Konservo Makes Bizarre Bid for Ottawa Ralph's Freedom

In the wake of a series of campaign setbacks - RALPH's apparent cloning, his incarceration outside U.S. jurisdiction, and now the shocking news about his paternal heritage - the candidate's Toady-In-Chief, Konservo, appears to have launched an unusual one-man effort to rally support for RALPH among the base.

Perhaps in the mistaken assumption that Canada is a primarily French-speaking nation, Konservo arrived in Ottawa this afternoon thanks to a campaign sympathizer. He emerged clad in a fetching French Maid's costume and clutching a sheaf of campaign posters with which he efficiently papered utility poles, traffic signals and construction walls throughout the Parliamentary area, applying adhesive with his trademark toilet brush while humming "La Marseillaise" under his breath.

Patrons of the Absinthe Café Resto Bar were particularly taken with the posters, featuring Konservo himself dancing atop a jar of Grey Poupon with the Eiffel Tower in the distance. Konservo delightedly autographed souvenir posters and addressed the group as they enjoyed paté, sliced baguettes, and baked triple-cream Brie.

"You must understand that RALPH is a REAL AMERICAN of the best possible kind! He HATES everyone who HATES America and baseball and apple pie and NASCAR! Why, he's as American as Stephen Harper!!!!!" declared Konservo. Then, detecting the murmur of dissatisfaction that rippled through the Café at this utterance, he deftly switched talking points. "That's why it's so important for us to get RALPH back to the U.S.! You don't want him here messing up all your nice peace demonstrations and socialized healthcare and gay weddings. If we all hurry, we can probably even get him back to the States by the time AMERICA'S-GREATEST-PRESIDENT-GEO...er, George W. Bush...leaves. They could travel together. You know, share brush-clearing stories and fart jokes and their favorite moments from Karl Rove's Dirty Tricks Compendium..."

Having been knocking back pints for some time even before the five rounds Konservo put on RALPH's credit card, the enthusiastic crowd rallied behind him and staggered toward the Royal Ottawa Psychiatric Hospital. Their attempts to storm the gates proved futile, however, as a polite but stern orderly insisted that RALPH would have to remain for at least a week in order for specialists to conclusively establish his mental stability.

At the last report from Ottawa, Konservo and his newfound colleagues had begun a sit-in at the front gates of the facility. As night fell Konservo was spotted performing an impromptu can-can while singing "Alouette, gentille Alouette, Alouette je te plumerai!" in a strained falsetto.

"He's a riot!" commented one of the group from the Café, leaning back against the fence in amusement. "He has some freaky gender-identity issues that he needs to come to grips with, sure, but on the whole it's a terrific show for the price. Whoa - hang on - he's got his hands on the Grey Poupon! This means trouble. Excuse me..."

Cleanup crews were converging on the area, which smelt overwhelmingly of Dijon, at press time.