERNETS AND THE CAPS-LOCK STRENGTH AND IGNORANT RESOLVE I HAVE LONG CULTIVATED, WE CANNOT FAIL! BROTHERS AND SISTERS, PRAISE AND THANKSGIVING – THE RALPHTURE IS SOON AT HAND!!!!!!!!!!”

RALPH was then caught up in the Spirit and began quivering and shaking in movements alarmingly akin to John Travolta’s choreography in Saturday Night Fever. When he finally shed this persona in a cold sweat, he gripped the podium like a lifeline and told the assembly, “GO FORTH AND AWAIT MY SIGN, FAITHFUL FRIENDS! IN THE MEANTIME, THE LORD HAS COMMANDED THAT YOU SHARE THIS FALAFEL – SAYING THESE WORDS, ‘EAT, FOR THESE ARE MY SACRED CHICKPEAS, WHICH I SHOWER UPON THEE’ – AND THEN YOU ARE TO STONE THIS PINATA AND DISTRIBUTE THE HOLY PEZ WITHIN TO THE MASSES. FOR INASMUCH AS YOU DELIVER TO THEM CHEAP CANDY IN PLASTIC DISPENSERS WITH HEADS, YOU HAVE DONE SO UNTO ME.”

RALPH then departed as he came – at top speed, and to the alarm of the congregation – leaving no sign of his future intentions or his planned whereabouts.

Rev. Shinnybottom, suspicious that RALPH was in fact a dangerous lunatic and not a true man of God, has turned over both the falafel and the piñata to authorities, along with a description and a current photo taken by an alert member of the congregation.

Not all of his flock were in agreement, however. “Everything he said resonated with my most deeply-held beliefs,” commented dismayed longtime church member Sonny Red, and his brothers Sonny White and Sonny Black. “I’m disappointed in Reverend Shinnybottom, to be honest. We should have been prepared to follow RALPH through hellfire itself…or at the very least, to the advanced levels of the ‘Left Behind’ video game.”

The Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign could not be reached for comment, given their “official” current presence in Canada and the strong likelihood of their campaign phones abroad being subject to warrantless wiretapping.

RalphWatch Ottawa, Day 3: Drastic Measures are Under Consideration

It’s Day Three of RALPH’s confinement in the Royal Ottawa Hospital, and the Candidate's prospects don't look good.

After trolling outside the hospital gates for several hours last night, the patrons from Absinthe Café Resto Bar eventually sobered up and went home; but Konservo, Über Troll and Campaign Blat remained, chanting "Free Rapture RALPH!" until about four a.m. when police arrived to escort them off the premises. They were back again this morning. All day they circled around on the sidewalk, carrying placards that read "SOVIET CANUCKISTAN HATES AMERICA" and "STOP DOING PIAPS’ WORK", causing a major traffic jam on Carling Avenue as commuters stopped to see what was going on.

At about 1:00 p.m., a spokeswoman from the hospital appeared to answer questions from the media. She reported that RALPH had given them nothing but trouble from the moment he was admitted. They allowed him to spend some time in the patients' lounge Monday night after supper, but had to remove him when he started ranting because the TV did not carry Fox News. Later that evening, when psychiatric resident Ahmed Khoury came to assess him, RALPH shocked him by leaping across the table and grabbing his throat. "It was scary," Dr. Khoury told reporters. "He screamed at me, called me a terrorist and an Islamofascist and what else did you expect under socialized medicine, and said all kinds of other things I didn't understand. Like calling me an agent of - what was it? Paps? When they got him off me he was yelling at me to go back to where I was born. Hate to break it to him, but I was born right here in Ottawa."

The Candidate is currently under 24-hour observation, and so heavily sedated that he is watching CBC Newsworld without complaint. His assessment team is reportedly considering everything - "even lobotomy," according to the spokeswoman.

Meanwhile, RALPH's loyal followers have retired to the Embassy West Hotel to get a good night’s sleep - all except Konservo, who, having been advised by one of the Absinthe patrons to "try the Market", took a taxi downtown, intending to pilot-test his "Dijon Divine" routine at the Helsinki Lounge and Disco’s Wednesday night drag party.

Konservo Makes Bizarre Bid for Ottawa Ralph's Freedom

In the wake of a series of campaign setbacks - RALPH's apparent cloning, his incarceration outside U.S. jurisdiction, and now the shocking news about his paternal heritage - the candidate's Toady-In-Chief, Konservo, appears to have launched an unusual one-man effort to rally support for RALPH among the base.

Perhaps in the mistaken assumption that Canada is a primarily French-speaking nation, Konservo arrived in Ottawa this afternoon thanks to a campaign sympathizer. He emerged clad in a fetching French Maid's costume and clutching a sheaf of campaign posters with which he efficiently papered utility poles, traffic signals and construction walls throughout the Parliamentary area, applying adhesive with his trademark toilet brush while humming "La Marseillaise" under his breath.

Patrons of the Absinthe Café Resto Bar were particularly taken with the posters, featuring Konservo himself dancing atop a jar of Grey Poupon with the Eiffel Tower in the distance. Konservo delightedly autographed souvenir posters and addressed the group as they enjoyed paté, sliced baguettes, and baked triple-cream Brie.

"You must understand that RALPH is a REAL AMERICAN of the best possible kind! He HATES everyone who HATES America and baseball and apple pie and NASCAR! Why, he's as American as Stephen Harper!!!!!" declared Konservo. Then, detecting the murmur of dissatisfaction that rippled through the Café at this utterance, he deftly switched talking points. "That's why it's so important for us to get RALPH back to the U.S.! You don't want him here messing up all your nice peace demonstrations and socialized healthcare and gay weddings. If we all hurry, we can probably even get him back to the States by the time AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-GEO...er, George W. Bush...leaves. They could travel together. You know, share brush-clearing stories and fart jokes and their favorite moments from Karl Rove's Dirty Tricks Compendium..."

Having been knocking back pints for some time even before the five rounds Konservo put on RALPH's credit card, the enthusiastic crowd rallied behind him and staggered toward the Royal Ottawa Psychiatric Hospital. Their attempts to storm the gates proved futile, however, as a polite but stern orderly insisted that RALPH would have to remain for at least a week in order for specialists to conclusively establish his mental stability.

