RALPHTURE!! (Gesundheit)

Behold! The harbinger of Rapture comes!
Across the dusty plains of Iowa
Lephari marches, purposeful of stride.
Behind him walks disciple Sonny White,
Clutching the High Pinata in his hand,
And after him a holy following,
All chanting, "Praise the RALPHTURE! Praise its name!
Give us Lephari, Lord, or give us death!"

While Campaign RALPH makes his slow way through the Midwest (his speeches haven’t really concentrated on policy lately; he’s been more preoccupied with ranting about cross-dressers in Canadian nightclubs and their possible connection to You Know Who), his RALPHTURED clone is gaining followers with every mile he marches.

These followers have begun to call him "Lephari" though where that name came from is a matter of speculation. As has already been noted in this blog, it is an anagram of "Ralphie." On the other hand the name may have been coined by Reverend Augustus ("Fred") Shinnybottom of the Militant Redeemer Baptist Church, who, when his congregation walked out on last Sunday’s sermon when RALPH started preaching in his front yard, allegedly muttered "Will someone take that li’l fairy and burn him at the stake?" Sonny Red and his brother Sonny Green, being either hard of hearing or more hung over than they would admit, misheard his insult and immediately shouted, "We won’t burn your Lephari at the stake! We’ll worship at his feet! We’ll cut his toenails with our teeth! We’ll wash his T-shirts with our own spit! We’ll follow him anywhere, even to Cedar Rapids if he orders us to."

And they are following, in ever increasing numbers. Lephari’s powers have grown considerably in only a week. He began his ministry by dispensing Pez from the Holy Pinata; now he feeds the multitudes with Stoned Wheat Thins and Brie. Yesterday, according to one of our sources, someone made the undoubtedly flippant observation, "So we got the cheese, where’s the wine?" Whereupon Lephari dipped his Official Troll Party Baseball Cap into the waters of the North Skunk River, muttered a few words over it, and poured a seemingly inexhaustible supply of liquid into whatever cups and canteens were available. No, it wasn’t wine, it was Mountain Dew - but the trick gained him an additional half dozen followers anyway. After all, as Sonny White pointed out, "Give him a few weeks and who knows what he’ll be able to do?"

The pilgrimage (or whatever) has just crossed the South Skunk River en route to the Missouri border. And they are infused with a Mission....

"September is at hand," Lephari calls,
"And children will be going back to school.
And what awaits them in their so-called halls
Of learning? Science teachers, that is what!
Long-haired hippies teaching evolution!
Vile secular progressives who ignore
The Word of God, and tell our tender youth
That we’re descended from the jungle apes!
We’ll drive them from their classrooms! We shall hunt
Them out onto the streets to beg for bread!"
And all of the assembled multitude
Cry with united voice, "You bet we will!"
And singing hymns and chanting words of praise
They follow their Lephari down the road
Among the silos and the fields of corn.