Bizarro Blat – RALPH Calls out the Posse!

As California Blat re-emerged on the scene yet again late this week, an increasingly exasperated – indeed, downright shrill – RALPH called upon campaign supporters to locate and if possible apprehend this unusual, love-focused version of Blat…who, claims RALPH, is giving the campaign a bad name.

At a fuel stop in Texarkana with Rush the Vulture gliding overhead cawing “DEMLIB! DEMLIB!”, RALPH took the opportunity to address a family traveling in a van with Kentucky plates, a cabbie who dashed urgently into the Shell station restroom for the duration of the stop, the two deeply bored convenience store clerks/gas attendants, and a passing skateboarder.

“THIS FREAKY LOVE-OBSESSED QUASI-LIBTARD BLAT CLONE IS A DISTRACTION FROM THE REAL ISSUES FACING AMERICA THIS ELECTION YEAR!” he declared. “WE NEED A LEADER WHO WILL EMULATE AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT BY BATTLING ISLAMISTS OVER THERE AND STANDING ON THE STRATEGICALLY-LIT RUBBLE OF COLLAPSED INFRASTRUCTURE HERE, IF WE ALL DON’T WANT TO DIE IN OUR BEDS BECAUSE OF MARAUDING GODLESS MUSLIM HORDES!! THIS IS THE REAL BLAT…”

Campaign Blat offered a feeble wave but was cut off from any attempt to speak himself, as RALPH continued: “…AND THIS OTHER TATTOO-WEARING, DOUGHNUT-REDDENING, VITAMIN-BUMPING IMPOSTOR IS A FAKE AND A PHONY AND SHOULD START WEARING PANTSUITS! PANTSUITS! PANTSUITS!!! I CALL UPON ALL RAPTURE-READY, PATRIOTIC RESIDENTS OF AMERICA AND ULSTER TO FIND HIM AND BRING HIM IN, FOR HIS OWN GOOD, LEST HE BE LOST AND BECOME EVEN MORE AN AGENT OF PIAPS!!!!!!”

“SO TRUE!! SO TRUE!!” chorused Konservo, dashing a tear from his eye before prostrating himself and polishing RALPH’s belt-buckle with Windex and a cloth, and then favoring the small and bemused assembly with a brief mime routine and a series of bird-calls which, at one point, had the group ducking as Rush dove for their heads as if toward prey.

Campaign Blat said nothing, though his expression conveyed great frustration as the campaigners re-boarded the RV for their return journey toward Iowa for the forthcoming straw poll, and that frustration was only confirmed and magnified when he floored the accelerator as they exited the station, spewing chokingly-thick gasoline fumes toward their small audience and sending Rush the Vulture into a whiplash-like lurch from where he clung to the CB antenna by his talons.

And what of the source of RALPH’s ire? Spurring on this incident was the appearance by California Blat at the candidates’ forum on gay issues sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign and web site LOGO.

Although not an invited participant, California Blat made his point to reporters both during and after the Forum. During the event, he stood up as the participating candidates were being introduced, took off his T-shirt, and displayed his new tattoo for the cameras, flexing his flabby muscles in an attempt to make the eagle flap its wings.

Security swiftly removed California Blat from the building, but reporters from local stations caught up with him afterward for commentary.

“The gay and lesbian community needs to realize that the Ralph/Blat campaign doesn’t HATE them,” he insisted. “We don't even get confused about whether or not being gay is a 'choice,' like that Richardson dude. We LOVE our gay brothers and sisters. We love them so much that we’re not willing for a single one of them to be lost to Satan and PIAPS! If we have to discriminate against them, deny them the benefits that other couples take for granted, demonize them for corrupting our childen and poisioning society as we know it and calling down Divine Wrath upon this Great Nation…we will do all that with LOVE. Because there is nothing we love quite so much as bullying everyone else into seeing things our way and our way only. That’s what we love, love, love. All you need is love!”

California Blat declined to be peppered with further questions as the Forum broke up, but leapt into his silver GMC Sierra and headed north through the Grapevine toward Tehachapi. A rumored but unconfirmed sighting occurred at a Casa De Fruta outpost where it was claimed he purchased a jar of jalapeño jelly and a garlic braid.

Meanwhile, the poster illustrated at the beginning of this article has begun appearing on telephone poles nationwide as improvised bands of vigilantes calling themselves either “Ralph’s Rovers” or “The Momentmen” have sprung up overnight.

Travelers on U.S. highways during these final weeks of the summer tourist season are urged to give these groups a wide berth and tune in to the finale of Hell’s Kitchen instead.