At the last report from Ottawa, Konservo and his newfound colleagues had begun a sit-in at the front gates of the facility. As night fell Konservo was spotted performing an impromptu can-can while singing "Alouette, gentille Alouette, Alouette je te plumerai!" in a strained falsetto.

"He's a riot!" commented one of the group from the Café, leaning back against the fence in amusement. "He has some freaky gender-identity issues that he needs to come to grips with, sure, but on the whole it's a terrific show for the price. Whoa - hang on - he's got his hands on the Grey Poupon! This means trouble. Excuse me..."

Cleanup crews were converging on the area, which smelt overwhelmingly of Dijon, at press time.

Ralph Patrilineage REVEALED!

Donkey, in an astonishing Ralph interview, happened to catch the video for this amazing father-son reunion.

http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/KimberleeJean/?action=view&current=donkeyvader2.flv

How this will affect the RALPH campaign is yet unknown. So, incidentally, are Karl Rove's current whereabouts...

Ralph Crashes Summit Demonstration!

At least one of the RALPH clones is in secure detention in Canada’s capital today, following a display that had even hardened crowd-control experts shaking their heads.

We’re not sure why RALPH decided to follow President Bush to Canada for the Security and Prosperity Partnership summit. At all events his campaign RV, which had been quickly spray-painted white so as to pass unnoticed, managed to get across the border in the wee hours of this morning. It arrived in downtown Ottawa at around noon and discharged its primary occupant somewhere along Wellington Street. RALPH nearly broke his leg trying to walk in snowshoes on the concrete, then broke the snowshoes trying to unfasten them with his fur-lined mitts on; but somehow he managed to waddle onto the grounds of Parliament Hill, where hundreds of demonstrators, all wearing sandals and T-shirts as was appropriate to the fine summer day, were boarding buses en route to the Chateau Montebello.

Climbing onto the pedestal of the Eternal Flame, RALPH began to berate the demonstrators in a very loud voice. "PATHETIC LIBTARDS!" he roared. "SPEWING OUT THIS HATE OF AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT? WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT, THOUGH, FROM A COUNTRY THAT BROUGHT US HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGE AND SOCIALIZED MEDICINE? BUT SEAN HANNITY HAS EXPOSED YOU. HE's EXPOSED IRAQ-SHIRKING, BIN-LADEN-KISSING, FREEDOM-HATING, AMERICA’S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-BASHING, PIAPS-LOVING CANADA AS A LEFT-WING, SOCIALIST BASKET CASE"!!!

"Who’s Sean Hannity?" asked one of the demonstrators. "Who the fuck is PIAPS?" asked another. "Why don’t you get that fur coat off before you have a heart attack?" asked a third.

Taking no notice, RALPH continued, "IT JUST SHOWS HOW TWISTED YOUR MINDS ARE IN HATE!!!!! ALL YOU SOVIET CANUCKISTANIS CAN DO IS WHINE AND SPEW AND SHIT AND PISS HATE!!!! AMERICA-HATE, AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-HATE, CHENEY-HATE, STARS-AND-STRIPES HATE, TROOPS-HATE, VALUES-HATE,, CONDOLEEZZA-HATE, NEW-WORLD-ORDER-HATE, SECURITY-AND-PROSPERITY-PARTNERSHIP-HATE, PATRIOT-ACT-HATE, FREEDOM-AGENDA-HATE, FOX-NEWS-HATE, COULTER-HATE, BASEBALL-HATE, MOTHERHOOD-AND-APPLE-PIE-HATE, PERSONAL-RESPONSIBILITY-HATE, FAITH-HATE, HETEROSEXUAL-MARRIAGE-HATE, O'REILLY-HATE, TRUTH-HATE, FACTS-HATE, FAMILY-VALUES-HATE, ISRAEL-HATE, AND HUMANITY-HATE!!!!!!!!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Then what’d you come here for?" shouted a demonstrator. And dozens of young people with placards closed in on him, chanting, "BUSHIE GO HOME! BUSHIE GO HOME!"

Seeing the crowd’s hostility, several policemen intervened, interposing between the demonstrators and RALPH. Not in the least bit grateful, the Candidate turned on them: "YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME!!! I’M AN AMERICAN!!!! I'M A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!!! I’M RAPTURED!!! WHEN YOUR PRESIDENT HEARS ABOUT THIS, YOU’LL BE HOT BUTTERED TOAST WITH CINNAMON ON IT!!" And he fought violently, to the delight of the demonstrators, while the police wrestled him out of his fur coat and forced him into a straitjacket.

RALPH is now under close observation at the Royal Ottawa Psychiatric Hospital. He is reportedly baffling his attendants by calling them "agents of PIAPS," insisting that he must speak to the President of Canada right away, "even though he is a pathetic libtard," and warning them that the Newshounds will dynamite the hospital because they know he's in it.

Ralph clone suspected

SNN—Compounding the Ralph campaign's Blat-related problems, it now appears that Ralph has also been cloned, Ralph's senior minion, Konservo, told the Daily Squirrel on Monday. He relates that he was walking through a public park while wearing a toga, as is his wont, when someone he thought to be Ralph approached him. "At first he seemed normal, but then he insulted the Attorney General, and called me a libtard. It's just not like him. I'm so confused."

The Squirrel also reports that there have been several unconfirmed sightings of California Blat in the company of a short, hunchbacked man with a peculiar gait and an Eastern European accent.

Moment-Men Hot on California Blat’s Trail

Close on the heels of California Blat’s “love-trek” through the Mojave Desert, a squad of RALPH’s recently-mobilized Moment-Men made a pit stop in Stockton, headed south in their battered Dodge pickup trucks and the occasional Winnebago. They took a few moments from their intense pursuit to speak with local Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign supporters in the parking lot of Archie’s Café on Highway 99.

“That there Blat has gone clean out of his mind, or I’m a monkey’s uncle,” declared Moment-Man Hiram T. Peashucker, originally from Hangman’s Creek, Alabama. “So when RALPH put out the call to track that sucker down and knock some sense into him, it was like the sounding of the Last Trumpet. I couldn’t rightly look at myself of a morning if I didn’t pitch in and do my part to bring the freak back to his right mind again. And I do mean, Right.”

Fellow Moment-Man Eustace M. Whazzup of Whitesheets, Mississippi felt exactly the same. “RALPH’s summons was a lamp unto my feet and a balm unto my bunions,” he said to campaign supporters who rallied around the group over to-go bags of tater tots, extra ketchup, and Velveeta/Wonder Bread grilled cheese sandwiches. “I knew I had to gird my loins, hitch up my overalls, and track down the nasty librul-leanin’ varmint before he went and did some damage to national security or somesuch thang.”

When one of the local campaign adherents wondered aloud how the Moment-Men account for the parallel existence of Campaign Blat and California Blat, and what they hope to accomplish by apprehending California Blat, Idaho native and Moment-Man Darrell “Potatohead” Oilslick was quick to respond. “Well, I mean…it stands to reason, you put the two of them together, RALPH lays his consecrated hands on both of them…and the Lord will surely move in mysterious ways! God willing, it may even trigger a pre-Rapture event for everyone involved - praise Jay-sus!”

The Moment-Men, however, acknowledged having a dearth of leads in their determined pursuit of California Blat. “We pretty much have nothing to go on following that reported sing-song at Cathy’s Cactus Bar,” offered Cletus S. Knothole. “But a crazy fag-dressing love-spewing nutcase in a tricked-out GMC shouldn’t be that hard to trail. Dag-nabbit, just as sure as there were WMDs in Iraq and Dick Cheney is an honorable statesman and Alberto Gonzales is deeply committed to honesty and the rule of law, we’ll drag that wigged-out hippie back to Campaign HQ for the ass-whuppin' he deserves!”

At last viewing, the Moment-Men’s convoy was headed south towards Modesto, tailpipe-exhaust smoldering in the evening’s waning light.

Meanwhile, at Campaign HQ and nearer the Midwest election action, the Ralph/Blat 2008 Campaign was readying a response, anticipated early next week, to new allegations that rising campaign insider Konservo’s past life included the pseudonymous publication (as cryptic author “Mr. P”) of a steamy gay-porn novel entitled Sailors: Life Bestride the Mast, detailing a seagoing liaison between a young ensign modeled upon Konservo himself and the senior naval officer he idolized, one Admiral Ralph. More details will unfold here as they emerge.

The Legend of California Blat, Part I: The Long Drink of Water

A cloud of dust on the horizon. A roar of wheels! The coyotes and vultures raise their heads and scatter into the brush as they hear, above the roar, a slightly off-key voice raised in song.
It’s CALIFORNIA BLAT, the self-proclaimed American Hero! Ridin’ the backroads in his red, white and blue GMC Sierra, appearing suddenly where he will and disappearing just as suddenly.

Already he’s becoming a legend in the Mojave Desert. Only yesterday an amazed young couple, whose car had overheated somewhere between Baker and Barstow, told this remarkable story. According to the young man (whose name we didn’t catch), "We were standing by the side of the road with the hood up, just ready to cry. And then suddenly, along comes this weird truck, and this guy jumps out with a bottle of water. Just a small Nalgene bottle, half a gallon or so. I thought, shit, that’s not gonna be near enough. But he tips the bottle into the radiator, and you could hear this glug, glug, glug, went on for ages. Like he was filling it from a big tank or something. And then after that, he holds the bottle out to us. ‘Go on, drink.’ And would you believe it - that little bottle was full. He’d just filled my radiator tank with it and it was still full."

"Tasted good too," said his female companion. "Like ginger ale."

"No way. It was more like root beer."

"Anyway," said the girl quickly, "our car started right away. We thanked him and offered to treat him to dinner, but he said no, he had to stay ahead of the ‘Moment Men’. Whatever he meant by that. And he got back in his truck and roared off. He was weird, but I don't care. He saved our butts."

That same evening California Blat wandered into Cathy's Cactus Bar, somewhere along I-15, and, interrupting a country band that was in the middle of "Achy Breaky Heart", unslung the guitar from his back and burst into the following song (to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel"):

"I’m the Redneck Hippie,
I’m running wild and free
The Moment Men are on my trail
But they won’t capture me.

‘Cause I’m a mighty hero
(A mighty hero)
And they’re a big fat zero,
Yes they are."

After singing this he immediately slung the guitar over his back again and bolted out of the bar. Seconds later a squealing roar assaulted the ears of everyone within a half mile radius, and the American-Hero-Mobile had vanished into the night, while the patrons looked at one another and shook their heads.

RALPH's First Campaign Ad

This week, RALPH rolled out his inaugural campaign ad, although some media analysts speculated that perhaps his handlers do not quite understand the landscape of political advertising.

Judge for yourselves:

The Morning After (The Iowa Straw Poll, that is..)

Well, the Iowa straw poll is over, and RALPH did better than expected. He received 28 votes despite the fact that he is not running as a Republican. However, the votes were invalidated after inspection revealed that 24 of them had been cast by Konservo. We have no idea who cast the other four. It may have been Campaign Blat; but that's not likely. RALPH kept him so busy over the weekend - vacuuming the RV, fetching dry cleaning, picking roadkill off the highways for Rush the vulture’s dinner, and similar tasks - that he probably didn’t have the time to vote. Which makes one wonder - who else is voting for RALPH?

It being Sunday, RALPH did not campaign. After praying with his team for four hours, he retired to his RV bedroom and shut the door. Thereafter nothing more was heard from him except the occasional burst of maniacal laughter or blood-curdling shriek. A very large heavily bearded man, wearing camouflage gear, brass knuckles and metal-toed boots, and identifying himself as "Über-Troll," stood guard at the door and would let no one but Konservo enter; so we don’t know whether the candidate was writing his next campaign speech or Part V of "The Morning After".

In other news: Kate Stone has uncovered at least one source of RALPH’s mysterious income. According to her latest No Stone Unturned column, he was being paid to take part in a clinical trial for an new anti-psychotic drug. However, the drug’s manufacturer, Megascum Pharmaceuticals, stopped the trial last week. A spokesman for the company said, "It’s plain from RALPH’s behaviour that the drug is ineffective. In addition, other participants in the trial developed bizarre side effects like lime-green lips, foot-long nose hairs and the compulsion to walk on their hands." (Note: the candidate has shown no sign of these, at least not yet.)

According to Campaign Blat, who was on his knees cleaning the kitchen floor, the campaign plans to head into the Dakotas next week.

BREAKING NEWS: Ralph accused of sockpuppetry

Reuters—On today's episode of The Istvan Factor, guest Marie Therese, an official in the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy (VLWC), alleged that US presidential candidate Ralph had been posting at her website under the name "Über-Troll". While this is not the first time such allegations have been made, it is the first time they have come from such a high-ranking VLWC member.

The use of multiple identities, called sockpuppets, is prohibited by 11 CFR §537.

Ralph's campaign had no immediate comment, except to say that it was "probably PIAPS' fault." The candidate himself could not be immediately contacted.

Bizarro Blat – RALPH Calls out the Posse!

As California Blat re-emerged on the scene yet again late this week, an increasingly exasperated – indeed, downright shrill – RALPH called upon campaign supporters to locate and if possible apprehend this unusual, love-focused version of Blat…who, claims RALPH, is giving the campaign a bad name.

At a fuel stop in Texarkana with Rush the Vulture gliding overhead cawing “DEMLIB! DEMLIB!”, RALPH took the opportunity to address a family traveling in a van with Kentucky plates, a cabbie who dashed urgently into the Shell station restroom for the duration of the stop, the two deeply bored convenience store clerks/gas attendants, and a passing skateboarder.

“THIS FREAKY LOVE-OBSESSED QUASI-LIBTARD BLAT CLONE IS A DISTRACTION FROM THE REAL ISSUES FACING AMERICA THIS ELECTION YEAR!” he declared. “WE NEED A LEADER WHO WILL EMULATE AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT BY BATTLING ISLAMISTS OVER THERE AND STANDING ON THE STRATEGICALLY-LIT RUBBLE OF COLLAPSED INFRASTRUCTURE HERE, IF WE ALL DON’T WANT TO DIE IN OUR BEDS BECAUSE OF MARAUDING GODLESS MUSLIM HORDES!! THIS IS THE REAL BLAT…”

Campaign Blat offered a feeble wave but was cut off from any attempt to speak himself, as RALPH continued: “…AND THIS OTHER TATTOO-WEARING, DOUGHNUT-REDDENING, VITAMIN-BUMPING IMPOSTOR IS A FAKE AND A PHONY AND SHOULD START WEARING PANTSUITS! PANTSUITS! PANTSUITS!!! I CALL UPON ALL RAPTURE-READY, PATRIOTIC RESIDENTS OF AMERICA AND ULSTER TO FIND HIM AND BRING HIM IN, FOR HIS OWN GOOD, LEST HE BE LOST AND BECOME EVEN MORE AN AGENT OF PIAPS!!!!!!”

“SO TRUE!! SO TRUE!!” chorused Konservo, dashing a tear from his eye before prostrating himself and polishing RALPH’s belt-buckle with Windex and a cloth, and then favoring the small and bemused assembly with a brief mime routine and a series of bird-calls which, at one point, had the group ducking as Rush dove for their heads as if toward prey.

Campaign Blat said nothing, though his expression conveyed great frustration as the campaigners re-boarded the RV for their return journey toward Iowa for the forthcoming straw poll, and that frustration was only confirmed and magnified when he floored the accelerator as they exited the station, spewing chokingly-thick gasoline fumes toward their small audience and sending Rush the Vulture into a whiplash-like lurch from where he clung to the CB antenna by his talons.

And what of the source of RALPH’s ire? Spurring on this incident was the appearance by California Blat at the candidates’ forum on gay issues sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign and web site LOGO.

Although not an invited participant, California Blat made his point to reporters both during and after the Forum. During the event, he stood up as the participating candidates were being introduced, took off his T-shirt, and displayed his new tattoo for the cameras, flexing his flabby muscles in an attempt to make the eagle flap its wings.

Security swiftly removed California Blat from the building, but reporters from local stations caught up with him afterward for commentary.

“The gay and lesbian community needs to realize that the Ralph/Blat campaign doesn’t HATE them,” he insisted. “We don't even get confused about whether or not being gay is a 'choice,' like that Richardson dude. We LOVE our gay brothers and sisters. We love them so much that we’re not willing for a single one of them to be lost to Satan and PIAPS! If we have to discriminate against them, deny them the benefits that other couples take for granted, demonize them for corrupting our childen and poisioning society as we know it and calling down Divine Wrath upon this Great Nation…we will do all that with LOVE. Because there is nothing we love quite so much as bullying everyone else into seeing things our way and our way only. That’s what we love, love, love. All you need is love!”

California Blat declined to be peppered with further questions as the Forum broke up, but leapt into his silver GMC Sierra and headed north through the Grapevine toward Tehachapi. A rumored but unconfirmed sighting occurred at a Casa De Fruta outpost where it was claimed he purchased a jar of jalapeño jelly and a garlic braid.

Meanwhile, the poster illustrated at the beginning of this article has begun appearing on telephone poles nationwide as improvised bands of vigilantes calling themselves either “Ralph’s Rovers” or “The Momentmen” have sprung up overnight.

Travelers on U.S. highways during these final weeks of the summer tourist season are urged to give these groups a wide berth and tune in to the finale of Hell’s Kitchen instead.

Is RALPH the World's Greatest Redneck? We'll Have to Wait to Find Out

If RALPH had dreams of being the Spam Eating Champion of the 2007 Texas Redneck Games, those dreams have been rudely dashed. He and his entourage arrived this afternoon at Pool Ranch ATV Park in Athens, Texas ("Home of the Original Hamburger"), all primed to participate in the Games - only to find that they’d taken place last weekend.

Having decided not to rebuild his burnt-down campaign headquarters, he has acquired a new campaign RV, and painted it fire-engine red. On both sides, in white and blue, are the words, RALPH/BLAT 2008!!! LUNATIC CANDIDATES FOR A CRAZY WORLD!!! and STOP PIAPS NOW!!! While RALPH and Konservo were playing tiddlywinks in the living area, Campaign Blat, singing "Proud to be an Okie from Muskogee" at the top of his voice, drove this vehicle into the ATV park at top speed and promptly mired it in a mile-wide lake of garbage-strewn mud left over from the previous weekend.

When asked where the games were, the park maintenance staff exploded with laughter. "I know we get some dumb-ass folks at these games," said one, "but at least most of ‘em get here on the right day. Y’all come back in February - that’s when we’re hostin’ the Texas Redneck Muddy Gras. Hey, watch your language there, mister. Who the hell is PIAPS? How can I be his agent if I don’t know who he is?"

In the end, the park staff helped pull RALPH’s RV out of the mud just to get rid of him, and the entourage proceeded to Henderson County Fair Park, where people were arriving for this weekend’s Northeast Texas Paint Horse Show. There a small audience gathered to hear the candidate document his grievances against Senator Clinton. They listened politely at first, but began to heckle when RALPH described how, while walking innocently down a street in Hartford, Connecticut, he had been grabbed from behind, bound, gagged and thrown into a clothes dryer by her agents. "IF PIAPS HAD HAD HER WAY I WOULD HAVE BEEN SMOTHERED TO DEATH BY A SOGGY T-SHIRT!!" he roared. "BUT I HAVE BEEN SAVED FOR THE RAPTURE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He had to leave abruptly when the audience began pelting him with various objects they found in the stables. While Rush the vulture flew at RALPH’s tormentors shrieking, "FUCKTARDS!" Konservo shielded the candidate with his body until they reached the safety of the RV.

"Too bad he missed the games," Campaign Blat muttered as he gunned the RV out of the parking lot. "He would have won the Butt-crack contest hands down."

Hmm - was that a teeny bit of resentment in Blat’s voice?

Inside the Troll Party: Meet the Team! - Konservo Revealed!

The Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign has received numerous requests for more information on Ralph’s enigmatic new adherent, Konservo, and his seemingly-overnight transformation from anonymous supporter to Ralph’s closest confidante. Campaign staffers are only too happy to oblige in this first installment of a new feature on the blog: Inside the Troll Party: Meet the Team!

Discovered as an infant abandoned on the threshold of the San Francisco County Democratic Party offices late one September night, Konservo was swiftly adopted by a pair of local volunteers charmed by the chubby-cheeked lad; and, observers report, he led a happy childhood, attending SF public schools and known among the diverse student body for his broad-mindedness, fairness, and tolerance, if not for his mental agility or popularity.

However, Konservo found that as his classmates’ voices began to deepen and their physiques mature, he failed to exhibit many of the signs of normal puberty. The result was gender confusion and a teenaged tendency to cross-dress, which even in the liberal atmosphere of San Francisco aroused alarm in his parents, who transferred him to the Mayo Clinic at the age of fifteen for observation and treatment.

During one psychiatric evaluation – in which Konservo, clad in a puffed-sleeve top and broomstick skirt, was struggling with his desperate urges to embroider cross-stitched “Precious Moments” vignettes, bake, and swoon over Leonardo DiCaprio – came the fatal break. Insistent that none of the physicians or handlers in attendance “understood her,” Konservo leapt through the second-floor office window and fled the clinic grounds.

Accounts of Konservo’s whereabouts are mixed following this dramatic flight. Konservo himself has scant memories of the months intervening until he finally resurfaced working as a bartender at a leather bar in St. Petersburg, Florida, where his rendition of “Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road” swiftly became the stuff of karaoke night legend.

His awakening to politics came during the 2000 Florida Presidential vote recount, during which Representative Mark Foley was a frequent patron of the bar which employed Konservo. The two struck up an unusually close friendship, and Konservo says that Foley was the first to say to him: “You know what, sweetcheeks? You definitely have political greatness in your future. Now, let’s get this done again!”

Inspired by this encouragement and the numerous e-mailed suggestions from Foley, Konservo sprang into action. Gone, during the daylight hours at least, were the lurid make-up, bizarre fashion choices and seductive pole-dancing performances. Instead it was all pinstriped suits, weekend trips to Washington, DC for a little personal tutelage under the Florida respresentative’s “wing,” and long hours spent in the radical right blogosphere, developing repetitive troll messages and sockpuppet identities for future use. His true colors well concealed, Konservo awaited his moment.

When it all blew up in Konservo’s face was during the scandal that enveloped Foley during September 2006, leading to Foley’s resignation from Congress and potentially exposing Konservo to widespread ridicule and the death of his well-nurtured political ambitions.

He went deep underground, passed from hand to hand by GOP operatives under the code name “Mr. Pee.” In Spring of 2007, he found himself in a safe house in the Heartland, plotting strategy in secret and spamming liberal blogs under multiple identities. All he needed was a rallying cry – a hero whose rise he could help fuel and, perhaps, even manage and, himself, ride to victory like his hero, Karl Rove…

With the founding of the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign, Konservo knew he had found his true calling, attaching himself speedily to Ralph’s rising star. “I quiver at the feet of the awesomeness of Ralph!” Konservo was heard to declare at his first campaign rally. “His upper-case proclamations sing to my soul and his anger feeds my darkest impulses. Truly, I will walk through fire and blood to serve my worshipful master of HATE! Heed me, mortals all! Abase yourselves before the mighty Ralphiness! Or you will feel the wrath of Mr. NeoCon! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Konservo could, finally, reveal his true nature to the world and to the political blogosphere. And so he did.

In just one example of the bizarre behavior that has become Konservo’s trademark, after uttering these pronouncements, he favored the audience with a short ballet performance, delivered Hamlet’s soliloquy entirely in Esperanto, simulated sexual acts with a nearby food processor (to alarmed gasps from the crowd), and concluded by singing his personal hymn to Ralph:

DEMLIB-HATE,
GAYFAG-HATE,
TERRORIST-HATE,
PIAPS-HATE,
LIBTARD-HATE!
HATE!!!!! HATE!!!! HATE!!!!
ALL YOU NEED IS HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He then used his own teeth to clean Ralph’s fingernails and toenails, slurping down the results with evident glee. A position which Candidate Ralph endorsed enthusiastically, immediately promoting Konservo to the position of Chief Lackey, Floor-Licker, and Obsequious Bottom, which several positions Konservo continues to occupy today.

Konservo tells this interviewer that in his spare time, he enjoys macrame, disembowelling parakeets, spamming, and sabotaging Blat’s (apparently waning) influence with his avowed Lord.

He can be contacted via e-mail at ThinkProgressMocksMe@IwasBannedWAAAAH.com.

Stay tuned for the next installment of Inside the Troll Party: Meet the Team!, when we’ll profile yet another wingnut supporter of the Ralph/Blat 2008 ticket!

Blat Blasts Off Again

Boy, they’re forgetful in Washington! Not that we didn't know that already; but investigative reporter Kate Stone has provided us with further proof.

It was only on June 29 that VP Candidate Blat was bailed out of a Washington jail, where he was being held for breaching Capitol security. Considering the bizarre circumstances of his arrest you'd think a lot of people at the jail might remember him. But no - no one has any memory of the man. In fact, there's no mention of him in the prison records during the period when he was Inside.

Ms. Stone pestered prison officials until they got a court order to keep her away, but she admits she’s drawn a blank. "He’s been wiped out of their collective memory," she writes in today’s No Stone Unturned column. "It’s as if he doesn’t exist - which is especially odd considering there’s two of him now. Either the Washington correctional services bureaucracy has caught en masse the amnesia-inducing disease that afflicts Alberto Gonzales, or there’s something even more sinister at work. Whatever it is, reader, when I find out you’ll be the first to know."

As for Blat himself, being cloned (or whatever it was) seems to have been good for him - it’s allowed him to hit both the campaign trail and the road. Only hours after leaving his "Hollywood Calling Card," California Blat managed to get hold of a silver GMC Sierra with a cab sporting the slogan "I’M AN AMERICAN HERO" painted on a red, white and blue background. He roared out of LA on the I-10 in the early hours of this morning, and was last seen at Medi Evil Tattoo in Yucca Valley, getting a huge eagle, with a banner reading "LOVE AMERICA" in its beak, tattooed on his back. While being worked on he was entertaining a couple of other customers, soldiers from the Mojave Desert Marine Corps Combat Center, by shouting "CHENEY-LOVE! FLAG-WAVING-LOVE! NEW-WORLD-ORDER-LOVE! BOMB-THE-SHIT-OUT-OF-IRAN-LOVE!" He also mentioned he might head to Joshua Tree National Park to "find my head".

Mystery Deepens - Blat's Evil Twin??

It was a situation that the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign staff never expected to have to address - Blat himself scrambling through the Hollywood Hills in the dead of night, replacing the renowned "HOLLYWOOD" sign with a slogan more in keeping with the themes he introduced recently in Coralville, Iowa...themes since repudiated by Ralph himself at the Knoxville Raceway, where he famously declared "I DON'T DO LOVE!" Yet, a plethora of local SoCal witnesses, apparently already bored by the summer spectacle of Paris Hilton's arrest and jail time, came forward to positively identify Blat as the mysterious individual responsible for the dramatic overnight change to the iconic marquee.

"I know Ralph is conflicted on this issue," Blat explained to an unnamed reporter from the Alhambra Daily Dime, "but this campaign really is all about the love! OBFUSCATION-LOVE, WIRETAPPING-LOVE, MILITARISM-LOVE, BYPASS-FISA-LOVE, GONZALES-LOVE, POLITICIZE-DOJ-LOVE! ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!!! LOVE!!! LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED!!!"

But the plot thickened even further when, at the very moment Blat was giving his exclusive interview to the Daily Dime, he was also spotted in Harlan, Iowa, desperately pleading with residents who had turned out to a Tancredo campaign "town meeting" at the local Pizza Ranch to give him just a few moments to hand out religious tracts and vitamin samples while addressing important issues like flag-burning, the Rapture and Hillary Clinton's villainous cleavage and its effect on young people's morals. "Please!" urged this mirror-image of Blat. "Just a sip of Vibe and a few words of this campaign literature will make it all crystal-clear for you, what devastating plans PIAPS has in store for you unless you make the right choice in this...er...before-the-election year!"

Kate Stone of the syndicated No Stone Unturned column managed to catch up with this Iowan version of Blat to ask him how he explained the existence of this apparent doppelganger.

"Well, the last thing I remember, after boarding the Underground Bail-Road, was being at a campaign stop in Smallville, Kansas. I was speaking at this industrial facility where I understand experiments are carried out on what the locals there call 'meteor rocks' - luminescent green, really strange - and there was an explosion - and in the confusion I could for a moment have sworn that I saw a carbon copy of myself, fleeing the scene in horror and looking, if I may say so, downright liberal!"

Attempts to reach candidate Ralph were rebuffed by Ralph's new valet and floor-licker Konservo, whose statement both to Blat and to reporters investigating the apparent identity theft case consisted of: "Death to all Muslims! You should all be investigated for treason and impaled on the border as a warning! I bet you're not even 2/3 American! I bet you watch TVs that get stations outside the U.S.!! You are all merely pawns in a game of Islamic Chess, and you know that in Islamic Chess the black pieces suicide-bomb the white pieces! ROTFLMFAO! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Konservo then performed an abbreviated Macarena, yodeled for five minutes, and then called for a "moment of silence" into which he recited the lyrics to the opening theme of Gilligan's Island, with accompanying shadow-puppet gestures.

The assembled press figured there was no point in further questions, and made their thankful exit.

At this writing, the exact whereabouts of neither Blat is known, but many questions remain. Are these manifestations, indeed, of two separate and diametrically opposed aspects of a single personality? Has Blat been the secret object of a highly illegal cloning operation undertaken by Eniva Corporation? Is Luthorcorp complicit in either scenario? And exactly how much further is citizen journalist Kate Stone willing to probe - perhaps at great personal risk - in order to uncover the potential corruption and turmoil that clearly underscores this underdog campaign?

Answers will have to await further investigation.

All you Need is - What?

We have just had RALPH's initial response to Blat's proposed new campaign slant, and I'm afraid it wasn't too positive.

Reporters found him this afternoon, along with his new companion Konservo, at a refreshment stand at the Knoxville Raceway in Knoxville, Iowa. "LOVE? WHAT'S THAT???" he roared, when informed what his running-mate had said. "I DON'T DO LOVE!!! THAT'S FOR HIPPIES AND WIMPS!!! THAT'S WHAT PIAPS AND THE NEWSHOUNDS AND OTHER DEMLIBS HAVE FOR AL-QAEDA AND AHMADINEJAD!!!"

At this point he choked on his warm Coke and it was a while before he could proceed. "IF GEORGE BUSH, THE WORLD'S GREATEST PRESIDENT, SHOWED LOVE ON 9/11, OUR CHILDREN WOULD BE STUDYING THE QURAN IN SCHOOL RIGHT NOW!!!! FIRST SOCIALIZED MEDICINE AND NOW LOVE!!! WHAT IS GOING ON IN THAT MAN'S HEAD???!!! WHATEVER IT IS, I KNOW PIAPS IS AT THE BOTTOM OF IT!!!!" His next words were drowned out by the roar of sprint cars preparing for tonight's Brodix 360 Tournament of Champions, but I am sure they were more of the same.

When reporters left him, Konservo was patting him on the shoulder (with the hand that was not holding ketchup-slathered fries in a limp cardboard container) and saying, "Don't worry, my lord. You've got me. I don't love anyone."

To be fair to the Candidate, he did not have a very good day. He had tried to take part in the Republican debate in Des Moines but had been refused admittance. "This debate is not for Trolls," he was told, "and besides, vultures aren't allowed in the ABC studios." So he stood outside, handing tracts to the Ron Paul supporters until one of them asked security to "get this religious nutbar outta here." We'll let you know whether he and Blat can patch matters up.

Campaign Tests New Themes in Iowa

Elusive running mate Blat, perhaps in an effort to re-ignite flagging campaign excitement following Presidential candidate Ralph's recent cruise-ship incident, spoke this morning at a gathering of the Newshounds Off-Topic Lettuce Pickers' and Blogging Federation in Coralville, Iowa, where he introduced a dramatic shift in the team's campaign rhetoric.

"Our opponents like to call myself and Ralph haters," he stated, hands tucked casually into his blue jeans as he addressed the crowd of 9 people, three dogs and a squirrel making disruptive, chainsaw-like noises. "Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. We are all about the love. In fact, we introduced the concept of love points quite some time ago."

Blat then proceeded to enumerate the campaign's commitment to love in a speech that closely echoed this written statement released to the press:

THE RALPH/BLAT 2008 CAMPAIGN IS COMMITTED TO LOVE!!! FEAR-LOVE, BUSH-LOVE, HATE-LOVE, DIRTY-TRICKS-LOVE, SURVEILLANCE-LOVE, CORPORATION-LOVE, NEOCON-LOVE, MISOGYNY-LOVE, CAPITAL-GAINS-LOVE, GAY-BASHING-LOVE, CHENEY-LOVE, ROVE-LOVE, FOX-"NEWS"-LOVE, DELUSION-LOVE, DEATH-LOVE, EXCESSIVE-NATIONALISM-LOVE, FRAUDULENT-ELECTION-LOVE, GANNON-LOVE, RECORD-DEFICIT-LOVE, SHOE-SHOPPING-LOVE, DISASTER-LOVE, QUAGMIRE-LOVE, PARANOIA-LOVE, FUNDAMENTALISM-LOVE, O'REILLY-LOVE, MALKIN-LOVE, HANNITY-LOVE, CAPITAL-LETTERS-LOVE, COULTER-LOVE, IGNORANCE-LOVE, FLAG-WAVING-LOVE, CREATIONISM-LOVE, SHOOTING-OLD-MEN-IN-THE-FACE-LOVE, TROLL-LOVE, HURRICANE-LOVE, BRIDGE-COLLAPSE-LOVE, KOOL-AID-LOVE, STONEWALLING-LOVE, WAR-LOVE, INCOMPETENCE-LOVE!!!! LOVE!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!! LOVE!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!

Blat took no questions as his nervous escort swept him away in the back of a dirty Ford pickup filled with bales of hay.

Audience reaction was muted. "I wanted to ask him if there was anything at all these candidates love that isn't divisive, destructive or mean-spirited," said one attendee. Another added, "I was hoping that freak Konservo would be here. One of my kids is into the Goth look and wanted me to ask him for makeup tips and an autograph." This second attendee paused and then continued, "Actually, it's probably just as well."

The squirrel on the scene had this to say.

More Evidence of Campaign Collapse? In Surprise Move, RALPH Courts National Review Cruisegoers

Amid rampant speculation that the Ralph/Blat 2008 campaign is coming apart at the seams faster than a cheap Wal*Mart T-shirt, there came a startling development this evening. As the Netherlands-registered cruise ship ms Noordam pulled in at its final port of call - Victoria, British Columbia, Canada - Ralph and his newly-appointed lackey Konservo appeared and demanded to board the vessel, preventing its neocon National Review cruisegoers from disembarking.

The scene which followed alarmed even the likes of former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton, whose mustache was visibly seen to quiver as he said "In all my years of public service, in all those private meetings with Karl and Lurita, with the crotchless pantaloons and free-flowing Velveeta...even I have never seen anything like what I witnessed this evening."

After blocking the gangway in a standoff with Jonah Goldberg, who was repeatedly challenged by Ralph to a paste-eating contest, Ralph insisted that cruise organizers provide him with a room in which he could address the group. "LOUSY SKANKY DORKSIDED PIAPS GETS AN AUDIENCE OF 1,500 AT THAT ISLAMOFASCIST DEMLIB CONSPIRACY-FEST CALLED YEARLYKOS, AND I'M STUCK IN A DRYER IN AN APARTMENT COIN LAUNDRY. SHE MUST BE INVESTIGATED!!!! I MUST HAVE THE FLOOR!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" Cruise organizers, fearing that Ralph might pose a danger to himself and others, quickly organized a meeting space on the Lido Deck.

The heady thrill of the campaign trail appeared to have taken a psychological as well as a physical toll on Ralph. Before entering the meeting room he instructed Konservo (somewhat strangely clad in face-paint and a frock coat) to lick the floor clean - which witnesses report that Konservo did, with great eagerness, after falling to his knees before Ralph and wailing "Thou art merciful and wise, oh Master of the Upper Case Fonts! I hear and obey!" Following the floor-licking, he performed around the perimeter an unusual and apparently ritualized dance which one cruisegoer described as "this weird Kabuki-Flamenco kind of thing, with maybe a dash of Limbo thrown in"; drooled on Robert Bork's lapel; swatted Kate O'Beirne on the bottom saying "Naughty girl! Naughty!"; and poured the contents of a small container of frilled toothpicks into Ramesh Ponnuru's breast pocket, whispering sotto voce "For Guido. He'll take you to the safe house. The password is salmonella."

But Konservo's antics were, the crowd was shocked to discover, merely the beginning. While these unusual preparations were taking place, Ralph had disappeared into a restroom with his backpack, and he shortly emerged wearing theatrical scarlet robes and an elaborate crown.

A cruisegoer was said to have muttered in response: "Oh, sweet mother of God, it's the Sun Myung Moon meltdown all over again..."

With his new lackey bowing and scraping before him, Ralph entered the meeting room and climbed atop a large Acme-style one-ton weight, conveniently left there from a Looney Tunes Skit Challenge held earlier in the day.

"YOU MUST ALL EMBRACE THE COULTER PLAN FOR THE MIDDLE EAST!" Ralph thundered. "I WILL BE SENDING YOU SOME IMPORTANT TRACTS EXPLAINING THE RAPTURE!! YOU MUST ALL CONTRIBUTE TO MY CAMPAIGN AND PLEDGE TO VOTE FOR ME BEFORE PIAPS CAUSES AN EXPLOSION IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD!!!! ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!"

As one cruisegoer raised a hand to be recognized for a question - apparently confusing this unusual episode with one of the actual National Review breakout sessions - Ralph continued unabated. "THIS CRUISE SHIP IS EVEN NOW ONLY ONE VOYAGE OF MANY NAUTICAL MILES AWAY FROM SEATTLE, A LIBERAL HOTBED OF TERRORIST-LOVING ACTIVISM!!!! YOU ARE ALL IN TERRIBLE DANGER AND ONLY I AND AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT CAN SAVE YOU FROM PIAPS AND THE HATERS!!!!!!!!!"

"ALSO," Ralph added. "BUY MY EXCITING FACT-BASED NOVEL!!!! SOON TO BE REMAINDERED AT WALDENBOOKS STORES FROM COAST TO COAST!!!!!!!"

Ralph and Konservo then made their escape by cannonballing over the side of the vessel, to gasps of surprise from onlookers, as what appeared to be a vulture flapped lazily overhead in the waning light. The Canadian Coast Guard was seen shortly thereafter to be giving chase to a small speedboat making for U.S. waters.

Even such die-hard neocon supporters as first-time cruisegoer Mrs. Mildred Spanakopita (last seen by readers of this site fleeing from a herd of rampaging vacuums in the border town of Nogales, Arizona following a Bush immigration speech) appeared taken aback. "And everyone was so nice and well-behaved and polite until this fellow Ralph came along. Outrageous, what he did to that poor Mr. Bork's suit! I'm sure the Democrats in Congress are to blame." However, Mrs. Spanakopita later conceded, on her way to the buffet for just one more cup of tapioca pudding and prunes, that she was "reluctantly impressed" by Ralph's emphasis on End Times rhetoric and his personal charisma, adding that she would look for his novel if she was ever, in fact, in a bookstore.

That no mention of running mate Blat was made during this unusual campaign appearance was surprising to actual journalists; the National Review editorial staff on the cruise, by contrast, eschewed pursuing the story and disembarked the vessel en masse as soon as Ralph and Konservo bolted, hoping to reach a tobacconist's on Government Street before closing in order to obtain some Cuban cigars. Kate Stone of the relentless No Stone Unturned column was on point and onshore, however, and through a series of repeated telephone calls to the Ralph/Blat "underground" headquarters somewhere in the Heartland, finally got through to a tearful and clearly worried Blat.

"Look...Ralph just isn't himself lately. Ever since he fell for this Konservo guy, it's like he's a changed candidate. It's not about the issues for him any more, not even about the Rapture or the libtards or the prospect of literary fame. Sure, he gives those lip service, he has to, but it's really all about the adoration. Konservo treats him like an icon and he falls for it...and...and I worry about Ralph, really I do." Audible sniffles and catches in his voice on Blat's part betrayed his deep anxiety, even over the phone. "Look," he continued to journalist Stone, "just please tell him all is forgiven. Tell him to come home. I miss him. I miss what we had together. Ranger Bob and G-Dawg and all his pals miss him. We just want back the lunatic we know."

Independent analysts fear that even this episode may not represent this campaign's nadir. Will the Ralph/Blat ticket undergo a catastrophic split with only 15 months remaining in the race? Can Ralph recover not just from his apparent meltdown and loss of public confidence following the 35W Bridge tragedy in Minneapolis, but from this latest bizarre gaffe? And what role does the enigmatic and clearly disturbed Konservo play in Ralph's apparent transformation?

Answers will have to wait for further developments in this unprecedented and unusual campaign.

In happier news, Ralph/Blat is polling an average of three points above Senator John McCain's troubled Presidential bid, in nationwide tallies.

RALPH Campaign Stop in DEMLIB Country

RALPH, in an unprecedented attempt to reach out to voters deep in Blue State country, made a stop in a Hartford, CT basement laundry. Of course, Donkey was there to capture each gripping moment.

http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/KimberleeJean/?action=view&current=Donkeybasement.flv


PIAPS suspected in subterfuge.

He Went Way Too Far This Time

The RALPH/Blat campaign may be in serious trouble.

The country was aghast when, only a few hours after the collapse of the I-35W bridge in Minneapolis, the candidate attempted to paint the disaster as a sabotage effort by Senator Clinton.

THIS ATROCITY IS ONLY 4 MILES FROM THE OFFICE OF THE PIAPS FRONT ORGANIZATION, "AMERICA VOTES" AT 1600 UNIVERSITY AVENUE IN SAINT PAUL!!!!! Ralph harangued reporters at a hastily called press conference. "UNIVERSITY AVENUE MUST BE CORDONED OFF AND SEARCH WARRANTS MUST BE SECURED FOR EVERY "AMERICA VOTES" OFFICE!!!!PIAPS IS ON A RAMPAGE!!!!!"

This is the third time RALPH has tried to pin an unfortunate event on Senator Clinton, and it provoked a swift and very angry reaction. His in-box quickly filled with mail describing him as, among other things, a "piece of shit", a "being of hate", a "brain-dead asshole" and "the worst sort of anger-promoting, functionally retarded nutjob."

So far, RALPH has been unapologetic. When challenged by a reporter who called him a "sick motherfucker" he responded, that that was a definition of "ANYONE WHO CONDONES THIS ATTACK IN MN, 9/11, THE MURDER OF KEN FOSTER, AND ANY OF PIAPS AND CLINTOONS OTHER INNUMERABLE CRIMES!!!! DEMLIB EQUALS TERRORIST EQUALS DEMLIB!!!!"

Even some campaign workers think he's gone way too far. "Does he know how much this could set his campaign back?" my colleague RalphyFan asked me over virtual coffee this morning. And I’ve had an e-mail from one W.E. Nelson, who claims to be such a fan of the candidate as to have once written an epic poem about him, but who is now suggesting, "Maybe it’s RALPH that should be replaced, not Blat."

Is that an option? Or should he just pack his campaign in?